Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Okay, so everyone's familiar with PMS, right? You're a little cranky, a little moody, a little hungry, a little weepy maybe. You feel fat and your skin is yucky. Perhaps someone says something innocuous to you and you take it the wrong way and feel sad.

Now. Maximize that by about ten. You're so cranky that by about two PM every day you have to literally remove yourself from the same room as your toddler so that you're not yelling and slamming things in frustration. You're so hungry that you're wearing a hand mark on the refrigerator door with all your constant searching for another snack. You're so tired that you sit down on the couch for a minute and the next thing you know it's two hours later.

You're so moody and sensitive and strung out that a week ago, you were excited at the prospect of another baby, but this week, a few terse exchanges with your husband has you convinced that you couldn't possibly have another baby right now because it would be crazy and irresponsible to bring another child into such an obviously STRESSFUL and STRUGGLING marriage. And you're so FAT and your hair is so gross, you wouldn't blame him if he didn't love you anymore.

Plus, you know, you're obviously a terrible mother who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce again: look at your current kids, yelling and climbing the walls and kicking their feet angrily against the rungs of the time-out chair in which they've seemingly spent half the day... Someone's going to come take your children away from you if these kids let loose with one more blood curdling scream while the windows are open. But actually, if either of these kids lets loose with one more pee accident on the bathroom rug, you're going to be BEGGING someone to come take them away, so it's all right.

Later, you're at dinner with your family, and spend about an hour ruminating with your brother and sister in law about the futility of life, marriage, and motherhood, making bitter, depressing comments and staring broodingly into your wine glass. (Yes, that's right, this package deal of good humor, wit and comedy is available for dinner parties! Call early to ensure availability!)

And then, a few days later, you begin thinking, "This is weird. I'm SO hungry and SO tired. This can't just be PMS. I'm so EMOTIONAL!" Then your period is maybe, say, two whole days late and then you maybe, say, buy a three pack of pregnancy tests and start weepily trying to plan how you will tell people about this baby. While eating chocolate chip cookie dough pop tarts because you are so hungry again.

Um, and then you get home from the store and you don't actually need those tests after all. Because there's no little baby in your uterus. There's just a large CRAZY woman who's crawled under your skin for a few days uninvited. Whee!

Anyone know if there's such a thing as premenstrual psychosis?

17 comments:

d e v a n said...

I'm sorry - I do know exactly what that's like - but the way you posted it made me laugh and laugh. You definitely have a way with words. And I hope you're feeling better!

Anonymous said...

Do you know why PMS is called PMS?

Mad Cow Disease was taken.

Hope that made you laugh. Much love from a fellow sufferer.

Swistle said...

SOOOOOOOOO funny!!

Scottish Twins said...

You crack me up.

Mimi said...

You are funny. And this is so true!

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Very funny!

Jess said...

Oh, suckage! But I'm distracted by the existence of chocolate chip cookie dough pop tarts. How did I not know about those?

Michelle said...

Oh, I'm sorry. At least you can write a funny, entertaining post about it :) I've been there. We've all been there.

Mommy Daisy said...

Pre-menstral or not, I have days/weeks like this once in a while. It sucks, but I think it's just part of being a woman. Stupid growing up and being an adult!

Hope it gets better for you.

Bird said...

sounds rough. What's pmdd--isn't that like PMS on steroids?

Bird said...

And also. . . you describe the push-pull craziness soooo well.

CAQuincy said...

Wow. It's like you're in my head--or at least on the same cycle.

Take a deep breath--and then go punch a pillow or something...(preferably NOT your poor husband!)

Brilliant!

Shelly said...

This is awesome. What a great description of PMS.

Hillary said...

Yes yes yes. I'm laughing with you, because if you can't laugh, it'll be permanent psychosis, you know.

Astarte said...

That's TOTALLY what it's like!!! Man, if I'm not sleeping, I'm bitching about the kids with my mouth full.

When I was younger, not once, but TWICE I got my period WHILE using the pee stick.

RachelAnn said...

Hahaha Clint and I just read it together and I think he got scared : )

clueless but hopeful mama said...

NO ONE makes me laugh at horrible tales of woe like you do.

This is all just so true.