As the carefully chosen cycle approaches when we will begin trying again for Baby #3, I have found myself growing more and more apprehensive and thinking of more and more reasons why I'm not ready yet. The den still isn't quite done, and how will I handle the stress of construction while on Clomid and feeling extra hormonal and stressed out already? Or while pregnant and cranky and exhausted? And speaking of exhausted, how will I EVER nap with two little kids around all day? Especially since one of said children's idea of a nap is now to merely lay in Mom and Dad's bed watching The Diamond Castle and reading books and singing and then popping up OUT of bed about twenty minutes later looking for Mom MOM MOM! I mean, I well remember the I've-been-run-over-by-a-truck, I-would-sell-my-soul-for-another-hour-of-sleep kind of exhaustion that pregnancy brings, and let's just say I'm not getting any EXCESS of sleep here as it is, so this fear of tiredness is way up there on my list.
Another fear is running out of space and then not having the money to add on (since moving is definitely tabled until the market gets WAY better.) Fear of lines at the bathroom and no storage space for clothes and a cramped kitchen while I'm trying to cook- all those little things that are manageable, sure, but on bad days can kind of eat away at your happiness.
Then yesterday in church, the message was about letting go of fears that are holding you back and giving freely of yourself in whatever it is that you are called. I didn't hear an audible voice or anything, but I felt a little nudge in my heart that this message was for me regarding the area of our family. I KNOW that we want a large family, I KNOW that I am emotionally ready for another baby, and I KNOW that we can afford it, though it may mean less eating out and more buying of generic brands in bulk and that sort of thing. But I FEEL afraid. So I prayed that if this was a message to me, telling me to release those fears and go ahead as planned with baby making, then to please let there be some clear signals in the coming days.
Well, today I picked up my friend's daughter for her after school, something we had discussed last week, so that she could go to a job interview. Her daughter is eleven, and her school is literally about a minute from our house. The afternoon went really nicely; Breanna had a snack with the kids, and then asked if there was anything she could help with. I told her I was going to put a dessert in the oven and then try to get some cleaning done while the kids were playing in the living room. She mentioned that she loved baking, and I was all, "Hey! I HATE baking! How 'bout you follow this recipe right here and I'll go change sheets and empty trash cans?" And she did! And it was awesome! There was blueberry cobbler for snack tonight, and I never had to stir or mix or clean up a thing!
When her mom arrived, she told me excitedly that she had gotten the job. However, she was now going to need someone to pick up Breanna and keep her after school until five thirty or so, three days a week. That someone will be ME, and I couldn't be happier. Breanna is great with the kids and says she wants "babysitting experience," and she loves to cook, which is my least favorite thing to do! So basically, I'm helping them out, and in return I'm getting a free mother's helper, more or less. I mean, I'm not going to use her for slave labor or anything, but I can definitely see the possibility of, say, a few months down the road when I'm presumably pregnant and tired, actually getting those afternoon NAPS! And she could go with me on errands and help corral the kids, and... Yay! (I will make sure she has peace and quiet to do her homework when needed, too, rest assured.) So it seems one of my fears is, if not entirely put to rest, at least quieted.
Then also today, my husband's friend from out of town who is a contractor called to let him know that he has the end of the week off work, and he would like to come stay with us and help Jim until the den is finished! Which means, by next week, the den will actually, really and truly be DONE! Even though this probably puts a dent in any Valentine's Day plans, this feels like the best gift anyone could give me. Now it will definitely all be back to normal around here before I get pregnant. I could just about cry with relief. Plus, we won't have to pay anyone (since the guy says he won't accept it) and Jim and his friend will get a chance to reconnect and spend time together! This is SO awesome! Check another worry off my list.
So, are these the signs I was looking for? Maybe, and maybe also just coincidence. But it's good enough for me.