Friday, March 21, 2008

Sex and the City- Banished Boyfriends Edition

Because of some people in my life who are still in the, shall we say, choosing period of their lives (making decisions about school, work, dating, moving, dating, changing schools, DATING, and so on) I've been thinking a lot lately about when it's time to say goodbye to your guy. When do you pull the plug on a relationship that you've had concerns about for quite awhile? What is the straw that breaks the camel's back?
(Side note: Don't anyone go taking anything personally here, or think that I'm talking about YOU and how YOU should or shouldn't have broken up with someone. This post is a CULMINATION of lots of events and conversations. This is about curiosity, not passing judgement.)
My question for you, oh internets, is this: Historically speaking, what is the longest amount of time you've spent with a guy that you knew (or at least suspected) wasn't the One? What's the most time you've wasted with a guy who treated you badly, or at least not well enough? About whom you cried a lot more than you smiled? And what was it that let you know you weren't working as a couple?
For me, I think it was about six months wasted. And what finally got through to me was the fact that he just didn't love me enough. I went through all kinds of crap with his family thinking eventually, eventually he was going to be on MY side and grow up and decide that I mattered more to him than they did. And one day I realized, pretty suddenly, that it just wasn't going to happen. Not then, and not if I gave it another six months of arguments and crying and sneaking around. I was giving and not getting back, and I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, emotionally. I just had nothing left to give to him in terms of patience and understanding and support, unless I got something BACK to replenish my own reserve.
What's your story?

17 comments:

Tessie said...

Over a year, for sure. The guy was perfectly nice and would have made an excellent spouse (for someone), but his family was INSANE, he was one of those irritating rich people who THINKS they grew up poor, and we disagreed on MANY, MANY fundamental issues like religion and politics and such.

The distinction between that relationship and THIS one being that BR's and my differences are PERSONALITY-related. We have similar backgrounds and worldviews and goals and political leanings and such.

Anyway, the Ex BF was a great guy and treated me so well that I just couldn't do it. He even moved to be with me, and then of course I was all Nervous Tummied and GAH.

bananafana said...

About 6 months. with one guy it was because we had so much FUN. I knew I'd never marry this guy but we were a really happy couple that really enjoyed being together. we finally pulled the plug when I moved for the summer for a summer job - what's the point of staying "committed" to someone you're not actually committed to? the other guy it was guilt and nerves - he was an unstable wreck and I didn't know how to break up with him.
I never bothered wasting time with anyone that didn't make me feel good or treated me badly - those guys never made it through the door

SLynnRo said...

Not long. I'm kind of harsh like that. I also wasn't to big on long term relationships before Aaron.

Banana said...

Embarrassingly, a very long time. My boyfriend before TM was definitely not the right one for me, but I had a hard time seeing it. I loved him and we had fun together and we were in our early 20's, so there's THAT. It's not that is did anything outstandingly bad to me, but he never really listened to me, or attempted to understand my side of life. He dumbed my in my senior year of college (and we lived together = total suck). I was dumbfounded and didn't see it coming at all. I was heartbroken for a long time, but it was the best thing he could have done. Without him in my life I focused on growing up and becoming who I wanted to be. And then almost exactly a year later I met TM.

Banana said...

oh, dreaded typo- that Dumped me. He didn't dumbed.

Mommy Daisy said...

I find this an interesting discussing, but I'm sorry I can't add to it. Matt and I started dating young, then we got engaged, and finally married. And that leads us to today. Boring, no?

jess said...

Over a year. It was the guy I was with prior to meeting Adam. I thought I loved him, but looking back he was such a douschebag, and I totally knew it. I was just so into the idea of being in love, that I wanted it to work, and I put up with way more than any sane woman would. He totally used me. I knew this two months into the relationship. He was just so darn cute, that I couldn't end the relationship. Looking back, I was so pathetic. If I ever knew anyone that acted the way I did (showing up at his beck and call to "hang out") I would shake them and tell them to have a little more self-respect. I wish I had that time of my life back to give to my husband. If only we would have met a few years earlier. :)

Swistle said...

I dated a fun, stupid jerk for a couple of years in high school. I knew I had to get out of it, but I didn't know if I'd be able to: I really, really liked him.

I dated and then married someone whose ideas about life were so different from mine, I don't know what EITHER of us were thinking. I mean, we both knew it! We TALKED about it! But I think we thought we were SO MATURE we could make it work anyway.

Chelle said...

This is horrifying to admit but, yeah...six years.

Seriously.

In my defense, he only truly sucked for the last two years; prior to that he was a Very Good Boyfriend.

As for the reason for our eventual demise, I blame our youth and, you know, his stupidity.

Erica said...

I also have to admit to a Very Long Time. The relationship lasted seven years and I wanted out by year five. It took two years to get up the courage to leave.

We started dating when I was 19, so I never knew anything about being an adult on my own. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. Especially because I was the only one who wanted out of the relationship.

Lisa said...

Too long...wasted more than half of my highschool years on the wrong guy. I was naive and now totally regret it, I wouldn't do it again if I could go back.
I have to add that my husband had his monments in college where I questioned whether staying together was the right thing, back then he had a lot of growing up to do and wasn't the man he is today, so our realtionship wasn't all 'fairytale' from the get go but I'm so glad that we stayed together. I believed in his potential and always knew that he was an amazing peson though, I couldn't image a life with anyone else.

Bird said...

I guess I'm a brutal beotch or something because six months is my max. And he was a nice guy--he just wasn't "the one." I'm evil I tell you.

Jill said...

For me, I always figured once I didn't think it would work long term (ie marriage) then that was it. I was dating a guy while I was abroad in college, and I think I realized it wouldn't work when he came to visit in March and then we broke up in May? So a couple of months, I guess? This is such a great topic, because one of my best friends has a totally different view on this than I do. She dated a guy for three years, and she knew for at least two that they would never get married. I think part of the realization came when he *never once* said he loved her. Even after she'd said it. So yeah, I think for some people it doesn't so much matter if they see a future, so long as it's working for now, but I was certainly never that way.
Also hi! I don't think I've commented here before, but I've been reading you for awhile. I think I found you from Swistle. Hi Swistle!

CAQuincy said...

The longest relationship I was in prior to my husband was eight months--and I wanted out by month six. I just dawned on me one day that I honestly did not want to marry him.

I made several stupid relationship mistakes after that one, but none lasted more than a few months.

Maggie said...

I was engaged, and I don't know how long it was that I knew it wasn't right and stayed. But I'm willing to bet it was a long time...I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I woke up one day and realized that I was going to have to be the one to walk away, because he never would.

It was horrible. And it was the right thing to do.

I don't think that there was one straw that broke the camel's back though, because I did love him very much. It just (in my case) wasn't enough.

Astarte said...

Ooh... I lost three precious years on that Idiot. We were in college, and I've always been kind of a serial-relationship kind of girl, probably looking for something I never saw growing up, and doing it all wrong because I had no idea what the hell I was trying to do! We started dating freshman year, and by the second year things were really rough, with us breaking up and getting back together. He cheated on me once, and I forgave him, but then he did it again, WHILE I WAS SLEEPING DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BED, and a mutual friend was waiting for me when I woke up to tell me what was going on. That was the end of that. I know he had bought me a ring at one point, and I actually got up the courage to tell him not to ask me because I wasn't ready. I should have broken it off then and there, but no. It was a big day for me when I realized that I had been with DH longer than that idiot.

Jess said...

I would say either no time or five months, depending on how you look at it. The only person I've ever dated who I thought I would marry is the person I'm marrying. I've had serious relationships before but never thought we'd get married, per se. I always felt like I was young and marriage was something that could potentially happen later. I was more interested in having fun and being in love at that moment than in wondering if we could be together forever.

But you could also say five months, because that's the amount of time I spent with my Senegalese boyfriend, both of us knowing that the relationship would end once I moved back to the US, but not wanting to split up until then.