Quick update- My progesterone was 15.70 on Monday. That is... meh. Not fantastic. But I refuse to take any more progesterone supplements, despite being nagged about it from every single person in the doctor's office. I have tried it three stinking times with no success, and I feel like all it ever did for me was drag the process out, since progesterone keeps you from physically miscarrying even if the embryo has already failed. So I get to walk around thinking it's fine when it's not. I'm done with that, especially since there are no conclusive studies to show that progesterone supplements help improve the chances of a declining pregnancy. Even my doctor admitted the truth of that. So.
But on another note, I nearly barfed today; that's always an allegedly good sign, right? Also, craved: (and ate and felt much better for it) cold pizza, Taco Bell, pineapple, and pink lemonade.
Another DEFINITELY good sign is that my hcg draw this morning had reassuring results: it rose from 4300 to 6600 since Monday morning. At first I panicked because it didn't double in forty eight hours, which I thought it was supposed to, but the nurse told me once the levels hit 4000 they don't expect them to double anymore, and that a fifty percent jump was very good. So. Okay.
I took Adelay to her dance class tonight and ran into a friend I hadn't seen for awhile but had heard through the grapevine was pregnant. We were chatting about baby stuff in general (though I didn't reveal my secret) and specifically OB's, when she shocked me by saying, "Yeah, I just love Dr. so and so. She was so great to me through all my miscarriages." Wha? I mean, I'm not best friends with her or anything, but I'm close friends with other people who are close friends with her, so I just kind of thought I would have known if she'd had multiple miscarriages.
Further discussion revealed that she, too, has had three losses and two live births, but her stories were even worse than mine. She's had one early loss, seven weeks along and ultrasound revealed a still empty sac, but the other two were at twelve and sixteen weeks, the part of pregnancy where you start to let your breath out and think you're in the clear. "Yeah," she shrugged. "We just kinda don't tell anyone we're expecting until I'm at least four months along now."
I personally feel the opposite way, after my experiences- for one thing, if I'm feeling sick or needing to procure childcare for frequent doctor's visits or whatever, it's really helpful to have family and friends who KNOW you're pregnant (and nervous) and are eager to help rather than wondering why you keep dumping your kids off, or napping in the middle of the day. And also, while the friend I talked to this evening said that she never wanted to have to tell and then UN-tell people about a coming baby ever again, I feel like sharing this pain helps with the healing. It would feel awful and unnatural to me to be grieving and have to try to mask it when I was around other people. I guess everyone's just different. Um, OBVIOUSLY- scintillating observation, there, Sarah!
But that's just a side topic, there. My main point was, WOW. Here's someone with two kids and three losses, and I had no idea. Another woman chimed into our conversation, too, saying that she'd had a miscarriage before having any live births, and that she was totally blindsided and thought she must be "barren or something." I got to thinking about how many people I KNOW OF who have had at least one miscarriage, and then wondering how many people have that I just DON'T know about. Why don't people talk about this more, so we aren't all so shocked and horrified upon experiencing it ourselves?
I mean, it never crossed my mind, as a young, healthy woman in my twenties, that I would have more than a remote chance of having even one loss, let alone three (and ONLY THREE, KNOCK ON WOOD.) But it happens, and not just to me, and sometimes for no reason that anyone can pinpoint. You just have to keep trying and hoping. Nature is a cruel, fickle beast, but it sure would help if we could at least WARN each other about her ways a little more.
So, PSA! Miscarriage: It's not just for other people! Also, you are not a freak of nature or an inferior woman just because you happen to release a defective egg or your body doesn't like to produce certain hormones. You are just a human being, and subject to the whims of your body like everyone else. And... It sucks. Hang in there. One of these days, we are going to have us a baby, okay?