Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Things I Didn't Know

Things I didn't know before having children include, but are not limited to, the following:
-that while Addy is eating, trying to keep her and the dog away from one another is as futile as the Capulets and Montagues trying to keep the infamous star-crossed lovers apart.
-that baby nails are the sharpest weapons known to man.
-that breastfeeding is NOT always painless and effortlessly natural.
-that when one has a child in tow, complete strangers seem to feel that the boundaries of respect and privacy are removed and they are free to, say, yell sharply from three yards away, "That baby needs a hat!" And that even responding politely with, "Well, he actually had one on and was crying and trying to pull it off, so..." does not shut said strangers up. Instead it apparently invites them to respond nastily with, "Well, he's not the boss, you are!" over their shoulder as they walk away, leaving you gaping and fuming and thinking up wonderful retorts just a few minutes too late.
-that a rather long, lean two year old is actually easier to carry for long periods of time than a short but remarkably solid bundle of two-month-old.
-that introducing vitamins to a child only gives you one more thing to say "No" to when your kid starts asking for vitamins five times a day. Try explaining to a frantic toddler that ONE vitamin is a good thing, but LOTS of vitamins will make you sick.
-that potty training will involve many episodes of spotting a child about to go, rushing them to the potty where they twiddle their thumbs for ten minutes, then putting on a fresh diaper only to have it promptly soiled about a minute and a half later.

This is just off the top of my head. Feel free to educate me further and contribute to the list!


Jess said...

This is why I read parenting blogs. Now I know these things and I don't have a kid yet. Be prepared, that's my motto.

Swistle said...

I think "Shut it, bitch!" makes a good all-purpose retort to have on hand for tricky situations.

Swistle said...

Or how about, "Oh!! Is this your baby?" *starting to hand over baby* "Oh, wait--no, he's mine! I guess I'll continue to take care of him, then! Kthanx!"

bananafana said...

AMEN on the vitamins. I never ever dreamed that would be the battle it is . . . but in addition to wanting 5 or 6 a day, apparently my child thinks they are candy and also by association that candy is good for you and makes you grow stronger

K in the Mirror said...

Oh, breastfeeding = toe-curling pain! At least for the first three weeks. Then I got over it. Is it still terrible? I'm so sorry.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Yes! To all of it!

I hate strangers' asshats comments!

Anonymous said...

"That baby needs a hat" replies:
1. You need to mind your own business.
2. You need to shut your damn mouth.
3. Your momma.

Mommy Daisy said...

I love Swistle and Erica's response to the baby thing. I would have stood there with my mouth open. Yikes.

Oh, the new things we learn as parents. An exciting new adventure, no?

bethysak said...

OH MY GOSH! You hit it all right on the nose! Hilarious look at what my life is like every day, too... you are not alone for sure!

kristi said...

I agree with Swistle. I'd have to tell someone off!!