Friday, June 27, 2008

Insomnia

I went to bed pretty early last night, early for me anyways- ten thirty. But then I stayed up until eleven thirty watching TV because I couldn't unwind, and felt hot and thrashy (only term I can think of for the itchy feeling of wanting to throw all the covers off and exchange them for completely different feeling bedding, and perhaps a new bed while you're at it, kthanx.) I'm pretty sure I had way, way too much caffeine yesterday.

I finally fell asleep close to midnight, and slept very soundly until four thirty, when Eli woke up. Getting nearly five hours of sleep in a row is pretty refreshing for me, as I'm still used to getting up for two feedings per night. So after I nursed him back to sleep, I found myself feeling WIIIDE awake.

I laid in bed for a little while, trying to talk myself into being sleepy, but a million things raced through my mind: thoughts about the remodel going on, and how excited I am, but how I just want it to be DONE ALREADY because I have the patience of a toddler sometimes. I thought about our waterbed, and how sometimes, mostly in the winter or while pregnant, I love it more than anything else in this house, and it is warm and enveloping and molds perfectly around my body's curves. But there are other times, like when I'm having trouble sleeping, for instance, or when I'm trying to nurse in bed, or trying to hoist my pregnant self OUT of bed, that it is WAY too low and soft and has no support and is all sorts of uncomfortable. We need a new bed. We really do, I told myself.

This line of thought did bring up pregnancy, which soon got me off the bed subject. Hmm. Is it the right time yet? I wondered. Eli will be ten months old in two days. When Addy was this age I was very ready for another baby, or at least, ready to start trying for one. I am feeling MORE ready now than I did three months ago, for sure, especially since he is more often than not, the last few weeks, managing to get through the night with just one feeding. But I'm still not one hundred percent convinced that the timing is right. He's such a needy baby, and would I be short changing him by adding another baby and dethroning him so soon? Or would he be happy to have another playmate- he loves Addy SO much.

What about ME? Jim and I both want four or five kids, and want them to be fairly close together. But I feel LESS of a need to have them close together, I guess. I realize Jim is older than me and is hearing the biological clock ticking and the need to hurry our family planning along, and I understand his feelings. The whole "if I have a kid at forty I'll be nearly sixty when they graduate." But if we keep having kids every two years, the fact is that if I'm pregnant for nine months and breastfeed for an average of six months, that's at least- at least!- SIXTY months of my twenties that are going to be physically devoted to feeding, sustaining, and toting around another human being. A human being I love dearly, yes, but it's a lot of unselfishness packed into a fairly short time frame. Am I up for that? Because I don't want to commit to it and then resent it: I really feel that is FAR more selfish than waiting until I do feel ready.

I got up and moved to the couch, got a bowl of cereal, and put in season two of Friends. There are only so many times you can rehash the logic of this decision while staring at the ceiling of your bedroom and trying not to toss and turn too much.

But my brain would not turn off. What if we got pregnant now? You'd be due in late March. You've always wanted an early spring baby, so you wouldn't have to be big and pregnant in the heat. If you wait until Eli's a year old to start trying, chances are it'll take you a few months, you'll get pregnant in November or December, and wind up with another summer pregnancy. Might as well start trying now- if it takes a few months, you'd still be due in May or June, which would avoid the hottest months of summer.

I rolled over on the couch, trying to close my eyes and just listen to the TV. Stop thinking about stuff! Just sleep! It was already five thirty. I could hear BIRDS CHIRPING. I briefly considered going outside for a walk in the faint, faint light, but felt too weirded out by the idea of being up for the day already.

Or you could wait until NEXT summer to try, and then you'd have more of a break between the two, and still have a spring baby. Oh, but then Addy would be almost five, and you've always hoped she'd have a sister fairly close in age to be friends with, like you had.

Of course, there's no way to guarantee this next baby would be a girl. Adelay might still have to wait until she's six or so before she got a sister, even if we DO have another one now. But then at least Eli would have a brother close to his age to be friends with, and that'd be cool too...

I finally fell asleep. I dreamed I was drowning, and woke up physically gasping for air.

Six hours later I have a pounding headache, am utterly exhausted, and am no closer to answers than I was. I guess there are some things you can't really figure out. You just have to feel it out.

14 comments:

Swistle said...

Mmmmm, I LOVE pregnancy/spacing talk!

I think the restful way of thinking about it is that just about all the outcomes are good. Like, HOWEVER you end up doing it, later you'll think that was the BEST way.

I AGONIZED over the 4-year spacing between William and the next pregnancy, but now I think it's GREAT. I wondered if I could stand the less-than-2-year spacing between the twins and Henry, and now I think it's great. I'd thought our four-child family was perfect, so balanced and awesome, and that the fifth child would muck it up. But now I think the five-child family is perfect, so balanced and awesome, and I worry a sixth child would muck it up.

Mommy Daisy said...

Wow, that's a lot to think about in the middle of the "night". But I hear you, I do the same thing.

I think that we've waited far too long to add another child to our family. Then I think about the fact that my sister is 3 1/2 years younger than me, and that's most likely going to be the age gap with our kids. And it was fine for my sister and I, and we're great friends now and got along well as kids.

Anyway, you're not alone in all those thoughts. It's hard when there are no great answers. Oh, and a spring baby is nice. I think about that a lot this time of year. It was July 7th 3 years ago when I found out I was pregnant for Zachariah. I loved having a winter pregnancy and a spring baby. Although I think I was something different next time...just to try it out. Only God's timing is perfect, though.

Maggie said...

Insomnia is the WORST. You can literally lose your mind when you are busy not sleeping. It sucks.

I think that, like Swistle said, whatever spacing you end up with will be just right for you. But still - I can see why it kept you up at night!

Jess said...

I find this sort of thing FASCINATING. I ALREADY lie awake wondering about this stuff, and we don't even have ONE kid. Our thought of adopting our second child makes it more complicated, though, because adoption could take only a few months or it could take multiple years, and there's no guarantee of how old the child will be when you do get it, so you really can't do much about the spacing. But that sense of a lack of control is kind of nice, too--it does help you realize that whatever spacing you wind up with, it will work, and you won't be able to imagine your family any other way.

RachelAnn said...

Sarah,

Now I know you have baby fever again since Jess is pregnant (congrats Jess!) but don't forget how you always have random horrible physical ailments during pregnancy? Just make sure you're ready for that again especaily with the remodeling of the house and all. Not that I would mind another darling niece or nephew but.......

d e v a n said...

It's so hard to decide when you're trying to plan these things, but things always seem to work out just as intended (by someone, even if not you.) and then you can't imagine it being any other way.

jen said...

I kind of giggled here, because I've done the same thing! I still do the same thing. And I sometimes find my feelings at night are way different than my feelings during the day.

I was also SO ready for another baby when L was 8-9 mos old, and got pregnant with D 5 min later. Then I had a pregnancy scare when D was 9 months old and cried and cried thinking it was going to ruin his little life. And now J is going to be 9 months old and things T & I talked about make me want another one but I'm ready to start NOW unlike when I was with D.

SLynnRo said...

I am also utterly fascinated by this. Especially as someone who doesn't even know if they want one kid. But I agree with Swistle, whatever you do, you will think it turned out for the best anyway.

Jill said...

Isn't it so funny how a few weeks ago you were panicking becuase you hadn't gotten your period, and now you're all hmmm maybe we should have another...
Ah, hormones. We're still trying for number one and at this point I can't imagine being disappointed if my period was late. And, um, once we have a kid or two please remind me of this comment because I'm sure I'll think a bit differently then!

beth said...

Like you I often just can't turn off my brain and I agonized over when to have another, then if we should have another. I think at some point you do just know, but that feeling just comes when it comes. All the logic in the world can't make it come faster. So frustrating. As far as I know my husband has none of these issues.

jennifer, playgroups are no place for children said...

Why do all of life's BIGGEST decisions have to be made in the middle of the night?

This happens to me all the time, including the decision to even have another child.

Whatever you choose will be the right thing for your family...you won't know a different way.

Jenn said...

Good luck!

Emily said...

Sorry to hear you had one of those nights. But hopefully things will work themselves out. . .

Also, you totally reminded me that my parents & grandparents had waterbeds when I was little and I loved them.

Bird said...

Friends does cure a lot of ills.

A friend of mine is in a very similar spot. She's always wanted three kids close together. When she was pregnant with number two all she could talk about was the next one. Well, number two is here, and the next one won't be close AT ALL and at this point she's not even sure she wants that third one.

I think everyone stresses, but for me, the most important thing is to have the next baby when you FEEL like trying for another one. My heart says that I could have another one now, so I'm not struessing over it, but when Charlie was nine months old? No freakin' way.