Thursday, January 31, 2008

Alternate Uses For Plastic Wrap

So! I finally caved and took Eli, Addy, and the Poo Diaper Baggie downtown. In the five degree weather. Only to be told that the liquid poo had been dissolved and compromised by the absorbent gel of the diaper, and that in order to collect a usable sample, I needed to PUT SERAN WRAP IN HIS DIAPER to catch the diarhea. "Just listen really closely," the helpful tech suggested, "and as soon as you hear him go, run in to change him and try to make a little bag out of the seran wrap, and hopefully you'll catch enough of the liquid in there to get a culture from it."
I'm pretty sure I said very little to the people at the lab as I bundled the children up to leave, so hard was I working to keep from screaming in frustration, both at the doctor, who TOLD me to bring in a diaper, and at the NONSENSE of it all, because I'm about ninety percent sure he doesn't even HAVE roto virus. But what if he does? Or what if he has some horrible virulent form of malaria or something?
So we went home, I cut a strip of plastic wrap and put it in the middle of his diaper, and we waited. Of course the little bugger didn't poop for like ten hours then, so it took til this morning to get a proper "sample" of the liquid poo, which of course flooded off the seran wrap and all over his clothes. But I'm pretty sure I caught enough to provide a legitimate sample!
On the bright side, I'm very happy I'm not a lab technician who has to test other people's feces!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Whiny and Wistful

I've taken a new lovah, my friends. His name is Bissell Pet Hair Eraser. We've been busy making sweet, sweet love on the floor of every room in the house, which explains my neglect of my poor blog.
No, actually, the truth is a bit less glamorous (not that being hot and bothered over a new vacuum is all that glamorous to begin with...) Eli has had diarrhea for a week now, along with a horrible rash which turned into a yeast infection and required a doctor's visit and a prescription. The rash has all but cleared up now, but the diarrhea continues, so the doctor wants me to take a dirty diaper into the pathology lab to see if he has roto virus. My thoughts on this are as follows:
I really don't think he has roto virus, as he has not vomited, is not running a fever, does not seem dehydrated, and has only been cranky and lethargic when his rash was bad. He doesn't seem SICK, if you know what I mean. Am I a bad mom if I ignore the doctor's instructions? It's not like they would do anything different even if he HAD it, right? Just up the fluids (we've been trying to give him Pedialyte in between feedings) and change diapers frequently and wash hands and all that jazz? Because I can do THAT without taking two kids and a poo diaper in a baggie downtown.

My other Thought Of The Week is this: How is Eli such a big boy? He has begun eating cereal (another attempt to halt the diarrhea) and LOVES it. He snarfed down a whole bowl last night in under five minutes, barely spilling a drop on his bib. And he finally slept through the night following his cereal binge- the first time that's happened in over a month. He is in size 3 diapers now, and is wearing mostly nine month clothing. He weighs almost eighteen pounds, and we are moving him this week into a rear-facing convertible car seat, as he is so heavy in the infant carrier that I have begun having chronic shoulder pain from carrying him to and from the car in it. In a few short months he'll be crawling, and... And then I'll want ANOTHER little baby, I suppose. Sigh.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

How It Is For You

This is something I wonder about a lot: What is normal for you all? Is it normal for you to still be in your sweatshirt and pajama pants at one o' clock in the afternoon because there hasn't been a good window yet for showering (and you are way too fond of sleep to get up before the kids to shower?)
Do you usually sit down and eat lunch with your kids, and all have the same nutritionally balanced meal, and talk happily about your day? Or do you usually take the opportunity of having your kid strapped in a chair and busy eating spaghetti-os AND shredded wheat to unload the dishwasher without her grabbing at the steak knives? And then do you find that it's four o'clock and all you've eaten is bits and pieces of whatever your kids were snacking on and suddenly you are STARVED?
Do you space out at the computer in between diaper changes and sippee cup distribution and baths, then jolt back up in an hour so, feeling guilty, and morph into Mary Poppins for the next hour to make up for your negligence?
Do you find grocery shopping still to be confusing and frustrating? Do you buy oranges, only to have them rot in the produce drawer forever, and then a month later buy some and watch your family eat their way through two bags in a week? Let's make up our mind about the oranges, people! Yay or nay?!
Does your toddler have a special pooping spot in the house, which is not the actual potty, of course, but a room into which he or she must run and hide, and then emerge from moments later demanding a diaper change?
Or this all just me?

De Ja Vu

Want to make your house so clean and pretty that you never want to leave it? Have an open house in which you try to convince OTHERS to take it from you. Gaze around in awe that every room in your house is clean AT THE SAME TIME, all the dishes done, all the laundry folded and PUT AWAY even. Make breezy comments to your husband about how you're not going to know what to do with yourself the rest of the week since EVERYTHING IS DONE.
Realize on Wednesday that there is a sink full of dishes and two loads of laundry to be put away and that all the surfaces and floors which were so shiny and clean are looking dusty and crumby and smudged. Remember, as you begin to sweep and wipe once again, that you used to ENJOY doing this sort of housework. That it felt like PLAYING HOUSE. Laugh bitterly.

Then laugh in a normal, non-deranged manner at this picture, in which it appears that we are playing "Stiff As A Board" with poor helpless Eli.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

For All You Front Rowers Out There

Heaven help me, I'm doing this twice a week now. And I LIKE it. What has the world come to that I like ANY form of exercising?
I was originally doing hi/lo aerobics, but I quickly discovered that in that class I spent more mental energy frantically trying to remember the fancy-pants steps ("and lindy to the RIGHT!") and much less energy trying to keep going physically. So I switched to the Zumba class, which is WAAAAYYY more fun and also a better workout. I'm actually psyched to go tomorrow.
Here is my question for you all (I am looking at YOU, Tessie): what do you wear when you work out? If I were home I would just rock out in pajama pants and a sports bra, probably, but I'm at an actual gym where there are tiny little blonds running around in coordinating outfits with moisture wicking and what not (I get a good view of these women because they are of course always the ones in the front row, whereas I am firmly in the middle-to-back row,) and here I am in my yoga pants, circa 1998, and an oversized tee shirt. How do I gradually upgrade my workout wardrobe without breaking the bank?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Oh Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus!

That I am NOT pregnant. I drove like a madwoman to make it to the pathology lab before they closed, because Jim called them (and was irate and demanding, presumably) and they finally agreed to give me the results, but only in person.
I was a little afraid that I was going to feel somehow disappointed if the results were negative. Just because it always seems like you should be feeling pro baby, and I worried that maybe there was a part of me secretly cheering on a pregnancy. It would not be unlike me, let's just say. But I was so relieved when I got the results, I was actually shaking. There was no disappointment. And it's not that I don't want more babies. Just not now. I SO did not want to have to go through another pregnancy. Pregnancy does not seem to like me.
Anyways. Thanks for putting up with my obsessive worrying, you all. I am going to chalk this up to a Sobering Lesson in why you don't let those moments of passion get the better of you when you are all out of birth control!


Oh my gosh, you guys, I am seriously about crying with frustration right now. I called the office at three and my results still hadn't been faxed in. The nurse said to call back "in an hour or so." So I dutifully waited an hour, and then gave it an extra twenty minutes just to be safe. Called back, waiting with bated breath, only to get the doctor's answering service! Because everyone is gone for the day! I called the pathology lab then, probably sounding like a frantic lunatic, only to be of course told that they aren't allowed to actually release that information, only pass it on to doctors and doctors only. IT'S MY F-ING BLOOD TEST WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME!!!
But no. Looks like I will be waiting till Monday. Son of a beotch.

Just Killing Time Blogging

I sincerely wonder what people must think of me when I'm out in public with the two kids. Is she nuts bringing both kids shopping with her? Can she not see that she doesn't even have room for PURCHASES in her cart once she piles in baby and toddler? Can she HEAR the screeching of her child as she clings to the slide of the indoor McDonalds playland even though she is not big enough/old enough to play on it? Why is this woman torturing us with her kids?
I was sweating bullets yesterday, trying to pull a screaming Addy off the play equipment with one hand while holding Eli with the other as older, retiree-types sipped their coffee and watched with curiosity and/or judgement. Probably thinking I should either be sterner ("My mother would have tanned my hide if I acted like that in public!") or gentler ("That woman is practically dragging her kid by the arm!") or at least calmer ("Look at that, her jeans are riding down as she bends over to talk to the kid and it looks like her back is covered in nervous perspiration!")
I got practically nothing accomplished on the outing save providing a convincing demonstration of my incompetence as a mother. Then I got home, tried to get them both fed and settled down and changed and ASLEEP, and then there were what seemed like endless things to do: cleaning, of course, laundry, of course, dishes, of course, and then also the dog is whining whining WHINING at me all day, and there are countless phone calls of people needing things and asking questions and PEOPLE, DON'T YOU SEE I HAVE NO ANSWERS?
Two is enough, I think.
Oh yeah- just called the office, and the results aren't back yet. THE NERVOUS TUMMY PERSISTS.

Taking Deep, Cleansing Breaths

Well, you guys, I did it. I couldn't take all the complaining and impatience, so, despite the fact that I was perfectly willing to wait another week and was not getting squirmy and nervous AT ALL, I went ahead and got the blood test this morning JUST TO APPEASE ALL OF YOU.
Was it just me, or was the receptionist at the pathology lab shooting me weird, slightly sympathetic glances as I plodded out the door, Addy in one hand, the stroller containing my clearly not very old baby in the other? Probably just imagining things, I'm sure.
I'm feeling pretty terrified, to be honest. I think it's just the SIGNIFICANCE of getting actual blood work done rather than peeing on a stick. I've peed on sticks roughly eighty seven times, and they've only turned up positive three times. But the blood tests? So far I'm three for three. And even though I'm pretty sure (at least MENTALLY sure) that I'm not pregnant, there is the fact that EVERY TIME I've gotten the call with the results, the results have been positive.
I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pictures! And No More Crazy!

Eli as "Deer in Headlights."

Addy with her toy MP3 player. Which we quickly hid because it is just the sort of toy that sends her THROUGH the ROOF when she can't figure out exactly how to use it BY HERSELF. ( Oh and DO enjoy the sight of my rear end clad in worn Hanes Her Way sweats. HOT STUFF.)

* Also, by "No More Crazy," I merely meant that I will no longer torture YOU with the details of the crazy. I myself am still in full on Obsessive Panty Checking Mode.

What To Say, What To Say...

(Drumming my fingertips on the table) Hmm, let's see... Shall I write about being moody beyond belief, and forcing Jim to engage in an "assessing the health of our relationship, i.e. do we talk enough do we cuddle enough do we have enough romance yada yada yada" discussion at ten thirty last night? Shall I talk about how Eli seems to have digested my moodiness and has been fussing and/or screeching almost nonstop for two days no matter what I do?
OR do I write about how THE SPOTTING IS GONE AGAIN?! And again, lasted only for an hour! OH MY GOD WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!! I am getting ridiculously freaked out, and the two negative tests are not really comforting me because A, it is possibly just too early for a positive to show up anyways and B, when I was testing with Eli, THREE different tests showed up negative until I finally got a blood test. I finally called the OB's office to talk (read: flip out on) a nurse, only to be told that all the nurses were busy. Was it an emergency? I was asked kindly.

Ahem. On a completely different note (except not that different, as it still involves babies. You: "Shocker.") I have a lovely little linky which you should totally go check out. I WANT TO SEE THIS so bad! The Business of Being Born is a documentary about birth practices in America produced by Ricki Lake. LOOKS AWESOME.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Come Obsess With Me! Part Three

Hi! Yes, we ARE still talking about this. You have apparently found your way to the all TMI all the time station.
Now I'm spotting again. I feel crazed and hormonal and have, as Catherine Newman says it, "hurt my own feelings" several times today over comments Jim made which were in fact completely benign. I also took a test with first-morning urine and it was negative. So based on these facts, I'm thinking period. I know it would still be really early for a test to come out positive even if I were pregnant, but I'm going to relax about and just assume this is the cycle grinding reluctantly back into gear.
That said. I am not enjoying the mood swings and the bleak winter scene outside my window, nor the fact that my knees, after just two aerobics classes, are creaky and cracky and threatening to slide out of place all the time. Am I fifty years old, here, body? You can't handle a high/low aerobics class without starting to go all arthritic on me? Soon I'm going to be able to feel it in my bones when a hard rain is coming.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Still Mentally Curled In Fetal Position

Okay, I guess I won't take the other post down, TMI be damned. Now I just want to hear stories. I want THE INFO, people. Has implantation bleeding ever happened to anyone else? It never has to me, but nor has random spotting. When did you get your period back after breastfeeding? How did it happen- spotty first, then full on a while later, or just, boom, back in business? Did you have PMS beforehand at all? DETAILS, give me DETAILS. Preferably ones to reassure me that this is just my cycle coming back. SET MY MIND AT EASE.

And, for easy reference/nagging worry: (taken from

What does implantation bleeding or spotting look like?
Implantation bleeding, also called implantation spotting, does not look like a regular menstrual period. Implantation bleeding is scanty and usually pink or brownish discharge.

What if I feel like my period is about to start?
If you have had spotting and think it might be implantation bleeding you may be paying very close attention to your body. If you are trying to get pregnant, the good news is that early pregnancy symptoms feel very similar to the start of your period. If you are pregnant you may begin to notice symptoms of early pregnancy right around the time your period would normally start and sometimes sooner than that. If you suspect pregnancy you can test for pregnancy as early as ten days after ovulation.

Particularly enjoy the bolded section. WTF?! How is that GOOD news?

Flipping The Flip Out

Um, this whole post is too much information. I will probably take it down within twenty four hours, so if you have a comment, please make it now or forever hold your peace.
I thought I was getting my period back all last week. Crampy, exhausted, cranky, bloated, but no bleeding. Yesterday I spotted for a few hours. Thought, "Hooray! The cycle is returning." And now? Now nothing. Nada. I think back a little to that one oops time when we didn't use protection. It was eight days ago.
Holy. Crap.
Implantation bleeding, no?

*Edited to add: Took a pt test this afternoon, which was negative. Whew. HowEVER- it would probably be too early to tell yet even if I WERE pregnant, right? (Which I am NOT.) Eight days past (hypothetical) ovulation = too early to test. But I couldn't HELP it!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Wake Up Call

Here's a fun game: Who can guess the number of inches I have added to my waist since my sophomore year of high school (that being the last year I remember measuring my waist)?
No? Not a fun game? Well then, here's the answer. Seven. SEVEN. Good grief. Why does this always happen- as soon as I write about making peace with my body, I get slapped with renewed self loathing after seeing myself in a picture, or getting on a scale, or some other form of COLD HARD FACTS. Bah.
On a more cheerful note, the reason I was torturing myself with the tape measure is that I had to send in my measurements for my pretty BRIDESMAID DRESS for the WEDDING I'm going to be in come September! Yay! AND Addy is going to be the flower girl!
But seriously, folks. I need to whip this body back into shape, and I don't think two hours of aerobics a week is going to cut it. My first plan is to stop buying all the #%$^#ing chocolate just because it is on a major sale. The calories are not seventy-five percent off, Sarah. But I think it will take more than that. My love handles are stubborn little buggers. I need dieting ideas that are both nutritionally acceptable (so no cabbage soup only diets) and okay to implement while breastfeeding. How do I get the pounds to melt away while still providing good milk for baby and also keeping up my energy for toddler chasing (my method for keeping up energy heretofore having been to alternate doses of caffeine and sugar)?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Why I Am A Loser

-I entered Adelay in the Live!With Regis And Kelly Most Beautiful Baby Search. And I cannot help myself, I have visions of scholarships dancing through my head. Here is the picture I sent:

I should have cropped it closer, but I think they do that anyways once you send it in, because all the pictures on the website were close ups of faces. The faces of all the poor LOSER babies.

-I showed up to my first aerobics class, EARLY even, and no one was there. No one. Turns out the instructor had cancelled class in honor of a football game which is pretty important to most people around here and forgot to call me. So instead of working out, I went to a diner and ate pie and sulked.

-My husband and some friends of ours were having a spirited political debate tonight, and instead of taking part, I totally zoned out and drank coffee heavily laced with Kahlua. Either I was too tired to join in, or I just don't give a crap anymore. Either way, it's pretty sad that I'm already too lazy to think about campaigns and it's only January.

-I am obsessively checking The Other Boleyn Girl websites to see if there are any new trailers out. I am marking the release date on my calendar.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

And Now For Something Completely New... A List!

1. It is starting to feel like we are never actually going to move; it's just this hypothetical idea swirling around, which we occasionally discuss. I go to the realtor's website sometimes and take the video tour of our house just to "visit" it and remember that it's still out there, waiting for us. (Hopefully waiting for us, and not whoring itself out to other families to be bought out from under us. *Sniff.*) Also, another house in our current neighborhood, just across the street, went up for sale a few weeks ago, and they are asking ten thousand less than we are. Not good for The Desperates. Not good at all. I took their video tour and I think ours is nicer inside, but who knows what other people will think? I am obviously biased. And unfortunately, lowering our price significantly is just not really an option.

2. Kindermusik is over, and I am not re-enrolling Addy. I think I might try tumbling at the Y or something a little more... Unstructured, I guess. I just felt like it was the adults who were more into it than the kids were. The toddlers just wanted to run around and play, and most of the time weren't really participating anyways. Which meant four kids racing around laughing while four adults pranced in a circle to ethnically enriching music, trying to coax the kids to join us. It wasn't BAD or anything; Addy liked the other kids and enjoyed playing with the instruments. I just feel it was maybe a little overrated and not worth the expense. I think she probably enjoys the FREE church nursery just as much if not more.

3. My sister-in-law hooked me up with the website for an orphanage in Guatemala which does basically what I was wanting to do here awhile ago. I am going to try to donate to them on a regular basis, and I encourage you guys to go check them out too! Also in relation to my desire to DO something for underprivileged kids, I am going to take the advise of one of the commenters and look into being a teacher's aid once a week at one of our city schools. Has anyone done this before, and want to weigh in? (Not that everyone attending city schools is underprivileged, necessarily; it just seems more likely, at least in OUR city school.)

4. I have watched Barbie as The Princess and The Pauper roughly fifteen times since Addy received it for Christmas. I have caught myself several times now singing the songs while working around the house. Singing them with feeling.

5. I think I am reaching a healthier place in terms of body image (crossing fingers fervently.) I realize that I am pretty out of shape and could stand to get more active, but I am coming to terms with the fact that no amount of weight loss and/or physical fitness will change the stretch marks all over my hips and abdomen, and that my skin will probably remain weird and almost scar-like on a portion of my lower belly. I have been quietly (and not so quietly) grieving over this ever since Eli was born, though I haven't posted much about it. I guess it seems both shallow and kind of obvious to complain about post-baby body, but it really does bother me a lot.
Anyways, last night as I was putting Eli to bed, I experienced yet another one of those in-love kind of pangs for him as I snuggled in his chubby baby sweetness. Then I went to put my own self to bed, and as I was changing into my pajamas, found myself staring with hatred at my stomach for the zillionth time. And it just seemed so stupid, suddenly. Weren't my babies worth those marks? They are battle scars! If anything, I should be proud of them! Why should I expect that my body come out of such a transformative and HARD experience as childbirth unaffected and unscarred? My body had to stretch to make room for my babies, and now I think it's time my mindset about physical beauty stretched, too, to make room for the beauty of motherhood.

You can all go barf now.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Real New Year's Resolution: No Babies In '08!

Hello, old friend.

Tessie posted recently about Health Kicks and making resolutions to exercise, not eat Doritos while sitting on the couch watching Biggest Loser, etc. So in her honor, here is my confession: I am signed up to take an aerobics class twice a week. I realize I'm about, oh, two decades late in climbing aboard the aerobics bandwagon, but I'm still feeling cautiously excited about it. Listening to a peppy instructor, bouncing around to music, all while wearing Lycra! What is not to love in that scenario?
Oh, but about that not eating crap part? Will not be happening so long as all the delicious Christmas candy is fifty to seventy-five percent off. Let's just be very clear about that. And I blame Jim! He is my enabler! He actually called me from CVS to say, "All the good chocolate is on sale... What should I do?" What should you do?? Do you need to ask?
Apparently, my thighs and Lindt chocolate truffles are having some kind of twisted, dysfunctional love affair. I'm just their channel, people!