I am actually still pregnant! I have made it safely thus far. And finally, it's beginning to sink in that maybe everything will be okay. For the first time today, I felt maternal love towards the little jumping bean in my body. Until now, the presence of this baby has been hypothetical to me, and I have really resisted thinking about it in concrete terms too much- it's been more like a medical condition to me, this pregnancy. With Addy, I began journaling and dreaming immediately. This time, I have yet to write a word to the actual baby about my thoughts and feelings towards it, largely because those feelings have been cautious, even ambivalent. But today, to see actual arms and legs squirming around, tiny hands with tiny fingers... It was impossible to resist the swell of love I felt as I watched my tiny child swimming inside me on the sonogram screen. Hi, baby, I thought, the exact same totally inadequate words with which I first greeted Addy. It's me, your mom.
It's so amazing to see something actually jumping around inside your body. I remember the first time I saw Addy moving inside me (also at ten weeks) and I was convinced she was waving at me. I had the same feeling today; it was deja vu combined with a relief which I never experienced quite as intensely with Adelay's pregnancy. Miscarriage seemed like a strange, foreign, and wholly impossible concept then. Now, it is with me every day in the back of my head, and to see my baby, alive and well and growing, measuring at ten weeks one day, was almost a shock. I had been bracing myself for the worst, and it seemed almost surprising to have such a cheerful and reassuring visit.
Besides the important issue of the baby's well being, I also get to stop taking the progesterone this week! I am so excited not to have to plan my evening around my dosing anymore.
So, happy vibes from me today, despite having been so sick this morning that I had to stop and retch in the parking lot after inhaling random car fumes. No one was around, luckily. But I don't mind feeling sick (for today at least!) I can tuck myself back into bed and know that the nausea continues to be a sign of health for my baby.