Kitchen. Stop getting so gd filthy every day, defying my nightly scrubbing. You are sapping my will to live. (Floor beneath high chair, I am looking at YOU.)
Head. Stop aching constantly, for no conceivable reason, and in spite of all the water drinking I am doing to help you out even though I don't really enjoy chugging water. You are making me worried. And cranky.
Hair. Please PLEASE stop being so frizzy and dry and unmanageable. I only wash you every other day, I rarely use a hot iron to tame you, and I recently got about five pounds of you thinned out. I lavishly apply expensive condition and even let it SOAK instead of rinsing immediately. So just give in, okay? Lay down and relax for awhile.
Hands. Stop cracking and splitting around my fingertips, causing me no small amount of pain during totally routine activities such as opening car doors and zipping coats. Your delicate, fragile act is getting real old. You'd better toughen up, because all that dish scrubbing and hand washing? It's not going away any time soon. Deal, my friends.
Coffee. Also, Wine. Thank you, my friends. Many thanks. My gratitude to you is immeasurable, and my reluctance to give you up (see, ttc next month) is not insignificant.