Thank you all for the interesting thoughts on blogging. Something Black Sheep said about feeling that her previous blog was too happy and dealt too much with surface issues kind of struck a chord with me. I really try not to do that, and not to gloss over things that are really bothering me, but I think that I have at times fallen into this particular blogging trap. You figure, "Hey, everyone gets sick of being around a whiner, so I need to buck up and put a happy spin on this!" But then you're kind of defeating the whole purpose of the blog, if your original purpose was indeed honesty and openness.
So I am going to tackle today the body image issue which Black Sheep also mentioned. When I was pregnant with Adelay, I couldn't wait to start showing, and got excited over every pound I gained. This time, I am feeling a little horrified at the idea of allowing my body to become even more stretched out than it already is. My stretch marks have just begun fading, and now they're going to return, and probably bring friends. I was back to my pre-baby weight, but have now gained (depending on the time of day I weigh myself, and how much salt I've eaten) five to ten pounds. Let's see, an average of, let's say seven pounds, and the baby weighs as much as a fig... Some of that weight is not strictly the baby, I'm thinking. And I'm only barely three months pregnant!
Sometimes, as my chubby thighs rub together in my sweatpants on my way to the kitchen for yet another snack to calm the queasiness, I begin to feel that my body is now beyond my control and has determined to become a size and shape not of my choosing. So I think that is the real issue. I feel out of control this time, but not in a fun, exciting way, like, "Oh look at my belly, which grows firmer and rounder every day under my cute maternity shirt!"
Now it's like, "Oh look at this belly, hidden beneath my sweatshirt yet growing softer and more protruding every day!" It's no hard, firm uterus I'm feeling as I lovingly run my hand over my abdomen. It's a hard, firm uterus underneath that pouch of saggy skin and fat leftover from when Adelay had her turn permanently altering my body!
I guess I feel more unattractive this time around, and that disturbs me. I don't feel like I'm glowing and blossoming. I feel like I'm perspiring and expanding, and there's nothing beautiful about it. Except that there is, because of what's underneath it all, and I know this in my heart even if I don't feel it when I look in the mirror. And I know that if I breastfeed, all that weight will come off sooner or later just like with Adelay (if this is not true, and the second time breastfeeding does not work like a weight loss pill, DO NOT TELL ME!)
So there. How's that for honesty? I HATE MY THIGHS! But not enough to stop eating.