Friday, February 26, 2010

132 Beats Per Minute

You know what was a little heart wrenching? Having the ultrasound tech yesterday see yet another empty sac where there should have been a tiny nubbin with a heartbeat, and start asking me whether I was SURE about the dates of my last period, and only THEN, when I had gone numb all over and turned to stare at the ceiling, mentioning, "Oh, but there's another sac over here- and there's a heartbeat in this one." All casual-like, as though she hadn't just jerked Jim's and my heart up and down like a yo yo.

And yes, there it was, in between a weird, scar-like patch where she thinks the bleeding came from two weeks ago, and a lumpy, empty sac which presumably was my baby's vanishing twin, was a normal sac with a normal embryo measuring at six weeks four days, and a heartbeat, a heartbeat we even got to HEAR. I thought I would cry, for sure, but after the tech's initial comments about empty sacs and correct dates, I think I had literally steeled myself and was still somewhat in shock throughout the visit. Even once she saw a heartbeat, all I could do was say, "You're sure?" and then stare in disbelief at the snowy image, not trusting my eyes.

The weird thing is, I could have sworn that I saw two sacs even on that initial, five week ultrasound that the doctor did in the office after the bleeding episode. She only referred to one, in which she could see, just barely, a forming fetal pole, but I KNOW I saw two. I even mentioned it to Jim: "I think it might be twins," I voiced uncertainly. "I swear I saw two sacs today. But maybe she didn't want to get my hopes up yet in case it's one of those vanishing twin things?"

It also explains how quickly my tummy popped out, and how especially tender/nauseous/fatigued I've been. Must be some extra hormones in there, if there's still a second sac, so I guess my body still thinks it's having two right now.

Because of the second sac, and the weird "bleed" as they called it on the other side of the viable sac, I'll be getting another ultrasound in two weeks. They also said I could possibly have further bleeding at some point from one or both of these odd factors, but to definitely call and come in if I do. The doctor seemed a little nervous still given these variables, and frankly so am I, and yet... It's a remarkable thing, to see an ultrasound picture on the fridge door again. It's been a long time coming.

31 comments:

Nowheymama said...

Oh, my HEART.

I am so, so happy for you, yet so sorry for the additional emotional stress. Holy crap.

Thinking of you.

Mommy Daisy said...

Wow! What a whirlwind on emotions! I'm glad that there is a little baby with a little baby beating heart! Precious!

Swistle said...

I don't even know what to think, this is such a mix.

Trish said...

WOW Sarah, what a rollercoaster. You are so brave. I am thinking of you and am so thrilled you got to hear the heartbeat!

LoriD said...

I had to hold my breath through that whole first part. Oh my, if only the tech knew what she had done. Glad you got to hear the heartbeat. 132 BPM is good!

Jess said...

Oh, so scary. I'm so sorry for the loss of that vanishing twin, but so glad for you that there is one strong heart in there, beating away.

ttsc said...

wow, congrats! and good luck. I think we've talked before about m/c I know how hard it is to believe things are good after a m/c. Just try to take one day at a time. Today was such a great day! You got to hear the heartbeat yay! Nothing beats the first time you hear the heartbeat...

Marie Green said...

Oh, MY heart did a yo-yo in that first paragraph. I'm am so dead serious about that room of faining chairs.

I'm so glad you still have a little heart, pounding away in there... gracing your fridge.

(I'm rooting for you baby!)

(Also, do you read Kickyboots? SHE just found out that her pregnancy started with two as well.)

Astarte said...

That tech should be ashamed of herself for scaring you like that!!!! Honestly, you would think that people would know better. I'm so thrilled for you that things are going well. Put up that sono pic, girl! We want to see!

bananafana said...

what a roller coaster! I'm so sorry for the additional stress but so happy to hear about that galloping little heart. I love those first ultrasound pictures more than I can even say . . .

Sarah said...

Astarte- Well, I don't have a scanner, and even if I did, the picture is really vague still, you know what I mean? It just kinda looks like a black hole with a shrimp-shaped blob in it. But in two weeks it should be a lot clearer, so I'll try to get that picture up somehow.

Hillary said...

Oh man! I am so happy for you. There is nothing better than that heartbeat.

Jana said...

What a heart-wrenching u/s! I'm so glad you got to hear the heartbeat....I'm convinced that it's the second best sound in the world (next to the cries of a newborn baby, of course).

heather said...

Wow. So happy for your good news yesterday and I'm glad for you that there's a picture on your fridge this time!
I hope at the next visit you can definitely forgo the steeling yourself and the shock and relax a little more and are able to completely enjoy that little heartbeat :)

clueless but hopeful mama said...

OH MY. My heart was going at least 500 beats per minute reading the first part.

Thinking of you (ALL).

d e v a n said...

Oh man, my own heart dropped at first. I'm so glad you saw a little heartbeat. :)

Joanna said...

Yay! Well, ick to the tech, but yay for a beating heart and a fridge photo!

Good Enough Mom said...

Wow...I clearly missed a few episodes here... I hope your fridge gets COVERED in ultrasound photos over the next 33 weeks!

parkingathome said...

Oh god, my stomach was in knots for you. I was saying "no, no no." out loud. Thank god for those beats. You are so strong, I can't imagine that stress. Internet hugs for you

Elizabeth said...

Seriously, doctors blow my mind sometimes. It's really unbelievable the things they will say to people.

But hooray for seeing a heartbeat! There's a baby in there! Woo hoo!

Mimi said...

Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster it was just to read this post, I can't imagine what you were going through during your ultrasound!

So glad for your little heartbeat. Keep it up, baby!

Erica said...

You are so AWFUL for scaring me like that! I almost burst into tears reading this at work. GAH!

Seriously, though, I am SO SO SO glad to hear that things are progressing along as they should be. I know I should be sad that there's not TWO babies in your belleh, but I'm just so happy that ONE baby is growing the way he/she should be.

Michelle said...

Yeah for little heartbeats!

Tracy said...

I'm glad to hear that you got to hear the one heart beat. But, like others have said, its such a mix of feelings. Its still sad if the other sac was indeed a twin. Prayers for you and your babe!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

My heart completely stopped in those first few sentences. I'm so glad you did hear your baby's heartbeat!!!

Erin said...

Oh wow. Oh. I have goosebumps. And right now I am putting out all sorts of positive gestation thoughts toward that baby! Beat, tiny heart, BEAT!

Fine For Now said...

Whew! Keep on beating baby!

CAQuincy said...

Oh my goodness! Someone teach that tech some tact! Gah!

Thinking of you...!

Shelly said...

Gah! Sometimes ultrasound techs are so callous! They should THINK before they SPEAK.

Anyway! I'm so SO glad that things are still going well. Fingers still crossed for you!

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

I want to kick people sometimes. What a crazy day! Glad to hear it ended with good news. (And some sad... what a roller coaster).

Many good pregnancy vibes for you!

Marie Green said...

You're on my mind today... wondering how you are.