Friday, September 05, 2008

Twinges

Standing in the baby aisle at the grocery store choosing new sippee cups next to a very pregnant woman. She is discussing with the woman next to her how soon she is due and how excited she is and how HUGE she is, etc. I abandon the sippee cup train of thought and leave, unable to listen to more, and unable to stay WITHOUT listening a little too intently.

Passing a pro-life billboard with a picture of a baby and the caption, "Eighteen days from conception, my heart was beating." Doing mental math to figure out that if the pregnancy stopped developing at five weeks, which means the BABY was actually three weeks old, and three weeks is twenty-one days, then... Sinking feeling.

Running into someone who had heard that I was pregnant, and having to tell her I am not any more. Hearing her first words: "Oh... Are you so relieved?" Feeling the heat rush into my face, unsure if it is from anger or shame.

Seeing Eli standing at the table, running his cars back and forth and looking so much like a toddler and so little like a baby. Trying to figure out how long it might feasibly be before there will be a tiny baby around here again. Trying to figure out how long it will be until I will feel ready to wish for that scenario.

Thinking about the step by step process of trying again. This time there will be medical supervision and hormone supplements, and probably Clomid as well, to correct my luteal phase and boost my progesterone. It seemed to work with Eli, after the first miscarriage, so why mess with success? Then there will be more supplements, and if those work, weekly shots until the baby is born to hopefully prevent preterm labor. All of this leads to the depressing and admittedly self-pitying conclusion that I am not nearly as good at having babies as I once assumed I would be. The actual birth seems to be the only thing I can successfully handle on my own.

I KNOW how lucky I am. I have two healthy kids. This is all anyone could reasonably wish for, and I know wanting more kids, more luck, is almost greedy. There are people who have NEVER carried a baby to term. Any sadness I feel, any sense of failure or anger I may have towards my body for not doing its job pales in comparison to the pain of unresolved infertility, and I am aware of that. But I can't feel that. All I can feel is this.

21 comments:

Musings of a Mom said...

It's ok to feel all of those things. It's ok to be sad.

LoriD said...

In your last paragraph you sound almost apologetic for feeling the way you do. You have every right to mourn, and every right to be frustrated and angry and sad. People will say stupid things (relieved? seriously?). It sucks. All of it. You don't need to put on a brave face for anyone.

Jess said...

You have the right to feel every bit of pain you feel. Should you be happy for what you have - yes! Does that mean you can't be sad - no!

I have nothing else to say that wouldn't sound like a total cliche. We are praying for you and love you. Let us know if we can do anything to help.

Maggie said...

Happiness and pain are not mutually exclusive.

Hang in there -- my fingers will be crossed that things work out for you!

Mommy Daisy said...

These are all perfectly normal feelings to have. You are only human. You wanted THAT baby as much as you wanted any. It's not selfish and it's not silly. It's real.

Hugs! And may God grant you peace about this. His timing is better than ours. That's a hard thing to know, but it's truth.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

If it's any consolation (and right now it won't be, so that's a stupid lead-in), those sad feelings will eventually fade and you'll be able to listen to other pregnant women and see pro-life billboards without crushing sadness. Your loss will always come to mind, but it won't hurt so much. Unfortunately, stupid comments from others will never stop being stupid.

After every one of my miscarriages, I was extremely depressed. It's a good thing to have your other children, because it forces you to move on. I don't know how I would have handled things if I hadn't had my other kids to have to present a normal facade to. Eventually, the normalcy will stop being a facade. Hang in there.

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

You're are fully within your rights to feel whatever you feel.

And that woman that you ran into who said, "are you so relieved?"

What the heck is she smoking? Who SAYS things like that??! Even to someone (not you) who may have been lamenting being pregnant for whatever reason....

You just don't say those things. GAH.

desperate housewife said...

I should point out, in the interest of fairness, that the woman who said, "Are you relieved?" had known that I was initially feeling very overwhelmed at the idea of three children under four years old. When I had told her the news about being pregnant, she had been in the process of telling me how exhausting it is having three little ones (her third is a couple months old) and how now you're ALWAYS outnumbered, even when Dad's home, etc. I'm sure she was feeling bad for me that I wasn't exactly glowing with joy about being pregnant, and figured that relief WAS my primary emotion here. I don't want to make her sound cruel. But it was just not exactly good timing, since even though there HAS been feelings of relief, there has also been massive GUILT over feeling relieved. So I just didn't want to be reminded of it.

Bird said...

Whenever things don't go as planned, there is grief. There's no two ways about it.

I mourned the loss of a "perfect" child, well aware that many other women in my place went home with no baby at all. It's OK to know that you are blessed and still mourn the loss of a dream. I think that's part of being human. Probably doesn't make you feel any better, but that's all I've got.

Erin said...

It is grief. There is no talking yourself out of it. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. Just get through it. Somehow, it gets better with time. I guess you probably know that, but sometimes it helps (or, it does for me) to be reassured of that from others.

I am sorry sweetie.

Lisa said...

You are entitled to feel ALL of these feelings. The loss of a baby at any stage is difficult and you should take time to grieve.

d e v a n said...

Huge hugs! You can feel how you feel. There's no reason to be apologetic or guilty about it. You're just coping and getting through it and that's OK.

Jess said...

You know, there's always someone who is in a worse situation than we are, and while it's very sweet to feel like you shouldn't be complaining when it could be worse, knowing that it could be worse doesn't make our own tough situations any easier, and that's OK. This is hard and you are handling it so well, and it's OK to feel the way you do. I wish you didn't have to, though.

Shelly said...

Thinking about you. And echoing what everyone else has said - you have the right to feel sad, and relived, and everything in between. Take the time to fully heal from this and be gentle with yourself.

Jill said...

This is just heartbreaking. Yes, you are lucky to have two beautiful healthy children, but that doesn't make the pain of your loss any less justified.

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

You have every right to mourn. When it comes to suffering or heartache, there aren't people who are MORE allowed.

I want to smack the person who asked you if you were relieved!? REally?? Sorry you had to hear that.

Hugs to you.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I'm so so sorry. This came up in my shared items and I had to click over.

I also have three (count - 3!) healthy children. While we were trying to conceive one more - my last little baby - I was diagnosed with Premature Menopause. So, I went though menopause at 39 and am now officially post-menopausal and infertile, just like your grandma.

It was totally devastating. And I know how blessed I am. But I'm still devastated.

It's OK to be sad about this.

CAQuincy said...

I echo: It's OK. You're entitled.

And even if she knew you were feeling overwhelmed, she could have kept it at a simple, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and left it at that. Whoops on her part.

Kelsey said...

Women, but especially mothers, are not always good at finding the time and space they need to heal. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. I still get "twinges" related to my scary (scary to me, anyway) hospital bed rest and premature birth experience with Michael, and he's a healthy six months old now. It will take time. I'm so sorry.

Astarte said...

Do not feel bad about feeling bad!!!!! Of COURSE you feel sad. You wanted that baby. I cannot BELIEVE that that woman asked if you were RELIEVED. What a thing to say!!!! I mean, you just don't ASK questions like that!!!!! I hope you wiped your nose on her shirt as you walked by. Be sad. This is life, and it comes with happiness and sadness. You are allowed to feel it ALL. If you didn't, you would be a flat, boring, uncaring person, and you're not.

Annie said...

Just sending more hugs your way.