At Home Without Baby

Well, I will be away from my beloved internet all day tomorrow, as Jim and I have to drive north a few hours to be with his grandpa, who is very sick. This would be draining under the best of circumstances, particularly with a toddler in the car, to say nothing of doing it while feeling barfy and exhausted. So I asked my mom to keep Addy tonight and tomorrow. I feel a little relieved and a little guilty. Also, it is startingly weird to be in a quiet house, a house where things stay picked up after they are put in their proper places. It's so strange; I sort of do a double take every time I walk through the kitchen and see the bare floors, devoid of random Tupperware and toys. I've also had a couple twinges of heartache thinking of the empty crib down the hall.
But I also had a happy, pinch-me-I'm-dreaming evening of watching two hours' worth of Friends, bathing as long as I wanted, and getting a solid, uninterrupted hour to clean my depressingly dusty and cluttered bedroom. A few years ago, this kind of Friday evening would have left me feeling tragically antisocial and pathetic, yet tonight I felt nothing but pampered. It made me think of Swistle's post a few weeks ago, the one about grocery shopping, but also about contentment with where we are in life. I think I've mostly reached that place. Not entirely, of course; I still have my moments where I think about what most people in their early twenties are doing, and I feel a little frantic and panic-stricken as I realize afresh that these things are no longer options for me. That door has closed. But mostly, mostly I just feel grateful.