Thursday, February 22, 2007

Glowing? Not So Much

Thank you all for the interesting thoughts on blogging. Something Black Sheep said about feeling that her previous blog was too happy and dealt too much with surface issues kind of struck a chord with me. I really try not to do that, and not to gloss over things that are really bothering me, but I think that I have at times fallen into this particular blogging trap. You figure, "Hey, everyone gets sick of being around a whiner, so I need to buck up and put a happy spin on this!" But then you're kind of defeating the whole purpose of the blog, if your original purpose was indeed honesty and openness.
So I am going to tackle today the body image issue which Black Sheep also mentioned. When I was pregnant with Adelay, I couldn't wait to start showing, and got excited over every pound I gained. This time, I am feeling a little horrified at the idea of allowing my body to become even more stretched out than it already is. My stretch marks have just begun fading, and now they're going to return, and probably bring friends. I was back to my pre-baby weight, but have now gained (depending on the time of day I weigh myself, and how much salt I've eaten) five to ten pounds. Let's see, an average of, let's say seven pounds, and the baby weighs as much as a fig... Some of that weight is not strictly the baby, I'm thinking. And I'm only barely three months pregnant!
Sometimes, as my chubby thighs rub together in my sweatpants on my way to the kitchen for yet another snack to calm the queasiness, I begin to feel that my body is now beyond my control and has determined to become a size and shape not of my choosing. So I think that is the real issue. I feel out of control this time, but not in a fun, exciting way, like, "Oh look at my belly, which grows firmer and rounder every day under my cute maternity shirt!"
Now it's like, "Oh look at this belly, hidden beneath my sweatshirt yet growing softer and more protruding every day!" It's no hard, firm uterus I'm feeling as I lovingly run my hand over my abdomen. It's a hard, firm uterus underneath that pouch of saggy skin and fat leftover from when Adelay had her turn permanently altering my body!
I guess I feel more unattractive this time around, and that disturbs me. I don't feel like I'm glowing and blossoming. I feel like I'm perspiring and expanding, and there's nothing beautiful about it. Except that there is, because of what's underneath it all, and I know this in my heart even if I don't feel it when I look in the mirror. And I know that if I breastfeed, all that weight will come off sooner or later just like with Adelay (if this is not true, and the second time breastfeeding does not work like a weight loss pill, DO NOT TELL ME!)
So there. How's that for honesty? I HATE MY THIGHS! But not enough to stop eating.


Kelli in the Mirror said...

Very, very true. And I'm hoping the weight thing and breastfeeding is true the second time as well. Things have happened to my body during this pregnancy that I really didn't expect to see until I was a grandma. I'm depressed about it.

I'll have to go comment on your other post too. I meant to yesterday but I'm still thinking about it. :)

Swistle said...

Every time I'm pregnant, I feel like this time I'm really fat, and this time it won't come off--but every time, I gain about the same amount (well, more with the twins of course), and I lose it afterward, and I'm always surprised. I think it's a temporary pregnancy delusion. I also always think, "Oh, my face is so blotchy now, and my skin is so bad, and I look so old!"--and then, after the pregnancy, what a surprise! it turns out that once again it's pregnancy-related.

Jess said...

You're beautiful!! Don't be so hard on yourself (I know, we're women - it's natural). Seriously though, you look great.

I'm dealing with the same feelings now. And, you know with my previous weight struggles, the idea of packing on an extra 25-35 pounds scares the crap out of me. But, I just keep reminding myself that I can always take it off after the baby and that my husband will love me and think I am beautiful regardless. I'm sure yours does and will too :)

Mommy Daisy said...

Oh, don't sweat the small stuff. I understand being concerned about it, but the biggest thing right now is that there is a new life blossoming inside you. That's all that matters. If it still bugs you afterwards, you can work on it then. I guess, for me, being pregnant never made me feel more womanly. But I have heard what you're saying, and I know lots of people say it is more taxing on your body after the first baby. Isn't breastfeeding awesome! The magic weightloss pill almost. That will help immensely. You are a beautiful woman and your body is doing a miraculous thing right now.

Antsy said...

I'm so sick of hearing that pregnant women, women with curves, whatever are not attractive. Not that that is what you are saying, but I'm just thinking about when paintings were done (not sure what century it was, I'm not an historian!)of the very curvacious women (with saggy belly and all). Why can't we (why shouldn't we?) be happy with bodies like that? Men LOVED women like that, can't we just "get over" it and be happy with the way we are?? I'm sure you are beautiful and your husband probably thinks so too! What about the women that can't go through that and would love to have saggy bellies and thighs that rubbed together? Don't sweat the small stuff, love it all!

I'm hosting a contest like Manic (I know, I'm a copycat!), but no prize, just looking for thoughts!!