Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Empty

Sorry it's been so long. I was in Canada over the weekend, on an impromptu girls' weekend with my MIL, SIL, niece, aunt in law, and Adelay. It was really fun; we stayed in my MIl's family cottage on Lake Huron and enjoyed the secluded beach area. Then when it got dark we would have popcorn and watch girly movies until everyone crashed from the long days of playing in the water. I wished we could have stayed longer.

~~~


This morning I had an ultrasound. A gestational dating ultrasound, to be exact. I got a positive pregnancy test about two weeks ago, but since I conceived while I was breastfeeding, they wanted to check on the dates. I should have been seven weeks along today, according to my last period, but what we saw this morning was just a tiny, empty gestational sac, measuring at five weeks. Also, my hormone levels from my initial blood draw weren't where they should have been. They tried to be optimistic, to reassure us that maybe my dates were way off and that I was, in fact, just barely five weeks and it was too early to see an embryo, but I knew as soon as I heard the ultrasound tech's voice.

They did a second blood draw this morning, and called me with the results this afternoon. I was down on my knees, viciously scrubbing behind the toilet to keep my emotions at bay, as they told me that my hcg levels had dropped instead of doubled, and that it seemed I had experienced a missed miscarriage. I could schedule a D and C, or wait to see what happened. I opted for the D and C, since Eli's first birthday party is Sunday. I don't want to risk having to be in the middle of a miscarriage as I cut the cake and take pictures, you know? So I'll go in Friday, and the "products of conception" will be removed. So neat and tidy.


It could have been worse. This is my second miscarriage, but at least both times I never even saw a heartbeat, let alone an embryo. Things always seem to fail very early on. It should be somewhat less wrenching this way. A failed pregnancy, rather than a lost baby. Medically speaking, anyways. But for me, there is always the baby. Looking at the two lines on the positive test, what I see is tiny whorls of dark newborn hair, the fragile, ruddy newborn skin, the tiny bowed legs all curled in their hospital swaddling blanket. What I feel is the weight of its head cradled in my elbow.

45 comments:

Jess said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry. Medically speaking, maybe it was easier, but emotionally it's the same. You write about this so poetically. I hope you have lots of people to love and care for you right now.

Mimi said...

I'm so, so sorry. Things like this are just not easy, no doubt about it. I'm sending good vibes your way!

Banana said...

I'm so sorry.

Elizabeth said...

I am so so sorry.

Duck Hunter said...

:(

kel said...

I'm so very sorry. You know the same thing happened to me in May. And I did hope it would be easier since I never saw a baby, and it wasn't as easy as I wished. Not easy at all.

Marie Green said...

Oh, that's really sad. I feel the weight of a newborn head too, as soon as I get a postive pregnancy test. I'm so sorry!

SLynnRo said...

So sorry. So so sorry.

Jess said...

I love you!

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry. Not many people know this, but we lost a baby at 24 weeks (this was before D). I don't think it is ever easy to lose a baby...whether it be two lines on a pregnancy test or a heartbeat or a baby. ((HUGS))

Jana said...

Oh no....I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

d e v a n said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had a m/c between d & O and it was heartbreaking. I wish I had the words to soothe your heart. Take care and know that we're all thinking of you.

Shelly Overlook said...

I am so very sorry.

jen said...

oh no! :( I am So sorry :(

LoriD said...

I'm so sorry. Life just isn't fair. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

pook said...

Oh, I am so sorry.

Jen said...

I've been a lurker for awhile. De-lurking to give my condolences. I'm soo so sorry to hear that. No matter when or how many times, it never gets easier. Always sucks.

Kelsey said...

I'm so sad for you. *Hugs*

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Ah crap, girl. I'm officially on vacation (and allowing myself the luxury of reading and not commenting) but I just had to say I'm so sorry.

Susie Q said...

I' so very sorry. Small words for such a painful painful time for you. To me it doesn't matter whether it was 5 weeks or 5 months it is still a loss. Maybe not a loss of a beating heart but the loss of a dream. Please be good to yourself right now and take all the time you need to heal

Mommy Daisy said...

Wow, I'm so sorry Sarah! **hugs** This is a sad loss. I know the D & C is a hard decision. My heart is breaking. Please, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out. You know where to find my number. Seriously...anything. So so sorry.

beth said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Bird said...

Oh, sweetheart, I can't imagine that these things are ever easy. I think grief is probably completely appropriate.

I'll say some prayers for you.

susa/n said...

sending you a million and one hugs. it WAS real, and so is how much it hurts. don't feel you have to pretend like it wasn't, no matter how early it happens.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Ami said...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Whimsy said...

Just another faceless one saying the same words over and over, but really it's all we can say - I'm so very sorry. It's as the others have said, as well: please be good to yourself right now.

Saly said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Black Sheeped said...

I'm thinking of you.

Erin said...

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. I feel for you so much. Sending lots of love to you right now...

Nowheymama said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

Tessie said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry.

Maggie said...

Oh I'm so sorry. Early or not, that's hard - really hard.

I'll be thinking of you.

Trishy said...

Sending lots of warm hugs to you...

Hillary said...

I'm so sorry. Take care.

Shelly said...

I'm so, so sorry.

bananafana said...

I'm so so sorry - will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

nonsoccermom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

So so sorry. And "Empty" is a perfect blog title, as it is EXACTLY how it feels (at least it is how *I* felt when it happened to me). I've had three early miscarriages, and early DOES NOT equal easy. You're in my thoughts.

Jill said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. Failed pregnancy or lost baby, it's devestaing either way. You're in my thoughts.

ttsc said...

I am so sorry, as you know I had one last September and right now I am holding my 5 day old baby. I'm sure it will happen again for you soon. And look at the 2 beautiful little ones you have to keep you somewhat distracted.

TheMusingMommy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Lisa said...

Oh Sarah! I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

T with Honey said...

Failed pregnancy. Chemical pregnancy. It doesn't matter what terminology they use once you start dreaming about little chubby baby thighs it still feels like crap when it happens.
*hugs*

Musings of a Mom said...

love you!

Swistle said...

Oh, so sad. I'm so sorry.