Saturday, May 19, 2007

This Is What Gives Us A Bad Name!

"Heavenly Father, we pray that this one who needs this divine help will write their needs on page two of this letter and will place this blessed, biblical, Acts 19:11,12 Handkerchief and this sealed Bible prophecy under their side of the bed as they sleep tonight.
"Let Thy power from heaven descend upon this home tonight and tomorrow night, after this one has mailed their most pressing needs back to this 56-year-old church ministry. We pray that they will break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. Amen."
So read the back side of an envelope addressed to "Someone connected to this residence." (All bolding and italicizing is as per the original copy.) The front side of the envelope announced, "God's Holy Spirit instructed us to loan you this to start turning things around for you. So, here it is."
Within was further bizarro talk about this amazing, "fifty-six year-old" church ministry (the name of the ministry is never mentioned) which claims that if I only write my needs on this paper handkerchief they have so thoughtfully sent to me, bless it with prayer, and then tuck it under my pillow, that God, like some sort of grown-up Tooth Fairy, will pay special attention to my particular requests. It was truly mystifying. They kept siting this one random Scripture reference which included the words "apron," "handkerchief," and "miracle," claiming it as a direct command to their church's elders to bless and then send out these paper handkerchiefs, thereby in effect offering miraculous prayer-answering power to the world.
The envelope also included a "sealed prophecy," but cautioned me not to open it until the following morning, and then only after having slept upon my prayer-soaked handkerchief. If I dared to scorn the handkerchief, or had an unbelieving spirit, I was instructed to destroy the prophecy still sealed, as it was "of a spiritual nature." Implicit in this command was the sense that I was risking a bolt of lightning to the head if I tempted fate by prematurely tearing into my own personal prophecy!
I immediately did so, of course, all devil-may-care, and found within the most generic "personal" prophecy ever. The statement above the prophecy demanded, "Tell us if this is not you!" And then went on to ask, "Are you facing big decisions? Do you sometimes feel there is a greater purpose for your life than you have yet discovered?"
Come on- who DOESN"T that describe? What kind of a loser would I be if there were literally NO decisions facing me, and I didn't feel there was some sort of purpose I had yet to fulfill? "No, nameless fifty-six-year-old church ministry of handkerchiefs and prophecies, I am CAREFREE right now! Absolutely zero choices facing me, not even what to wear today! And as for unfulfilled purpose? Nah... I'm good! In fact, I plan on living the remainder of my life on this couch eating breakfast cereal out of the box and watching Nick At Night, that's how confident I am that there is literally nothing left that I am meant to do!"
Sadly disappointed in my prophetic destiny, I tossed the papers aside. But then I glanced again and read that, after writing a prayer request on the handkerchief and then, of course, LITERALLY sleeping on said request, I am to send the handkerchief back and I will receive a FREE SPIRITUAL GIFT which will greatly enrich my life! I might just have to do that... I can only imagine what greater mysteries of faith this fifty-six year-old church ministry has to unlock for me!

4 comments:

Mid-Life Momentun said...

You're right! That is what gives us a bad name. But it challenged me to remember the message in church last week about the number of people whose lives we touch and affect. All the "false" things out there make it so much more important for us to lead our lives in such a way that we show there is "truth", in the midst of all the distorted "marketed Godliness" that so easily finds its way into mailboxes, onto our TV screens, etc.

Swistle said...

That is bizarre. BIZARRE.

Blueberry and the Bean said...

had to delurk to say:
ooooh, i got that in the mail too! (i did the same thing with mine)
;)

T with Honey said...

I got this in the mail too. But mine went the way of the numerous pre-approved credit card applications and mortgage refinance offers... right into the shredder.