I don't even know what to say. The baby is gone. There was a baby inside me, making this much worse than the other two miscarriages, when all they saw were empty sacs, but according to the ultrasound today its heart stopped about five days ago. The corpus luteum, which had looked healthy at the five week check, was completely gone. Meaning my body had stopped producing any progesterone at all. I guess the only thing keeping the baby in there was the supplements, but it wasn't enough.
Since I'm taking so much progesterone, though, my body didn't show any symptoms of miscarriage. I'm supposed to stop all the supplements and hopefully miscarry on my own soon, but if not then I'm going to take some drug? And that will make me miscarry. We're trying to avoid doing another d and c since I've already had two, and they're pretty hard on your cervix.
I feel like apologizing to everyone, even though I know, I know, don't be ridiculous, not your fault, etc. But how many times am I going to tell people I'm having a baby when I'n not?
And I'm just sad. Obviously. And also incredibly frustrated with myself for daring to hope in spite of all my common sense, in spite of those early, less-than-great numbers that should have warned me to keep all hope firmly at the door until we saw a heartbeat. I thought I was doing that, but the lump that rose in my throat as soon as I saw the lack of heartbeat on the screen showed me that I had, in fact, been believing that all was well. I was crushed.
So. I feel very overwhelmed thinking about where we go from here. I guess I just shouldn't think for awhile, huh? I definitely don't want to think about the having to miscarry soon part. I'm sure it's horrible to have it happen suddenly and unexpectedly, but I think it might be even worse to be sitting here, right now, anticipating it.
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44 comments:
I am so sorry.
I am thinking of you, and I am so, so sorry.
Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. It is not silly to hope, and it is not silly to think the best. I'm thinking about you.
So so sorry. What an incredibly difficult thing to have to go through...
I'm so sorry for your loss...
Oh no. I am so very sorry.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. Sending prayers from Boston.
I am so very sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure there's really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but just know that everyone is thinking of you.
If I find the key to not hoping, you'll be the first person I share it with. I, too, am a "hope against all hope" kind of person. I actually took a pregnancy test two days into my period because I was so hopeful that I was pregnant.
Sarah, I'm so very sorry that your hope turned out to be in vain this time. I'm praying for you and Jim and holding you close in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry love. :(
Oh honey. I am so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you. I know it doesn't really help, but I've been there, several times, and I FEEL for you. **big hug**
Sarah, I am so so so sorry. I wish there was somethihg I could do to make it hurt less; or suck less. Hugs to you.
Oh, I am so sorry. Sending peaceful thoughts your way.
I am so so sorry and really, what can you do but hope when you see those two pink lines?
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that. Please don't apologize for sharing your hope with us. I for one was right there with you, waiting to see what this baby would become.
My cousin's wife, who would have been one week farther than you, miscarried a week before you. She has had a long journey like you. My heart breaks for you both, and I know that there is nothing I can say to make it better.
Sarah, I am so sorry. Much of what you write is exactly what my daughter has been thru. It is so very, very hard! My daughter's -sluffing- took over a month, but the natural process was best for her. (She also had had a prior D&C)
You have such wonderful support and understanding from all these beautiful blogger friends.
I ache for You, Jim and family.
I will be praying for you.
Darling, darling girl, I am so so sorry and sad for you and for the teeny baby that died. This is terrible and sad.
I am so sorry and very sad for all of you, Sarah.
I'm truly sorry. God bless.
Oh, Sarah. I am so sorry. I'm thinking of you and your family.
Oh no. I'm so sorry, Sarah. Please don't apologize. If it was possible to send hugs over the internet, you would be receiving oh so many of them.
Oh Sarah - I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you.
~Devan
Oh Sarah. I gasped.
I am so, so sorry hon.
I am so so sorry you have to go through this. How awful. Insert cheering words of wisdom here. But really, I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry and sad for you and your lost little one. You're not silly at all, and please know how much love and support you have here. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry.
Oh honey. I'm so, so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.
Sarah, I am so very sorry to hear your news. You are such a dear, sweet mother and you and your family will be in my prayers.
I am sitting here trying to think of something to say...there is nothing, but I'm so sad for you all :(
Never give up hope.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
We're all thinking of you.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I am so sorry.
I'm so so unbelievably sorry. I think we all just wish we could squeeze your hand or give you a hug. I'll be thinking about you and the little baby. I'm so sorry you've gone through so much
I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry :( I wish I could give you a hug! I was feeling hope too. How can you not? We'll all be with you to cheer the ups and support the downs, no apologies needed :)
So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you...
I am so so sorry. Sending you hugs and love from Australia.
Sarah, I am so so sorry.
Please don't feel you have to apologize for anything. I think not to hope would be impossible.
I will be thinking of you.
oh no...
many, many hugs to you.
and no matter what, don't apologize. the beauty of this network is that we're here to offer you what little support we can no matter what.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I'm so, so sorry. It's more than anyone should have to bear.
I'm so sorry, Sarah.
So very very sorry.
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
I know how you feel, I'd been trying to get pregnant for a year and was ecstatic when it finally happened. About 3 weeks after telling everyone, her heart stopped (I say her because I felt like it would have been a girl). I was devestated (sometimes still am). Better days ahead though as I know my little angel is in heaven, probably playing with yours.
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