Thursday, May 08, 2008

Go Sell Crazy Some Place Else- We're All Stocked Up Here

Ahh. You know that feeling, when you're standing on a kitchen chair, ridding the cereal cupboard of its taunting, antennae-waving intruders using only a paper towel and the force of your own kill-crazy ant hatred? And in between your little girly noises of revulsion and your muttered cursing of the so-called exterminators, you realize that it's possible your little red choo choo has finally chugged around the bend?

Or when you're laying in bed at three in the morning, listening resignedly to the escalating noise in the nursery next door, and you actually start crying a little because it's possible that DYING would feel better than being woken up One. More. Time. in the same sleep cycle?

Or when you're trying to get all the laundry done for another showing and you realize you've processed your single pair of jeans that fit properly through the wash about three times already this week? Who says housekeeping is unfulfilling and just an exercise in futility?!

Or the Schwann man comes to the door, and it dawns on you that he is now inquiring automatically as to your corn dog and frozen pizza status?

Or you're watching P.S. I Love You with your sister and can only summon up the emotional fortitude to throw back your cheap wine and scoff bitterly, "Oh please! That's not a real argument! That's just foreplay." And later, "What is with her schizo outfit? Am I the only one who just finds this girl annoying, and also, a TERRIBLE kisser?" While your less emotionally stunted sister is wiping tears?

Or you blithely volunteer to bring a salad to church for a post funeral dinner, no less, and then just as blithely forget about it until someone calls you to kindly ask if you maybe left the salad somewhere they weren't looking? Cue giant, self-loathing forehead smack. "Um, yes, I left it on the third shelf of my brain, right next to the spot where I like to pile up all my to-do lists and goals for safe keeping while I am otherwise occupied by wiping noses with my sleeve and changing six to eight poopy diapers per day."

Speaking of! Ever have that feeling, as you're scrubbing chewed up dirty diaper remnants out of the carpet for the third time in one week, that it's a good thing you've clung so staunchly to your fear of guns in the home, because if you currently had access to one you can't vouch for what you'd do with it? Fonzie? Do you hear me?

20 comments:

Tessie said...

I have cried when woken up in the middle of the night. Totally. I always feel SO sorry for myself in the middle of the night.

And I am always intensely bitter at movie "arguments", especially in romantic comedies. Please. Where are the f bombs? The screaming into pillows? The "accidentally" kicking each other while getting into bed?

Uh. Or whatever.

Shannon said...

I'm right there with you.

Jess said...

Yeah, romantic comedies are not exactly the best place to turn for realism. Also, I am beyond irrational when someone wakes me up in the middle of the night. Hm. Maybe I shouldn't have kids.

JMC said...

I've also cried after being woken one too many times. And I've cried harder when there's more than one kid waking me up in a night. Just sleep in the puddle, damn it, I cannot get out of bed ONE MORE TIME! (I do not actually make anyone sleep in a puddle, in case anyone is revving up to rant at me.)

But movies and crying? Not so much. Unless a good character DIES. Only death will squeeze a tear out of me. Argument? Break-up? Oh, please. You're talking to someone who knows (after an argument) that when her husband dies, she will have the garage emptied and her car parked in there before his body is warm. Right now it's wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling CRAP. Except for my boxes of books, of course. So tears over an on-screen argument. Not happening.

And I take it you found the dog. :)

artemisia said...

"...that's just foreplay." Well done.

I am sorry you are in a rotten place right now. Carry on. It will get better, it will. It HAS to, right?

d e v a n said...

I have cried in the middle of the night too. Sleep deprivation sucks.

Banana said...

I hate those times when everything is conspiring to suck your soul out through your nostril. But it does always get better. So at least there's that.

Annie said...

I have nothing to add other than this post made me laugh out loud. Especially the part about being woken up in the middle of the night. One. More. Time.

Pickles & Dimes said...

I have cried just from when the CATS woke me up for the 40th time during the middle of the night. You are a much stronger woman than I am.

And I love that your Schwan's man knows your food inventory levels.

Momma Mary said...

Oh. I love those weeks. They make the calm weeks seem like heaven. I feel for you!

Saly said...

I have also cried in the middle of the night--Bud was up every 2 hours for like 4 months and then still woke up avery 4-6 until he was almost 1.

I think it's cool that the Schwans man know what you like. :)

Shelly Overlook said...

I am so with you, friend.

Maggie said...

You are hilarious, although I am sorry that your week is sucking. And I am ALWAYS the only one not crying at emotional movies. The owner of a shriveled, black heart of stone? Look no further, I'm RIGHT HERE.

Musings of a Mom said...

I've definitely cried many times because of loss of sleep. You are much tougher than I am! Don't be hard on yourself, I think as moms we're all soldiers, and crap happens (literally and figuratively), and our job is too clean it up. OK, now that sounds really fatalistic, but I mean sometimes we're in the trenches and sometimes we're on top of the mountain!

andi said...

I hate that your misery makes me laugh. I apologize.

I hear you on every single one of these points. That movie looked terrible, and I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who has one meager pair of jeans that fits her.

Hugs. :)

Swistle said...

Oh, MAN. Middle of night stuff AND poop stuff AND more poop stuff AND pet stuff AND dumb movie stuff AND ants? Girl.

nonsoccermom said...

ugh. That totally sucks, and YES I have ABSOLUTELY cried when awakened in the middle of the night. Many times, in fact. I am not at my best when sorely sleep-deprived.

Astarte said...

Schwan's comes to your DOOR?! Sweet! Send him over here! I love that he knows what you want, because it saves all that time I'd spend trying to think about it.

Oh, I, too, have cried in the night over the babies. Josie was a TERRIBLE baby, just terrible. I used to sob while rocking her in front of the air conditioner and singing Down By The Bay for the millionth time. Ugh.

Susiewearsthepants said...

Sometimes I think I would like to have another baby. Then I venture out into blog land and read about the nights of no sleeping and the endless diaper changing, and I realize that I should count my blessings that my kids are 9 and 16. I may be a tad cynical, but life NEVER goes the way those movies do. I don't think I have ever screwed up and then had some hunky guy, forgive me and then give me a passionate kiss that makes my toes curl. Then we ride off into the sunset living happily ever after

Mommy Daisy said...

Oh Sarah, I think you're a super hero to still have your sanity and write this like it's just a funny story. Man, I love that you about you. You make the worst things laughable.