This is an ammendment to the "Low" post, about twenty minutes after it's publishing. I walked away from the computer and thought about how tidily I had ended everything, on a very Pollyanna note, and I decided to scratch that. I mean, the things I said are true. I am lucky, and have none of the "big" problems.
But I would hate for everyone to think that that's how my actual thought process went down- "Oh, well, so I felt like grabbing my keys and running out the front door and not looking back until I was well into the next state. Time to play the Glad Game and think sunny thoughts!" Because it was more like, "Oh my God. What have I done, thinking I am unselfish and giving enough to be a parent? Look at me, on the verge of tears already, and it's only an hour into the day. My daughter deserves a better mother than this. And yet here I am, rashly bringing another child into my world!"
Probably most parents have days like this. And I am feeling much better already, now that Addy's asleep and I've had some time alone. But I get so overwhelmed sometimes, thinking about when the second baby comes and... What will happen when I don't get any time alone during the day? When one child sleeps or plays quietly, but the next one is needing my undivided attention? Is my brain just going to melt?
I just want to know that I will be given the strength for the job, that I am up to the task. I want to know that I will be able to handle two grumpy kids on a day like today when I feel sick, and that I will not lose it and snap at everyone and make my children feel that they are responsible for my moods. I want to be assured that I am a real grown up, and not just playing a game of house that's turned irreversibly real.