Thursday, February 15, 2007

Honesty

This is an ammendment to the "Low" post, about twenty minutes after it's publishing. I walked away from the computer and thought about how tidily I had ended everything, on a very Pollyanna note, and I decided to scratch that. I mean, the things I said are true. I am lucky, and have none of the "big" problems.
But I would hate for everyone to think that that's how my actual thought process went down- "Oh, well, so I felt like grabbing my keys and running out the front door and not looking back until I was well into the next state. Time to play the Glad Game and think sunny thoughts!" Because it was more like, "Oh my God. What have I done, thinking I am unselfish and giving enough to be a parent? Look at me, on the verge of tears already, and it's only an hour into the day. My daughter deserves a better mother than this. And yet here I am, rashly bringing another child into my world!"
Probably most parents have days like this. And I am feeling much better already, now that Addy's asleep and I've had some time alone. But I get so overwhelmed sometimes, thinking about when the second baby comes and... What will happen when I don't get any time alone during the day? When one child sleeps or plays quietly, but the next one is needing my undivided attention? Is my brain just going to melt?
I just want to know that I will be given the strength for the job, that I am up to the task. I want to know that I will be able to handle two grumpy kids on a day like today when I feel sick, and that I will not lose it and snap at everyone and make my children feel that they are responsible for my moods. I want to be assured that I am a real grown up, and not just playing a game of house that's turned irreversibly real.

5 comments:

Swistle said...

I think it tends to work out, with the occasional crabby-snapping day. You won't feel as yucky when you're not pregnant anymore, and that will help. And all of us have crabby days sometimes--it doesn't make you a less-good mother, just a regular human one.

jess said...

Sorry you're having such a bad day. You need to get out of that house!! Let's do something again this weekend - but we'll leave the men at home with the kid and you and I can actually put on real clothes and make-up and try to feel human. What do you think?

desperate housewife said...

Dare to dream, Jess, dare to dream!
No, it's probably possible. I just can't even remember what such freedom tastes like!

Mommy Daisy said...

Oh, we all have those days. You're a great mother! And you will find the strength to do it with another one. You'll adjust and wonder what is was like with just one. Just as you are now...wondering what you did without a kid. I'm sure everyone does that.

Oh, and definately get out with your friend. ^ Sounds like a great offer. It will help.

Anonymous said...

Whether we admit it or not, most of us go into marriage and parenting with at least a little of a "playing house" mindset. It's not just you! And remember that January and February are THE most depressing months of the year. That + blizzard + toddler + first trimester = moments of fear and depression! You ARE a good Mom, but every Mom has days when she wants to run away! (Maybe you'll harbor less bitterness about memories of "toy throwing" now that you're a Mom)