The Waiting Game

So here's a little question: what does it mean if you get a very, very faint positive line on a home pregnancy test about two days before your period is even due, but the line doesn't even show up for like a half an hour? (Because of course, you didn't just throw the test away after ten minutes like a normal person, but instead left it lurking on the bathroom counter like a morbid reminder of your failure- but a morbid reminder that you nonetheless kept running back to obsessively check every five minutes.)
Well, if you're me, you would obviously go back to the store at eleven o clock at night and buy another test and rush home and take it and see that it was indeed negative. But then, two hours later when you surreptitiously dig it out of the trashcan, you would find that this one too has turned faintly positive! What to do?
You would return to the store in the morning and purchase two more tests, that's what you would do. And both of those would be negative as well, the one you take that day and the one you take the next day- you know, the day your period is actually due. But, what do you know, both of these turn faintly positive as well when checked an hour later. But keep it mind that all of this is taking place on Christmas Eve, so you're a little bit preoccupied, and also the test box keeps sternly reminding you that any results which show up after ten minutes are to be disregarded. So you finally relent and admit to yourself that you must not be pregnant after all, and you go ahead and drink during the Christmas festivities with a clear conscience.
And then? And then your period never comes. One day late, two days late. Hmmm, is what you are thinking. And also, Dang it! Why did I drink? So you call your Ob's office and sheepishly explain the whole situation (leaving out the part about throwing the one test away and then rooting through the garbage for it like a deranged pig.) The nurse on the phone laughs at you and says, "Well, you can wait a while- maybe your period wasn't due when you thought it was, and that's why the tests were so long turning positive. Or, maybe they were just evaporation lines, and you're not pregnant. We can always do some blood work today to set your mind at ease, though."
And yes, yes, having your mind set at ease does seem like the thing to do, so you stop off at the pathology lab on your way to go after-Christmas shopping with your mom and sister. You know, just another boring errand.
You can't stop thinking about it, though. As you walk around the mall, the conflicting aromas of cologne and Cinnabon and those amazingly fragrant roasted almonds are suddenly turning your stomach, and you have to go sit down. Mentally, you scold yourself: You're imagining things. But you are counting the minutes until you can call for your test results.
Which are positive. You are pregnant again.
This was actually the first time I had ever not known what I was going to hear when I called for the results of a blood pregnancy test. I was petrified, my heart pounding erratically. I kept telling myself, "It's not going to be positive. Just settle down." But it was, as the nurse so nonchalantly informed me. I made her repeat it: "So I'm really pregnant, you're sure?" I demanded spastically.
And you know what else? My progesterone level was normal! In the span of a week or so, it had managed to pull itself up from a dismal 9 to a totally acceptable 19.5! That news, received the next day (that would be the day I was tucked into Aunt Nancy's bed, willing myself to live,) was actually way more exciting even than the positive pregnancy test.
And I of course was going to be cautious this time and not say anything until 12 weeks, but then I decided that even if this pregnancy fails as well, I would still want to write about it as an outlet, so I might as well just say it now: I'm pregnant. Only about five weeks, probably, since we had an ultrasound yesterday and only a very faint gestational sac was visible, but no baby or heartbeat or anything yet. Oddly though, after initially freaking out upon not seeing more, I actually calmed down. I'm not bleeding, not cramping, my hormones were fine, I feel all the symptoms I'm supposed to be feeling- I believe that all is well. Nonetheless, my doctor (oh inciter of general panic!) is having me get blood draws three times this week to make sure my hcg levels are rising appropriately, and I will go in next Friday for another ultrasound.
I'm really believing it's fine though. Especially since I'm fairly certain that I conceived later than I originally thought I did, due to the fact that all the home tests were so barely, barely positive even at the point when (according to my period math) I thought they should have been obvious.
So if that were the case, of course there's no visible baby yet- it's like, the size of a grain of rice.
I was still a little bummed though that there was nothing definitive on that screen- no absolute proof of a little living baby in my tummy. But I have a good feeling. Hopefully that's my female intuition, and not just a residual sugar buzz from all my leftover stocking candy!
Seriously though- keep your fingers crossed for me!