Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Apparently, I Am A Sex Ed Teacher

So today, I'm checking out at my friendly neighborhood Rite Aid, buying diapers, chocolate ice cream, chocolate Cask and Cream liqueur, and (gasp!) an ovulation predictor kit. The saleswoman, whom I would guess to be early sixties, gave my pile the once over and then, smirking conspiratorially at the liqueur, asked, "So are we celebrating with THAT if the results are positive?"

Ahem. And I was all, "No, dipshit, this is NOT a pregnancy test, it is an ovulation kit. Which for all you know I could be using to AVOID pregnancy. If it WERE a pregnancy test, I would hardly be celebrating a positive with alcohol. EITHER WAY, why are you commenting on my purchases?"

No, I jest. I just blushed and stammered, "Um, it's not a pregnancy test, it's an ovulation predictor?" This was met with furrowed brows. I continued on, to borrow a phrase from Jack Burns, like an unstoppable rebel force. "So that I can, um, know when... Well, when that could happen? Getting... Pregnant, I mean. And it can help you either GET pregnant or, you know, NOT get... Pregnant." She stared at me as though I were trying to pull a fast one on her, then nodded skeptically. "Ok, hon."

Gahhh. Maybe I should just go back on the Pill. At least that doesn't require awkward mini-seminars given to random strangers.

23 comments:

beth said...

I always have those great come backs after the fact, but never in the moment!

K in the Mirror said...

Rite Aid sells liquor now? I've been away from Rite Aid far too long, apparently.

I love your new picture! I saw it in one of Tessie's comments and had to come over and check it out. :)

Billie said...

Thank goodness the checkers at our CVS say not one single word about our purchases. I mean really... does anyone want any comments on pregnancy tests, condoms, tampons or any other personal purchase?

Billie

JMC said...

Ha! My husband and I (pre-marriage, shhhhh) once went into a Rite-Aid and bought nicotine patches (he was quitting smoking) and condoms. The lady kind of looked funny, so he said, "I'll get lucky if I quit smoking." I died on the spot. Though he was telling the truth.

Jess said...

Wait, I'm a little confused. Why would you be celebrating your pregnancy with alcohol? Last I heard alcohol was still on the list of Things that Are Taboo to Consume During Pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Costco sells those too, for much cheaper.

Tessie said...

Horrifying.

Also, dude. You can buy those in bulk from the same place as the pregancy tests!

jess said...

That's probably the same lady that commented on my simultaneous purchase of newborn diapers and pregnancy tests at that same Rite Aid. She was like "Wow, someone is going to be busy if theses are positive." I was so sleep-deprived at that time that I didn't even have the energy to correct her and let her know that the diapers were a gift for a baby shower. People need to mind their own business.

d e v a n said...

OMG. That's too funny. I probably would have just smiled and nodded. Too funny that you told the nosey clerk about ovulation prediction. lol

Saly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saly said...

GAAAH! This reminds me of this middle-aged woman who works in my office, shortly after Lucy was born, asking whether or not my back pack was a school bag. (It clearly wasn't). Nope, I told her. Then she asked if it was my lunch. Nope again. Her curiosity got the best of her and she came out and asked what it actually was. When I told her it was my breast pump, she nearly spit her teeth out.

Kelsey said...

I think as a general rule, cashiers should never, ever comment on purchases. What was she thinking!

Amy said...

I always have what I should have said in my head for hours after a thing like this.

I love the word dipshit. You totally should have used it.

Swistle said...

I was buying a pregnancy test once (I think it was when I was wondering about Henry's existence), and I had all four kids with me, and the cashier raised her eyebrows at the test and said, "Would this be good news or bad news?" (I said, "Depends on whether it's positive or negative.")

RachelAnn said...

I thought you didn't want another baby right now? What is it with salespeople? Yours ask about pregnancy test, mine assume I'm married and upon realizing I'm not try to console me (even though I'm not upset) by saying "don't worry dear, it will happen someday" WTF!!! (And PS: this happened to me TWICE at two different places.)

SLynnRo said...

Fucking people....ya know?

Susiewearsthepants said...

I think I would have turned into a puddle of mush right there in the store. The commenting on your purchases was SO inappropriate. Good grief, you just can't leave your own house anymore.

andi said...

OMG. I have no idea what I would have said! What a nosy bag.

Astarte said...

Isn't it sad that we're still defending our, um, personal choice purchases at store counters?! Fifteen years ago, it was the stammered excuses for who those sponges/condoms/pregnancy tests were for, and we're STILL getting questioned by old people!!!! No fair!!!

And I suppose those Depends under her register are just for her friend, right? :)

Bird said...

Why IS she commenting on your purchases?

One time I was picking up a pregnancy test, some candy, and then I spotted Southern Living Weddings, which is a beatiful magazine/book thing, so I had to grab it. I realized that I probably had the saddest check-out combo ever. If that didn't work out then I still had my candy. I looked like I was knocked up and hoping someone would marry me. I'd actually been married for a couple of years, but sometimes I just can't resist those pretty pictures.

Mommy Daisy said...

Ugh, that is so annoying. I'm glad the I never got commented/questioned about my purchases of pregnancy test or other such things. And now I'm glad that I can just buy them in bulk online. Whew.

Life As I Know It said...

I can't believe she even made a comment like that to you!

Marie Green said...

Hee, hee, hee. Also: SHUT UP CASHIERS. I mean, they should NEVER have a reason to comment.