Thursday, June 03, 2010

Sad/Sulk

I'm feeling very cranky the last two days. Well, pissy actually. That would be a more accurate word. Cranky sounds like a kid who missed his nap. I feel a little more like a kid who just had someone come along and steal their ice cream cone or something. I sort of want to punch someone. I keep getting irrationally angry about things like laundry left too long in the washer, to the point of throwing said laundry and then bursting into tears of frustration. I feel like I am stuck in some kind of terrible inertia, wandering around grumpily and spinning my wheels while accomplishing nothing of either housework or good parenting. We returned home from Canada late Sunday night, and it has taken me until this morning to get all the laundry finished up and put away. Don't even ask about the state of the rest of the house, but I just can't seem to care.

I don't know. I know it's normal to be worried until we find out for sure what's going on. I have cried about it like three times already, and I'm not really a crier. I just keep hearing the doctor's voice saying, "Now, this doesn't mean you're definitely going to lose your baby or anything..." And me thinking, "But it is a possibility. You're bringing it up, so that means it's possible." But I can't even think about that too deeply. I keep telling myself that the WORST case scenario would just be that the baby would have to be delivered early, via C-section, and that he'd be in the NICU for awhile and/or would be underweight from intrauterine growth restriction.

Even that is pretty awful to consider right now, but as long as he makes it and we get to take him home I think I'm not going to care too much about the other stuff. And obviously I'm hoping that none of that happens and that somehow this stuff just... resolves itself, I guess, and the baby will be fine and go to term. I just feel so mad still that this is even happening, and that finding out about it kind of ruined the fun of finding out the sex of the baby for me.

I just want so badly to know if something is seriously wrong or not. I want so badly for some kind of guarantee that if I do x and x then the baby will be ok. I want to stop feeling like the universe is totally against me having children and is constantly trying to thwart things, or that I am just genuinely terrible at gestating babies and that we would be better off hiring a surrogate if we ever have more.

Hmm, wallowing in self pity much? I know, I need to snap out of it. For the other kids' sake if not for myself. I did feel a lot better last night after talking to some friends, and making light of some of the otherwise depressing doctoral orders, such as (please look away if you're squeamish and/or related to me) forbidding me to have an orgasm until the baby is born. Yep. The fun just never ends. Since my uterus is kind of irritable and the Braxton Hicks are continuing to come rather painfully on a regular basis and since we're going to have enough early labor problems to contend with if the placenta starts deteriorating, she said I shouldn't do anything that would trigger contractions, and that orgasm was one of the things I should specifically avoid. I can't wait to break THIS one out in about fifteen years: "Son, you had better not give me grief about this! You know what I gave up for YOU while I was pregnant?!"

14 comments:

Fran said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hillary said...

That last doctor's order is irritating enough, let alone the what-if worry. You have every right to be sulky. Sending good thoughts your way ...

Jess said...

Ugh. I'd be worried and grumpy too, even without the orgasm ban. I hope you get a good positive answer, and very soon.

bananafana said...

man I'd be completely grumpy too. Actually, I AM completely grumpy and I have no good excuse so that must mean you HAVE to be . . . or something. It's so much different when you say HE instead of the baby and it's breaking my heart! You've got to catch a break/get some good news soon!!! I went to the hospital like once a week with preterm labor issues with both kids so I'm getting your worry loud and clear over here. Pregnancy is nerve wracking enough without complications. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

Tess said...

Oh, I do not blame you for feeling pissy AT ALL. This is just miserable.

Hang in there.

d e v a n said...

Good lord. If you weren't grumpy you would be like, Mother Theresa or something. Thinking about you and wishing you all the best and some really, really good news.

LoriD said...

It's so hard to concentrate when you've got something so heavy on your mind. I hope you find some peace soon.

Elizabeth said...

I won't say I know EXACTLY how you feel, but lord, I have been there, and I don't blame you for feeling grumpy and stressed at all. It's just so SUCKY worrying about the baby and there's nothing you can do and you just feel ROBBED of this normal happy pregnancy you wanted and you feel bad for complaining but you don't know what else to do because the worry is just there sitting on you all the time and the doctors are no help and a lot of times they make it worse. And it just gets to bea A LOT and still - NOTHING YOU CAN DO. It's awful.
The good news is that I think talking about it does help, and that we are all out here in blogland pulling for you and sending you all our very best thoughts.

artemisia said...

Don't beat yourself up too much. It is scary! There is so much out of your control; it is only natural to struggle mightily with that.

Take care.

Marie Green said...

I think that one of the biggest and hardest lessons of pregnancy is that we are not in control. This is absolutely out of your control, and that must feel MADDENING. I can't imagine how frustrated you must be!

I'm really pulling for some awesome news for you, for what it worth.

Swistle said...

If you were NOT feeling pissy, I would be worried about your mental state.

Mimi said...

I'm so sorry about your worries. You are definitely entitled to feel pissy or mad or whatever you want to feel right now. May the rest of your pregnancy be smooth and uneventful.

Kelsey said...

I am keeping you in my thoughts - complicated pregnancies are miserable for everyone. I agree that it would be odd not to feel pissy about it.

I have had some very therapeutic temper tantrums w/ laundry, so you're not alone there!

Katy said...

I'm really glad you're getting a second opinion.

As far as the "what if" game goes--Charlie has a LOT, LOT of medical issues--many of them, individually sound like the worst thing in the world. My worriest about those things were always far worse than dealing with the actual issues. Not that it helps when those pregnancy hormones have you spinning like a top.