I'm doing a garage sale tomorrow with a bunch of other people, and I am so relieved to have yet another project to think about instead of the other THING that is always in the back of my mind. And I know, I said before that I'm trying to actually FEEL my feelings instead of distracting myself from them, but sometimes I just need a damn break from all that feeling. Painting the living room (I also did a hallway earlier this week to match the living room) and getting the kids' pictures taken? Those were mainly done because I knew I needed to plan for mental breaks in the weeks following the miscarriage.
Sometimes you just get tired of feeling unhappy. I mean, that sounds so stupid and obvious. But there it is. Sometimes I'll be crying and think wearily, "Oh just STOP. What is the point anymore?" But once it's started, it's hard to force it down, something which always infuriates me.
Last night, I enjoyed my usual Thursday night ritual of drinking wine, eating junk food and watching NBC comedy shows, and then we went to bed. Happily. I mean, everything was fine; I wasn't feeling even remotely sad. But then as soon as I fell asleep I dreamed I was pregnant. It was like some kind of gauzy maternity photo shoot: I was blissfully happy, smiling and cradling my belly. Then I woke up and, after a few seconds of continued blissfulness, remembered that there was no baby inside me. It felt like actual, physical pain, that realization. I curled up around my stupid, empty belly and cried uncontrollably. I was barely even awake, and maybe that's what made me less coherent and more emotional, but I felt like I couldn't have stopped sobbing to save my life. I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep, and it felt like it took all night.
I look like a train wreck this morning: face puffy and blotchy, eyes bloodshot. I look like a hungover drunk. There aren't enough fun, distracting projects in the world to shake this feeling. My face is too tired to smile. And all through the grocery store this morning, Addy would point and yell in excitement, every time she saw a carseat in someone else's cart, "Look Mom! Look at the cute little baby!"
But tomorrow will be better.