Thursday, August 28, 2008

Resigned. Also, Drunk (Ha Ha, Just Kidding! Kind Of!)

After lots of waffling, I ended up calling the doctor's office first thing this morning and begging for another blood draw, just to reassure me that my hcg hadn't, like, leveled off or somehow gone back up or something. I knew this was a remote possibility at best, but I had to know. You can't go in for a procedure like that unless you're completely at rest in your mind, I think.

The doctor got the results rushed, and she called me this afternoon and said that my levels have slowed their descent a bit, but they're still going in the opposite direction that a healthy pregnancy would be. I said in a tiny voice, "But if they're slowing down, does that mean maybe...?" And she said, very kindly, that no, it just meant my hormones were taking their sweet time getting the message to my body to abort, and that if I let things go naturally she guessed it would be another two to four weeks before I'd lose the pregnancy on my own. She was very very kind. I just want to emphasize that. She kept saying things like, "You don't have to do anything at all yet if you're not ready."

But I think I am, now. I just want it done with, so that we can start moving on. My mind is finally coming to grips with the fact that, despite my sore breasts and my fatigue and my irritability, there is in fact no baby causing these symptoms. Just a cruel trick of nature, urging my uterus to cling to something that is no longer there.

So. I will see you on the other side, my friends. After I enjoy this rum and coke, which I've been craving for three solid weeks. (There's always a silver lining, I guess.) Thank you again for all your advise, which was very helpful. I had been planning not to get put out, just ask for a sedative, but after reading some of the comments I think I'm going with general anesthesia. I don't know if I want to be aware of the whole process, anyways, painful or not.

Well. Painful is such a relative term, isn't it?

12 comments:

Kelsey said...

I'm glad your doctor was so kind about things. I think some of them forget that, even though they deal with this kind of situation all the time, it is meaningful for you in a decidedly non-everyday way.

Mimi said...

Good luck, sweetheart. I'll be thinking of you. I don't blame you, I would want it to be over with too.

Erin said...

I obviously have NO IDEA if this goes the same way for everyone, but when I had both my D&C's, they used anesthesia that wasn't general. In other words, they don't have to put the tube down your throat, but you also won't remember anything or be conscious enough to feel anything. It was a relief because the anesthesia part was actually really easy. I really hope it is like that for you.

I am thinking of you. Lots of love...

Mommy Daisy said...

I'm glad that your doctor was able to get another blood draw. I'm sure that it did help. I know I would always wonder if I didn't. No matter what you do, you'll make the right decision. Pray about it, maybe you'll feel more peaceful.

Also, it sounds like you have a great doctor. I'll have to remember to ask you about her. I lost my OB/GYN about a year ago and haven't found a new one yet. But I need to sometime.

Hugs! Enjoy your rum and coke...heck...have another one. ;)

Maggie said...

I'm glad that you are at peace with it - at least as much as you can be. And that you are enjoying that rum and coke!

I had a D&C with no anesthesia and I really didn't think it was that bad. I know that people have done it all sorts of different ways, so hopefully you can find the way that will work best for you.

Swistle said...

I'm really sorry you have to go through this, and I hope it all goes as smoothly and painlessly as such a thing can go. I'll be thinking of you all day tomorrow. Poor sad girl.

Shelly Overlook said...

I'm so glad you have a kind and understanding doctor. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

Erin said...

Wow...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope things go as well as they could possibly go in this situation. You're most definitely in my thoughts.

Erin said...

Wow...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope things go as well as they could possibly go in this situation. You're most definitely in my thoughts.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

Enjoy your rum and coke. Hope all goes well. My thoughts are with you.

LoriD said...

It's so hard to let go of hope, even if it's just a tiny sliver.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping things go as well as they can.

Devan said...

Thinking of you. Sending love.