Tuesday, October 06, 2009

What's Wrong With You

I keep waiting to post until I have downloaded all the pictures from Addy's fourth birthday party, but then it turns out the batteries are dead in the camera, and the rechargeable ones aren't holding charge, and I don't have any regular double A batteries anywhere in the house and...

Anyways. I figured I'd better throw something up in the meantime. But unfortunately, all that comes to mind to write about it a little on the, eh, woe is me side. So feel free to skip, but here it is:

I am so. tired. of this miscarriage. At least with the others, I had a d and c, and it was over and done with. The brief hospital stay was a kind of physical and mental closure, and within a few days, the bleeding was completely over. My cycle resumed normally, and I got back to thinking about trying again, or at least about things other than, "When oh when will my stupid hcg levels go down to zero so I can be done with blood draws and waiting, waiting, waiting?"

I took a cheapy pregnancy test on Friday, expecting and hoping for a positive result since that would mean that yes, there was still an elevated hcg level present and therefore yes, it was normal that my cycle hadn't started again. I was getting a little nervous about that, and testing seemed easier than going in again for a blood draw. Of course, it was positive, and while this was the expected result, taking that test was just the dumbest thing I could have done. It was so frustrating to see a positive pregnancy test and feel my emotions zing right to elated, automatically, even though my brain knew that NO, the appropriate reaction would be frustration that this miscarriage isn't complete yet. I had to keep talking and talking to myself, repeating the biological facts of why yes, it was a positive pregnancy test, but no, it did not at all mean that I was pregnant again.

And I'm not, for the record. I went again for a blood draw Monday just to make ABSOLUTELY SURE, and my hcg has dropped to fifteen. Since it has to be at twenty five to show up positive on a pregnancy test, that would mean it's dropping at... what, maybe about four or five points a day? So we're getting close here. Almost over.

Another ouchy thing this weekend happened at the fall festival we took the kids to on Sunday. It was really fun, actually, but then I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for quite a while, and she eyeballed my baggy sweatshirt conspiratorially and asked, "So, is there a little baby in there yet?" When I told that there had been, but that it didn't work out, she exclaimed, "Again? Oh no! But... I thought they had figured out what was wrong with you when they found out about that blood clotting thing?"

I know there's no right reaction when you hear other people's bad news. You're always shocked and sad for them, and you just want to say something to make sense of it, to try to figure it out.

But I just don't like being reminded that there is, indeed, something wrong with me.

*You may (or, more likely, may not) have noticed that at the bottom of my page, where I have tickers to track the kids' ages, I added a ticker for the last miscarriage. I fully realize that this may be slightly morbid, and I know that I won't want it there forever. But for some reason it just felt right to have it for awhile. A way to mark time, but also a way to memorialize, in some small way, the tiny life that was with us so briefly.

16 comments:

Scottish Twins said...

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

parkingathome said...

Oh my god what would make someone think it's okay to say "again?" about a miscarriage!? It's not like you stubbed your toe on the nightstand "again" it's a loss! of a life! God, that's a resonating sentence that just makes me want to deck someone...even if it's a friend. I'm so sorry you had to get that reaction.

Also, I had no idea how long miscarriages drag out, what a heartbreak. I had always assumed miscarriage then it's done like a week later, I'm so sorry you have to go through this hell

d e v a n said...

Ouch on that comment from the friend. :(
I am glad that your level is dropping, albeit sloooowly. ((hug))

Jana said...

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. Big hugs. (And if I could, I'd punch that "friend" in the face for you.)

Swistle said...

This is a terrible miscarriage! Terrible!

Hillary said...

The correct response would have been a simple, "I am so very sorry." Might not have made you feel better, but at least it wouldn't have rubbed salt in a wound. Jeez.

Fine For Now said...

Maybe she thought, "oh she said this, so I can say this..."

Except she could have said that with more tack, of course.

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and for the third time...it's just so wrong, unfair, f-ing crazy, etc, etc, etc :o(

Mommy Daisy said...

You poor thing. I just feel terrible for you! My cousin's wife miscarried about a week before you...for the second time for her. She found out that she has a blood clotting disorder too. Strange! But she was able to do a D&C this time, which she did not do last time. Anyway, I've just known too many people lately with miscarriages (my sister's due date was this week) & fertility problems (including myself) and it just all stinks!

bat7mess said...

Like many things in life, I don't think someone can understand something unless she experiences it herself. It was recently the due date of my first baby, who I miscarried. When I realized the date and mentioned it in passing to someone it was all kinds of awkward (for her, not me). I get the ticker. I hope you heal in every way soon.

Marie Green said...

Oh, man, I'm quite sure that I am one of "those people" that always manages to NOT say the right thing when stumbling upon unexpected news. I just get so... OUTRAGED.

I think the "again" response might come out of my mouth because I am a firm believer that each person should only have to go through so much bull shit in life and three miscarriages is WAY over my set limit. So I'd, in my utter PISSED state, probably say something stupid.

Anyway, you are dealing with everything very eloquently. I actually think the ticker is very fitting and just the "right" way to remember this babe on your blog.

I admire your strength and courage!

Katy said...

Well I'm sure your friend meant well??? Maybe she's like me and doesn't ever know what to say. I find myself uttering "that sucks" WAY more than is appropriate.

I'm sure I've said this before, but there is absolutely no right way to grieve for a child. Grieve however you want and if that includes a ticker than so be it. Not that you need my permission--that's just my garbled way of saying do what heals you.

Shelly said...

Wow, I'm so sorry. Your friend probably did speak before she thought. It IS a terrible response, though. And I'm so sorry that your miscarriage is dragging on so long. That has got to be hell.

Pickles and Dimes said...

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry your friend's comment was so insensitive.

I think it's totally OK to have that ticker on the page. It's a life, you know? You should honor it any way you choose.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Statements like that are so hard because you know she didn't mean to hurt your feelings but still.... OUCH.

I hope you continue to share your story. Not enough women talk about this and I imagine it's such a lonely thing. (My friend Jess edited a book of essays on miscarriage called "About What Was Lost" http://www.amazon.com/About-What-Was-Lost-Miscarriage/dp/0452287995 If you like to read your way out of darkness like I do, perhaps something like that book would help?)

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

*hugs* seriously, woman, you are incredible. Miscarriage sucks, big time, no matter what.

It's not fair the first time... and it's even less fair that it happens more than once to any one person. (Been there, experienced the suckitude).

Day by day...

Chinablue said...

My heart goes out to you -- especially after that comment from a friend. I know somebody who went through two miscarriages, and then went on to have a second child after that. I think it takes great courage to hang in there, and hope again.

I have just started a blog -- http://from-pillar-to-post.blogspot.com/ ---- and find it carthartic to write about what pains me most -- and especially since I can't really confide in anyone about what is bothering me at present.

I think hormone levels do take time to stabilise -- my friend told me once before, up to a month. So hang in there.