Monday, September 29, 2008

Coming Around

The thing about miscarrying that is hurting me the most is that it wasn't really a biological fluke, per se, but that there is something medically wrong with me which has most likely caused my miscarriages, and which causes my preterm labor (a luteal phase defect, and then, if I don't miscarry, subsequent low progesterone levels throughout pregnancy.)

Having children has been something I've dreamed about forever, and I just always assumed that it would be smooth sailing. I mean, look at these childbearing hips! Observe this maternal instinct! You should have seen all the baby dolls I nurtured! The bratty kids I babysat! The staggering number of A Baby Story episodes I have watched! I appear MADE to have babies, right?! Basically my mind is stomping its foot in fury- my body has betrayed me, and it's not FAIR! It shouldn't have to be HARD for me! I fluctuate between grief and a kind of petulance.

Friday night, though, I finally got a chance to talk to a friend of mine about my current state of mind. I knew she has had three miscarriages, and might understand. Talking with her helped me enormously, and she gave me very wise counsel for dealing with my emotions. It was incredibly PAINFUL counsel (that I allow myself to grieve for a baby, for the baby girl I had been certain it was even before I got a positive pregnancy test. I had forced this idea from my mind so far, wanting only to think of it only as a failed pregnancy and nothing more. But letting myself feel it has actually helped enormously. I now remember that it was the same last time. It was only the night when I first addressed the baby I had lost that I was able to release some of the disappointment.)

So in conclusion, I think I am maybe starting to round the bend of this thing. I'm not ready to face another pregnancy yet (especially since Eli's bedtime routine now consists of screaming his fool head off for a good hour) but I am able to enjoy my children fully, without constantly seeing in their faces what another baby might have looked like. I am able to receive birth announcements and feel sincere joy for them, and only afterwards a twinge of sadness for what I lost. I am able to deal with the idea that I WILL need some assistance next time in order to carry to term, and that this is just another bodily weakness, to which we are all randomly subjected, and that it does not speak to my ability as a mother.

9 comments:

Bird said...

It sucks when these things happen--when we realize that our lives might not be exactly as we envisioned. I have a friend going through something similar although she's just not able to get pregnant. Docs don't know why, but so far nothing. She's bemoaning all the years she was afraid she'd get pregnant accidentally and turns out. . . it's not that easy.

Do what ever you have to do to heal, and I'm glad that you are feeling better.

d e v a n said...

I'm glad that you're feeling better, or starting to.

Shelly Overlook said...

I am so happy to hear that you are beginning to be able to enjoy life again.

Jill said...

This is exactly how I was feeling when I tried for a year to conceive and had a miscarriage. I felt like my entire life I was led to believe that having babies would be so easy and then bam: reality.
I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'm so glad to hear you're beginning to feel like yourself again.

Astarte said...

I'm so glad that your friend was able to help you!!! I think it's really important to let ourselves feel things, even when they hurt. I mean, that's what life is, and we can learn from everything, even the total crap that befalls us. I hope that you continue to feel better and move forward. Much love.

Billie said...

I am glad that you are feeling better.

Billie

Saly said...

I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you are starting to come out of it.

Mommy Daisy said...

It sounds like you're just following a normal grieving process. I'm glad that you're able to get through it well though.

Jess said...

It's so unfair that something so terrible could happen to you and that instead of being able to grieve it in a simple, straightforward way, it has to be all tied up in these complicated feelings of guilt and all the rest. I'm glad that things are starting to look up for you.