Saturday, September 22, 2007

Postpartum Post-Its

This post has been slowly composed all week long, in a series of yellow post-its stuck randomly around the kitchen and den. Here for your reading pleasure are snippets from my postpartum haze which I found amusing/horrifying enough to commit to paper.
1. I realized with some alarm that I was laughing out loud, kind of wackily, for an unreasonably long amount of time at one of those "Real Men of Genius" Budweiser radio commercials. There was no one else in the kitchen, mind you. Just me, unshowered and dripping milk, standing there chortling uncontrollably about the Overly Aggressive Touch Football Game Player.
2. I spent an entire day avoiding opening the fridge because every time I saw the pile of leftovers and expired crap that needed cleaned out, it literally overwhelmed me and put me on the verge of tears.
3. On Friday, Adelay's breakfast consisted of strawberries, raisins, and a glass of milk. Guess what she ate? The glass of milk, which she consumed by repeatedly dipping her toothbrush into the cup and sucking the milk from the bristles. I did nothing to stop this, only watched wearily as I sat at the table (what else?) breastfeeeding.
4. Two words: Muffin top. There is muffin top happening everywhere, even when I am not wearing pants. It just sits there, a shelf of fat embracing my hips.
5. I find myself feeling resentful towards people who get to sleep all night. I also feel irrationally angry when people hear that I went to bed at nine, got up every two hours to feed Eli, and then they do a little mental math and say, "Oh, so altogether you got about seven hours of sleep though, huh?" I want to shake them violently while explaining that I could have gotten SEVENTEEN hours of sleep, and if it was broken up every two hours by a hungry baby it still would not provide the same amount of rest that an uninterrupted eight hour night would.
6. On Thursday I fell asleep at the kitchen table while eating lunch. Just fell asleep with my chin propped in my hand. It kind of scared me.
7. One night while sitting up during a feeding, I was literally mesmerized by an informercial for "The Weight Loss Cure." I found myself thinking things like, "Wow, that could work for me! I need to order this book! Maybe I really can drop these twenty extra pounds with no real effort! I just have to read about this miracle fat cure!"
8. My vertigo seems to be returning on and off, in varying degrees of severity. But I notice it only crops up when I am getting really tired. So sometimes I feel myself getting woozy and wonder, "Is it my ear again- or am I actually falling over with exhaustion?"
9. After several weeks of feeding every two hours and sometimes even more than that, I am about ready to take on caffeine as a lover on the side. Unfortunately, Eli's tummy does not tolerate caffeine well at all, which we discovered after about a week and a half of almost constant fussing and gassiness after feedings. So it seems that, in a cruel twist of irony, I am on a temporary caffeine strike just when I need it more than ever before in my life.


Kari & Kijsa said...

Love this-yes, I have also laughed out loud at the real men of genious, only to quickly recover, reminding myself to continue to consume vast quantities of caffiene-filled diet coke, and remember those days of constant feedings and walking into walls!

Swistle said...

Reading this, I was laughing and crying at the same time. This is JUST how it is. EXACTLY.

I wish I could come over and tackle that fridge for you. I'm good at focused projects like that. Cleaning my own entire house? No luck. Cleaning a specific area of someone else's? I'm awesome.

Devan said...

Oh, you described it sooo well. You have my sympathy.

Marie Green said...

You did capture it perfectly here. And when you emerge from "newbornhood" parenting, everything seems like it was a dream, or happening to someone else or something.

No coffee/mt.dew? That IS just Not Right. I shake my fists at the gods. =)

Shannon said...

oohh, I went through this, too!

My remedy, go to Old Navy and buy their Flirt jeans. New clothes make you feel better and it will totally help with the muffin top.

Lisa said...

I love the snippets of your're taking back 12 months for sure:)
Try to eat enough, you may be getting dizzy from constant nursing and not enough to eat.
Yes, I too loved when my co-wokers would complain that they were
so-ooo tired becuase they stayed up late to watch 'Pretty Woman' while I walked around in an exhauseted haze after 8 months of no sleep:)
hang in there:)

Mommy Daisy said...

So accurate. Falling asleep and being scared about it. I remember that. I'd fall asleep in the recliner while nursing in the middle of the night. I'd wake up and not remember anyhthing from the last hour. But the baby was done eating and happily sleeping in my arms. That happened a lot. But it always startled me.

Jess said...

I've never had a child so I can't relate on that level. But I was thinking about the falling asleep thing, and that I can totally relate to. Once I got back from camp when the last night we had been allowed to stay up all night, and my parents had made me lunch, and I literally fell asleep with my face on my plate. And didn't notice.

But hey, those real men of genius commercials are great.

JMC said...

LOVE the real men of genius commercials. And I SO remember the exhaustion. It does get better. Eventually.

T with Honey said...

Having to do without caffeine at the time when you need it the most. That is exactly how I summarized the cruelty that is the infant stage.

Luckily they are just so darned cute that you keep on loving them anyway.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I know and completely GET what you are saying.

Sorry about the caffeine. Cruel, cruel twist of fate.

Bleary-eyed breastfeeder said...

Ok, so I found your blog by googling "muffin top!" I'm five weeks postpartum today and also cannot stand the sight of all around muffin top. In googling to find a cure, I found your blog. Hysterical. I feel your pain, sister. The sleep deprivation is definitely setting in at week five. I almost lost it on my husband yesterday morning when he was lounging lazily in bed while I was dressing my two year old with one hand and breastfeeding my newborn with the other. When I asked him how long he planned on watching me do this he said, "I'm so tired - I was up past midnight last night watching the World Series." Can you imagine??!!!! Anyway - thanks for the laugh and the knowledge that there is somebody out there feeling the same pain I am!! :)