I'll write more later, but I just wanted to thank every one of you for your kind comments. Having a blog is fun when you have happy stuff to say, but it's when things are feeling seriously sucky and unlucky that having this outlet matters the most to me.
We're doing okay around here. Physically things are mostly over with already, with relatively little ordeal, so that was an enormous relief that's probably contributing in large part to our sense of okay-ness. I was really nervous that deciding against the d and c might backfire and lead to a drawn out and miserable experience, or an emergency rush to the ER, but so far my body seems to be doing its thing without complication. It was almost TOO fast- I was expecting a few days to process things before I actually, physically lost the baby- but its mostly a relief to have this part over with.
I definitely have more to say later, but right now we're just trying to spend lots of time together and with Addy and Eli (although, THANK YOU, family who have graciously watched the kids during hours when we needed some alone time.) All I wanted as I sat in the doctor's office, furiously, tearfully awaiting my post-ultrasound consultation, was to hold my two babies and breathe them in. And also to look at their newborn pictures. And breathe them in.
I wanted another one of these so badly. I really did. I really do. But even if that doesn't happen for us again, or it's going to take much longer than we hoped, I am so lucky to have had the chance, twice. No one seems to have figured out how to solve whatever's wrong with me, but somehow, despite my body's craziness, we made those babies up there. And they are still my favorite babies in the whole wide world.