Attack of the Killer Ants

Today has been one disgusting fire to put out after another- and let's see, it's only nine am, so I'm thinking I should just go hide back in bed right now before this day goes even further downhill. The nastiness technically started last night, but it was around one in the morning, so I'm counting it in with today's lineup to make it a tidier little sum of misery. Also, it'll sound more overwhelming and evoke more sympathy. So, last night's problem: invasion of killer ants.

A little background is that I was eating tortilla chips and hummus, watching stand up comedy and laughing so hard I actually thought I... burst a muscle in my stomach, or something. I can't describe it exactly, but it felt like my lower abdominals actually snapped. Round ligament pain coupled with a two week long, racking cough can really wreak havoc on the 'ole abs. Can't wait to see my belly after this kid finally emerges!

Anyhoos, when finished with the hummus, I sat the bag of chips on the floor next to the couch, opening standing straight up, and forgot about them until it was time to go to bed. During this interval, I kept feeling itchy and slapping at my arms and ankles, but figured I was just feeling fidgety because all the laughing really woke me up and I always get all twitchy when I'm watching TV but feeling wide awake.

Fast forward to one. I stand up, pick up the bag of chips, shuffle off to the kitchen where the light is on, and realize that the entire bag, inside and out, is crawling with ants. And that there were also not a few ants swarming the couch where I had just been sitting, absentmindedly slapping at my "phantom" itchiness.

I can't even describe to you the screaming and throwing of items across the room and possible swear words and yelling for Jim to rescue me that went on. It was pretty embarrassing given that they WERE just ants and not, say, killer scorpions. But there were a LOT. We ended up pulling the couch out, dust bustering up an ungodly amount of ants, finding a piece of cereal which seemed to be drawing them, and then putting down ant traps to try to lure the ant line to their death rather than to our food containers.

By we I mostly mean Jim. My main contribution was hopping around, shrieking, and remembering where the ant traps were. And then hopping around some more, reliving the situation and hyperventilating and going on and on about how much I hate bugs.

Then this morning there was: a bag of nasty garbage torn open all over the garage, presumably by a RACCOON; a refrigerator which I suddenly realized was full of horrifyingly old leftovers and random unused produce and OMG cleaning that Tupperware out was maybe more shudder-worthy than the ant attack; a runaway dog, and of course it stormed last night and so he returned wet and muddy; and finally, discovered while cleaning out the nasty leftovers, the underside of a sink strainer so disgusting I had to scrub it off BEFORE I could put it in the dishwasher to sanitize. And a dirty diaper change thrown in just for good measure.

HAPPY WEEKEND TO ME.