Thursday, October 29, 2009

Catching Up On My Correspondence

Dear Trick or Treaters,

I'm very sorry, but there will likely be no candy at our house tonight because it is currently in a feed bag around my neck. The odds of there being any KitKats or Reese's Cups left for any of you by seven PM are not looking good. For this bit of tough luck you can thank the fact that there have already been three pee accidents here this morning, one requiring a sheet change and another involving the careful soaking of Addy's crepe-like Cinderella costume which must be clean and dry by tonight. And hopefully unscathed by the washer. The accidents above also BOTH required baths. Oh, and I had to throw towels on the floor instead of bath mats because the bath mat was in the dryer from having been peed on YESTERDAY morning by Eli, right after HE peed his bed.

Also, did I mention yet that I have the flu (no not SWINE) and that, while I was initialing feeling better this morning, I have gone rapidly downhill again? A downward spiral which was MAYBE triggered by the sight, immediately following the third pee incident, of a steaming pile of dog vomit in the den? And a retching dog, who, when hastily let out the back door, proceeded to flee from the yard (HOPEFULLY TO HIS DEATH)?

Yours Sincerely,
Feels (and looks) Like Death Warmed Over

Relatedly:

Dear Parents of these kids and Owners of this house,

Please come and relieve me of my duties, which are beginning to seriously bite. Your daughter needs to learn how to speak to adults in a tone other than the one used in olden times to address the servant responsible for emptying the chamber pot. And also how to handle having her hair washed without gasping and screaming as though she's being water boarded.

Your son has begun demanding dessert after every feeding, including snacks. He also seems to think my sleeve is his personal handkerchief, and worst of all, he keeps stealing all my good snacks. Just snatches them right out of my hand!

You guys need a housekeeper, too. This place is starting to reek of dog and diapers, and I keep finding grubby fingerprints all over the place. AND I can't use the washing machine because it is constantly filled with soaking, pee covered clothes, bedspreads, and rugs. WTH? Get with the program- you're almost out of towels, and my one pair of jeans that fits properly has been waiting to get washed for three days.

I will be upping my price to twenty dollars per hour as of today, and I would like hazard pay as well for any situation requiring me to come into contact with bodily fluids, as you keep forgetting to purchase latex gloves for my use.

Yours Sincerely,
Not Mary Poppins

14 comments:

Scottish Twins said...

Well, you have to be feeling a little better if you can handle all that candy, right?!

I hope things calm down around there and everyone else stays flu-free.

Let me know if I can do anything (bring you dinner or at least a good dessert)!

Mimi said...

The pee! The dog vomit! Sounds like my house. I'm sorry you're sick on top of it all. Get well soon!

d e v a n said...

urgh!!!! Hilarious but AWFUL! I'm sorry!
Also - why trick or treating on the 29th?

desperate housewife said...

Devan: in our town trick or treat is always the Thursday night before Halloween. I'm not sure why- maybe something about adult parties on the actual night of Halloween and the drunk driving that sometimes results?

Jess said...

I find the snatching of the good snacks straight out of your hand to be hilarious.

Sorry you're sick! Feel better soon!

Fran said...

My own children's bodily fluids I can usually handle, but dog vomit gets me every time! Hope you feel better in time for trick-or-treating

Swistle said...

Oh I do love these.

Suburban Princess said...

Oh dear!!! Feel better soon!

CAQuincy said...

Oh no!

In sympathy, I shall eat this whole bag of Milano's I picked up at the store. They are pink for Breast Cancer, so that makes it a DOUBLE good cause, right?

Hope the crazies stop soon!

Marie Green said...

Woman! You made me panic with all the "trick-or-treating tonight" talk. Whew! It's not the 31st after all!

Also, you seem to be so good at these correspondence, could you please write a letter to the family that lives in this house? Actually, it could be nearly identical to the one you wrote for your house.

Thanks so much!

Shelly said...

Dude, when you find the parents of those children/ owners of that house, can you locate the parents/ owners of mine? They have been missing FOREVER!

Jana said...

So sorry you're feeling icky. :( But if anyone has an excuse to eat all of the Halloween candy, it is most definitely you. Eat up!

Erin said...

"Feed bag around my neck..." HEE!

SO sorry about the pukey flu. Sounds awful. Awful!

Mommy Daisy said...

So funny. Love the second letter. Ha ha ha!