I went to bed pretty early last night, early for me anyways- ten thirty. But then I stayed up until eleven thirty watching TV because I couldn't unwind, and felt hot and thrashy (only term I can think of for the itchy feeling of wanting to throw all the covers off and exchange them for completely different feeling bedding, and perhaps a new bed while you're at it, kthanx.) I'm pretty sure I had way, way too much caffeine yesterday.
I finally fell asleep close to midnight, and slept very soundly until four thirty, when Eli woke up. Getting nearly five hours of sleep in a row is pretty refreshing for me, as I'm still used to getting up for two feedings per night. So after I nursed him back to sleep, I found myself feeling WIIIDE awake.
I laid in bed for a little while, trying to talk myself into being sleepy, but a million things raced through my mind: thoughts about the remodel going on, and how excited I am, but how I just want it to be DONE ALREADY because I have the patience of a toddler sometimes. I thought about our waterbed, and how sometimes, mostly in the winter or while pregnant, I love it more than anything else in this house, and it is warm and enveloping and molds perfectly around my body's curves. But there are other times, like when I'm having trouble sleeping, for instance, or when I'm trying to nurse in bed, or trying to hoist my pregnant self OUT of bed, that it is WAY too low and soft and has no support and is all sorts of uncomfortable. We need a new bed. We really do, I told myself.
This line of thought did bring up pregnancy, which soon got me off the bed subject. Hmm. Is it the right time yet? I wondered. Eli will be ten months old in two days. When Addy was this age I was very ready for another baby, or at least, ready to start trying for one. I am feeling MORE ready now than I did three months ago, for sure, especially since he is more often than not, the last few weeks, managing to get through the night with just one feeding. But I'm still not one hundred percent convinced that the timing is right. He's such a needy baby, and would I be short changing him by adding another baby and dethroning him so soon? Or would he be happy to have another playmate- he loves Addy SO much.
What about ME? Jim and I both want four or five kids, and want them to be fairly close together. But I feel LESS of a need to have them close together, I guess. I realize Jim is older than me and is hearing the biological clock ticking and the need to hurry our family planning along, and I understand his feelings. The whole "if I have a kid at forty I'll be nearly sixty when they graduate." But if we keep having kids every two years, the fact is that if I'm pregnant for nine months and breastfeed for an average of six months, that's at least- at least!- SIXTY months of my twenties that are going to be physically devoted to feeding, sustaining, and toting around another human being. A human being I love dearly, yes, but it's a lot of unselfishness packed into a fairly short time frame. Am I up for that? Because I don't want to commit to it and then resent it: I really feel that is FAR more selfish than waiting until I do feel ready.
I got up and moved to the couch, got a bowl of cereal, and put in season two of Friends. There are only so many times you can rehash the logic of this decision while staring at the ceiling of your bedroom and trying not to toss and turn too much.
But my brain would not turn off. What if we got pregnant now? You'd be due in late March. You've always wanted an early spring baby, so you wouldn't have to be big and pregnant in the heat. If you wait until Eli's a year old to start trying, chances are it'll take you a few months, you'll get pregnant in November or December, and wind up with another summer pregnancy. Might as well start trying now- if it takes a few months, you'd still be due in May or June, which would avoid the hottest months of summer.
I rolled over on the couch, trying to close my eyes and just listen to the TV. Stop thinking about stuff! Just sleep! It was already five thirty. I could hear BIRDS CHIRPING. I briefly considered going outside for a walk in the faint, faint light, but felt too weirded out by the idea of being up for the day already.
Or you could wait until NEXT summer to try, and then you'd have more of a break between the two, and still have a spring baby. Oh, but then Addy would be almost five, and you've always hoped she'd have a sister fairly close in age to be friends with, like you had.
Of course, there's no way to guarantee this next baby would be a girl. Adelay might still have to wait until she's six or so before she got a sister, even if we DO have another one now. But then at least Eli would have a brother close to his age to be friends with, and that'd be cool too...
I finally fell asleep. I dreamed I was drowning, and woke up physically gasping for air.
Six hours later I have a pounding headache, am utterly exhausted, and am no closer to answers than I was. I guess there are some things you can't really figure out. You just have to feel it out.