132 Beats Per Minute

You know what was a little heart wrenching? Having the ultrasound tech yesterday see yet another empty sac where there should have been a tiny nubbin with a heartbeat, and start asking me whether I was SURE about the dates of my last period, and only THEN, when I had gone numb all over and turned to stare at the ceiling, mentioning, "Oh, but there's another sac over here- and there's a heartbeat in this one." All casual-like, as though she hadn't just jerked Jim's and my heart up and down like a yo yo.

And yes, there it was, in between a weird, scar-like patch where she thinks the bleeding came from two weeks ago, and a lumpy, empty sac which presumably was my baby's vanishing twin, was a normal sac with a normal embryo measuring at six weeks four days, and a heartbeat, a heartbeat we even got to HEAR. I thought I would cry, for sure, but after the tech's initial comments about empty sacs and correct dates, I think I had literally steeled myself and was still somewhat in shock throughout the visit. Even once she saw a heartbeat, all I could do was say, "You're sure?" and then stare in disbelief at the snowy image, not trusting my eyes.

The weird thing is, I could have sworn that I saw two sacs even on that initial, five week ultrasound that the doctor did in the office after the bleeding episode. She only referred to one, in which she could see, just barely, a forming fetal pole, but I KNOW I saw two. I even mentioned it to Jim: "I think it might be twins," I voiced uncertainly. "I swear I saw two sacs today. But maybe she didn't want to get my hopes up yet in case it's one of those vanishing twin things?"

It also explains how quickly my tummy popped out, and how especially tender/nauseous/fatigued I've been. Must be some extra hormones in there, if there's still a second sac, so I guess my body still thinks it's having two right now.

Because of the second sac, and the weird "bleed" as they called it on the other side of the viable sac, I'll be getting another ultrasound in two weeks. They also said I could possibly have further bleeding at some point from one or both of these odd factors, but to definitely call and come in if I do. The doctor seemed a little nervous still given these variables, and frankly so am I, and yet... It's a remarkable thing, to see an ultrasound picture on the fridge door again. It's been a long time coming.