Thursday, November 19, 2009

What's The Word?

So, not a BOATLOAD of sob stories down on that last post. Maybe there are fewer people with broken hearts than I'd imagined- or maybe not everyone was quite in a rehashing heartbreak kinda mood. Too, maybe we're all better at coping and moving on and finding closure regarding our problems than we give ourselves credit for. For example, I want to clarify that I don't currently feel like I'm walking around with a cracked, bleeding heart. Just one with a still on-the-mend scar, which every now and then smarts a bit.

Like yesterday at the Y, when I ran into an eight months' pregnant friend with a gorgeous, enormous baby-girl-filled belly, and afterwards I had to go into the ladies' room and lean against a stall door taking deep breaths for awhile before I could work out. The stupid thing is that I don't even ENJOY the big, ripe, eight months' pregnant orb of a belly stage very much: the sweet little baby flutters have turned into painful flopping and thrashing which crushes your internal organs and jabs your ribs; you're ten degrees hotter than everyone else no matter what; between trying to get comfortable and the constant need to pee, you're never sleeping more than two hours at a time. Your movements are more like graceless shuffles than strides, thanks to the constant hip and back pain. And for me, the mood swings get pretty bad towards the end. (Um, but it's so worth it, currently pregnant women! Ignore the above! Or, at least know that I'm deeply sympathetic to your suffering. I remember!)

So am I JEALOUS of this hot, uncomfortable friend who, when asked, described herself wearily as "so ready to be done!"? Not exactly. But, I do wonder now if I'm ever going to get that far along with a baby again- you know, where there's an ACTUAL baby on the horizon, and not just the possibility- and so the sight of anyone largely with child occasionally inspires weird feelings that I don't exactly have a word for. Envy and jealousy aren't quite right. Just wistfulness, maybe?

Do you think that will ever go away? I don't want pregnant bellies to make me feel weird. And what if I even feel weird someday about my own pregnant belly? You know what I mean? Will I ever feel like I'm safe- like the BABY is safe and I can stop worrying all the time?

12 comments:

Erica said...

Let's call a spade a spade; being pregnant sucks. The baby at the end of it makes it worth it, though. (You know, until they turn three.)

Anyhow, I'm thinking that maybe for you it's not that you desperately WANT to be pregnant as you desperately want to BE ABLE to be pregnant. For it not to be a Great Big Effing Deal for you to have a baby. Does that make sense?

I could be way off and you're totally overwhelmed with the desire to have another baby. In that case, may I offer you a slightly used three year old girl? You get to skip the uncomfortable pregnancy and painful birth altogether!

Michelle said...

You aren't alone. My *RE* has a front office girl who is about to pop. And even though they've given me the best possible news and hopefully this little one will stay stuck - the site of her belly turns me to tears every single week.

I'm not sure people who deal with infertility as their basic practice should allow ripe pregnant bellies in front of patients. It's discrimination, I know, but it really sucks.

desperate housewife said...

Erica- You're not off base at all. That's pretty much exactly it. I can stand to wait awhile more to be pregnant again, that's fine; I just want, when it's time, for it to not be such a Big Freaking Deal and so fraught with complication and wondering and a complete lack of the magic and joy and whatever that you're supposed to feel when you find out you're pregnant. I just want it to be normal, and it's not going to be, and that's just it. It is what it is, and I don't like it and I'm trying to learn to accept it. The end.

Jana said...

I think wistfulness is the perfect word for it...not a jealousy, per se, just a longing. No words of wisdom from me, though, since I still feel those twinges around pregnant bellies even though we're out of the baby business (which may answer your question regarding whether those feelings ever go away, but that may just be me).

d e v a n said...

Yeah, this post makes a lot of sense. It does suck, but that's not the point.
it's like... I hate sushi and never, ever want it but when I'm pregnant I have fantasies about eating sushi all the time. wth?
(did that make sense to anyone but me?)

Jess said...

My guess would be that it wouldn't go away, exactly, but it would change. It would move a little more into the background. Like most losses. I'm thinking of the uncle I lost when I was 10. I was devastated at the time, and now 15 years later I still feel a sense of loss and sadness but it's not the same.

Swistle said...

I think it was the perspective that made commenting on the last post difficult. I hesitated before mentioning my high school boyfriend heartbreak (and I'm not even sure I DID mention it, now that I'm thinking back---I may have decided not to) in the face of the Miscarriage Heartbreak, which seems so much more REAL AND HORRIBLE to me at this stage of my life than that old teen romance did.

Tracy said...

I don't know that it goes away. For me, even as I sit her 8 mths pregnant and completely uncomfortable, I still have issues with pregnancy announcements. Weird, right? But, its almost as if I am wistfull that I could be so blase about my own pregnancy announcements instead of making the statements that include beta numbers.

Shelly said...

I agree with Jess - the loss doesn't go completely away, but it fades into the background more. I'm a lot more comfortable around pregnancy and pregnant women now than I was after my miscarriage. And I'm fine with waiting to get pregnant again (or even not getting pregnant again), which is a big step.

Katy said...

I think I get this although my circumstances are different. Nine times out of ten I feel fine with the fact that Charlie's can't do the stuff that other people do, but every once in a while something just slaps me in the face. It could be a ridiculously cute family photo, cute hospital pictures that I never got to have, or just some dumb thing on FB about how their kids won't stop talking and that thing, that little, usually not a big-deal thing will just slap me in the face.

Different, but the same. . .

Fine For Now said...

I have all the empathy in the world and yet I can't even say I know, or imagine what you feel like, but if I try to feel like how you probably feel...the probably maybe feeling is really quite awful.

Anonymous said...

Hi i had twins many years ago and i loved every month of it and funny thing, i did not even know till baby one was born that they were twins. enjoy being filled with life. i hope you do not loose any more. a prayer is for you.