More of the Same

Wow, this may be the longest I've ever gone without posting. Sorry. As usual when nauseous, blue light from electronic screens makes me sick, so I mostly avoid looking at TVs or comnputers. I do remain pregnant, I'm happy (and slightly astonished, still) to report. Twelve weeks and four days, to be exact, and heard a heartbeat again last Thursday, so it seems all systems are go. Especially whatever system it is that makes my stomach churn and my mouth taste like metal and my gag reflex to kick in at the sight of a dirty sink or the opening of the fridge door.

I've been doing all sorts of things to suppress it: hiding in a dark room in bed, obviously; eating nothing but complex carbohydrates and drinking mainly 7-Up; sea bands, which help a little, I think, but really kind of HURT because they have to be pretty tight on your wrists to actually apply pressure, so most days I skip them; and Zofran occasionally. Not regularly, though, because a) I keep worrying about side effects to the baby and b) it's not helping that much this time anyways. It mostly suppresses the urge to dry heave, so when I'm going out in public for any length of time I usually take it to avoid embarassment, but at home I mostly don't bother because I still feel nauseous a lot of the time either way.

It is getting more bearable. I think I'm rounding the curve and that the nausea will recede with the end of the first trimester, as usual, so I just keep thanking God I'm not one of those women who feels sick the whole time. I'm also thankful I've been mostly able to keep from actually vomiting this time around. I have definitely felt just as miserable as in pregnancies when I was throwing up, but at least I've avoided the mess and grossness and dehydration aspects. I remember when I was carrying Jameson thinking that if I could just puke I'd feel better. Not so much. Then I just ended up throwing up all day. It was like uncorking a damn or something. So this time I really fought the vomit urge right from the start, until I could almost always force myself to just gag, but not actually throw up. (This is such a nice topic, no?)

But I know I'm lucky, and not everyone can do that. Whenever I read about people with hyperemesis gravidarum or whatever it's called, I just can't believe they go on to voluntarily get pregnant AGAIN, sometimes many times! Proof positive that the biological baby urge often utterly defies logic or self preservation instincts, no? Right now I am feeling like it would take an absolute miracle for me to ever want to get pregnant again. (Of course, it basically was a miracle that I got, and stayed, pregnant THIS time, so...) It's just such a bizarre and overwhelming experience: I go from being a fairly energetic and productive and fun person to being a miserable hag with stringy hair who drags around the house in sweatpants, cringing every time I enter a new room because of the unbearable smell of the dog or the kids or the coffee or the AIR.

So yeah, I was a lot of fun during the holidays, obviously. Feeling like a slightly depressed spectator at Christmas was possibly the lousiest part of the whole morning sickness thing. But I'm grateful: Jim did a LOT this year, from shopping to wrapping to making Christmas breakfast. And he's basically done all the dishes and tidying lately, and all the dog care and pretty much all the morning kid care during Christmas break, so that I could stay in bed until I felt okay-ish. Today he is back to work, and I miss him already. I also miss his ability to run out and try to find food that might tempt/help me, because I've already exhausted all my fail-safe foods and am feeling the queasy heaving coming on again, despite much teeth brushing and sipping on Vitamin Water and all my other tricks.

You know what else makes me sick? (You: Oh YAY, we're going to talk about this some MORE!) The sound of several of the kids' movies and video games, because they've been on so much while I've been sick that it's become like this... soundtrack to my misery. Every time I hear Mario Brothers I want to barf. I've also grown to despise the color of our kitchen and am desperate to repaint when I feel well, because that's the room in which I most often feel sick, and so, again, the color has become like this symbol of feeling ill, I guess. Anyone else ever get that? And anyone else sort of LOATHE their pets when they feel nauseous?

But there is good stuff going on. We're refinancing our house, which is very exciting to me, and plans are in motion to finally do that bedroom/bath addition very soon, which is THRILLING to me. It probably won't be finished before baby comes, but close at least, and since the baby will sleep in our room for a few months anyways it's not a big deal. But oh! A master bathroom at last. And a guest powder room, separate from the family bathrooms and free of underpants on the floor and mildewy bath toys lurking in hidden corners!

But before that, there is much, much work. Like today, when I desperately need to pick up this trashed house and vacuum before the appraiser for the refinancing gets here tomorrow. I was very optimistic about all my cleaning plans last night ("Tomorrow I'm going to feel great! I'm going to be back to normal and swing into action!" etc.) But I already just want to hide in bed again while the baby naps. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe if I appear truly, pitifully pregnant and forlorn, the messy house will work FOR us and the appraiser will take pity and give us a higher estimate?