Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I don't even know what to say. The baby is gone. There was a baby inside me, making this much worse than the other two miscarriages, when all they saw were empty sacs, but according to the ultrasound today its heart stopped about five days ago. The corpus luteum, which had looked healthy at the five week check, was completely gone. Meaning my body had stopped producing any progesterone at all. I guess the only thing keeping the baby in there was the supplements, but it wasn't enough.

Since I'm taking so much progesterone, though, my body didn't show any symptoms of miscarriage. I'm supposed to stop all the supplements and hopefully miscarry on my own soon, but if not then I'm going to take some drug? And that will make me miscarry. We're trying to avoid doing another d and c since I've already had two, and they're pretty hard on your cervix.

I feel like apologizing to everyone, even though I know, I know, don't be ridiculous, not your fault, etc. But how many times am I going to tell people I'm having a baby when I'n not?

And I'm just sad. Obviously. And also incredibly frustrated with myself for daring to hope in spite of all my common sense, in spite of those early, less-than-great numbers that should have warned me to keep all hope firmly at the door until we saw a heartbeat. I thought I was doing that, but the lump that rose in my throat as soon as I saw the lack of heartbeat on the screen showed me that I had, in fact, been believing that all was well. I was crushed.

So. I feel very overwhelmed thinking about where we go from here. I guess I just shouldn't think for awhile, huh? I definitely don't want to think about the having to miscarry soon part. I'm sure it's horrible to have it happen suddenly and unexpectedly, but I think it might be even worse to be sitting here, right now, anticipating it.

44 comments:

LoriD said...

I am so sorry.

Nowheymama said...

I am thinking of you, and I am so, so sorry.

Banana said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. It is not silly to hope, and it is not silly to think the best. I'm thinking about you.

Giselle said...

So so sorry. What an incredibly difficult thing to have to go through...

Jana said...

I'm so sorry for your loss...

Mimi said...

Oh no. I am so very sorry.

Joanna said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. Sending prayers from Boston.

Michelle said...

I am so very sorry.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sure there's really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but just know that everyone is thinking of you.

Erica said...

If I find the key to not hoping, you'll be the first person I share it with. I, too, am a "hope against all hope" kind of person. I actually took a pregnancy test two days into my period because I was so hopeful that I was pregnant.

Sarah, I'm so very sorry that your hope turned out to be in vain this time. I'm praying for you and Jim and holding you close in my thoughts.

Scottish Twins said...

I'm so sorry love. :(

Erin said...

Oh honey. I am so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you. I know it doesn't really help, but I've been there, several times, and I FEEL for you. **big hug**

Saly said...

Sarah, I am so so so sorry. I wish there was somethihg I could do to make it hurt less; or suck less. Hugs to you.

Hillary said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Sending peaceful thoughts your way.

Katy said...

I am so so sorry and really, what can you do but hope when you see those two pink lines?

Mommy Daisy said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that. Please don't apologize for sharing your hope with us. I for one was right there with you, waiting to see what this baby would become.

My cousin's wife, who would have been one week farther than you, miscarried a week before you. She has had a long journey like you. My heart breaks for you both, and I know that there is nothing I can say to make it better.

mLou (or Gramma Lou) said...

Sarah, I am so sorry. Much of what you write is exactly what my daughter has been thru. It is so very, very hard! My daughter's -sluffing- took over a month, but the natural process was best for her. (She also had had a prior D&C)

You have such wonderful support and understanding from all these beautiful blogger friends.
I ache for You, Jim and family.
I will be praying for you.

Swistle said...

Darling, darling girl, I am so so sorry and sad for you and for the teeny baby that died. This is terrible and sad.

Shelly Overlook said...

I am so sorry and very sad for all of you, Sarah.

Michelle said...

I'm truly sorry. God bless.

Jess said...

Oh, Sarah. I am so sorry. I'm thinking of you and your family.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry, Sarah. Please don't apologize. If it was possible to send hugs over the internet, you would be receiving oh so many of them.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sarah - I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you.
~Devan

Tess said...

Oh Sarah. I gasped.

I am so, so sorry hon.

Jill said...

I am so so sorry you have to go through this. How awful. Insert cheering words of wisdom here. But really, I'm sorry.

Shelly said...

I'm so so so sorry and sad for you and your lost little one. You're not silly at all, and please know how much love and support you have here. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Melio (MelissaInk) said...

I'm sorry.

Chelle said...

Oh honey. I'm so, so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

Trish said...

Sarah, I am so very sorry to hear your news. You are such a dear, sweet mother and you and your family will be in my prayers.

Fine For Now said...

I am sitting here trying to think of something to say...there is nothing, but I'm so sad for you all :(

CAQuincy said...

Never give up hope.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

We're all thinking of you.

Pickles and Dimes said...

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am so sorry.

bananafana said...

I'm so so unbelievably sorry. I think we all just wish we could squeeze your hand or give you a hug. I'll be thinking about you and the little baby. I'm so sorry you've gone through so much

Fiona Picklebottom said...

I'm so sorry...

nevermelts said...

I'm so sorry :( I wish I could give you a hug! I was feeling hope too. How can you not? We'll all be with you to cheer the ups and support the downs, no apologies needed :)

annie said...

So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you...

susan said...

I am so so sorry. Sending you hugs and love from Australia.

Elizabeth said...

Sarah, I am so so sorry.
Please don't feel you have to apologize for anything. I think not to hope would be impossible.
I will be thinking of you.

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

oh no...

many, many hugs to you.

and no matter what, don't apologize. the beauty of this network is that we're here to offer you what little support we can no matter what.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Kelsey said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's more than anyone should have to bear.

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

Nose_in_a_book said...

So very very sorry.

aibee said...

Oh, honey. I am so sorry.

April said...

I know how you feel, I'd been trying to get pregnant for a year and was ecstatic when it finally happened. About 3 weeks after telling everyone, her heart stopped (I say her because I felt like it would have been a girl). I was devestated (sometimes still am). Better days ahead though as I know my little angel is in heaven, probably playing with yours.