Here Goes Nothing

Gulp. Am about to take first dose of Clomid. Oh God, please not quadruplets, please not quadruplets, please not quadruplets...

Also, yes, I have noticed that my last three posts are more like Twitters. Son is still acting OFF, daughter hasn't napped for a week, and husband is deathly ill now, too. I have to prioritize. So that I can remember to take my FERTILITY DRUGS. GAAAH!

Sometimes They Are Cute

There are illness and tantrums, yes, but there is THIS to counteract them.

The Maniacal Laughter Is Coming From My House

So, as of two AM today, Eli is TOO sick!

Suck it, Dr. Useless.

Free To Good Home (Only One Is Housebroken)

Wow, the kids are making me all KINDS of crazy today. Eli has been so screamy and obnoxious and unsleepy and unhungry and weird lately that I finally gave in and made him a doctor's appointment today, thinking he might have an ear infection. First, though, I had to go to the Y, feed the kids, shower, and pick up Breanna from school. Eli decided to have multiple throw himself on the floor, fling his head against the concrete and scream kind of fits when I went to pick the kids up from the childcare, because he has gone from loathing the daycare when he was an infant to loving it so much that he is now loathe to LEAVE it. The daycare worker shook her head in wonderment. "He is awfully angry lately, hmm?" Indeed.

I got home, then found three free Happy Meal or Extra Value Meal coupons to McDonalds in the mailbox (courtesy of Jim emailing corporate and complaining about not getting the correct food the last time we went, which to me seemed a bit... well, it got me free food, so I guess I can't complain.) Now, I KNEW Eli was already coming a bit unglued, but I was exhausted from wrestling him all the way from the basement daycare to the car half a mile away, and a quick easy meal sounded wonderful. So I pulled back out of the driveway and went to the nearby McDonalds. I only drove through, so it didn't add THAT much time to our total car trip, but Eli was a mess by the time I got us home.

I fed them, scarfed my own food, and took a quick shower, then put Eli down for a short nap before we had to leave again for Breanna. He only got about a half hour of sleep though, so by the time we picked her up and headed for the doctor's, he was grumpy again. By the time we got OUT of the doctor's, he was beyond grumpy. Breanna said that she could hear both kids yelling and clambering around the entire half hour she was waiting for us. What she couldn't see was that they were playing crazy circus games of crawling behind and under the exam table, trying to rip the blood pressure cuff off the wall, and throwing the little wheeled doctor's chair back and forth across the room. I was literally just running around like a crazy person, trying to restrain one child while the other wriggled away from me to find more (loud, embarrassing) mischief to get into. I was hissing and issuing threats and trying to enforce time-outs on my lap and just generally flailing around uselessly. Also, Eli chose that time to have a giant poo and of course I had left the diaper bag in the car. So imagine all of the mayhem PLUS bonus Lysol and Feces aroma.

By the time we got out of there (leaving rolls of shredded tissue-y exam table covering paper in our wake,) the doctor had sympathetically patted my shoulder no less than three times. Also, did I mention that in order to get Eli's weight, I finally had to get on the scale WITH him, then be weighed alone, to subtract the difference? Nothing like unexpectedly getting weighed when you've just eaten salty fast food and are bloated and PMS-y.

Anyways, he's still screaming. And flinging food and toys and himself all over the place. Even though he DOESN'T have an ear infection, or any other sort of malady. Well, other than being an infant. Glad we got to pay seventy dollars (thanks for changing our insurance, husband's workplace!) to find that out.

A Birth Story Of Sorts

Yes, the room is done at last. Well, SUPER close. I still need to get something on the windows (ideas are welcome!) and there are a couple pieces of trim that we have to buy and stain, to fill in the spots where Jim tore out the old radiators. But we went ahead and put everything back anyways, because SOMEONE was getting mighty impatient to have the dusty love seat out of the KITCHEN. Ahem.

It was not done on Monday after all, or Tuesday or Wednesday either. Got CLOSE on Thursday. And finally finished Friday. But it was worth the wait. I should really have taken more before pictures of the room, what with the water-stained ceiling tiles such as you might see in a dingy middle school cafeteria, the paneled walls and the narrow doorway that I could barely fit through when pregnant. The knocking out of the dividing wall was probably the best part of the whole project. Made the kitchen AND the den look so much bigger.




The wreckage that was our kitchen. Also, though you can't see it in the picture, imagine every single solitary thing in this room covered in a quarter inch of plaster dust.



The doorway being mudded. And sanded, and r-emudded, and re-sanded. Lather, rinse, repeat.



Jim and his friend Jamie working on the inside of the door. That plastic sheet did little to keep the dust at bay. And then at last, drum roll please....



Finished product. The red turned out nice, huh?



Desk area. I probably should have hidden all the cords a little better. Also, there at the floor you can see where it still needs trimmed up. But still. Vast improvement on old desk area.



More couch area.



This is where it steps up to the kitchen. I was going to take pictures from the desk area looking into the kitchen from the den, so you'd get the full effect of the new and improved wide doorway. But alas, the rest of our house is still a WEE bit untidy and disorganized, and I was too excited to post these pictures to wait until I got the whole kitchen cleaned. So those will follow in about a YEAR when I finally get the floor clean! Until then, I'll be busy lying around on the couch staring in disbelieving wonder at the gorgeous room that has somehow landed in our yucky old den!

Young At Heart

I find I am very childish about some things. Last night, I was so excited about the work going on in the den that I genuinely COULD NOT sleep despite physical exhaustion (and a glass of wine,) and the feeling was very reminiscent of Christmas Eve Jitters such as I recall getting when I was SEVEN YEARS OLD. Slightly embarrassing.

On the other hand, it's kind of fun to be that sort of a person. Difficult, given that it also means I'm highly impatient (hello, another reason that pregnancy sucks for me,) but fun because I still get pretty genuinely whipped up and giddy about lots of things. Not Christmas anymore, sadly, since it now involves a lot of WORK, but about birthdays and vacations and babies (BABIES!) and other people's new pets and most of all HOME IMPROVEMENTS. Last night, when I saw how much progress the guys had made in just one evening, I had to restrain myself from hugging them both and/or jumping up and down. In actual fact, I may have jumped a little. More of a bounce, really, though. Hardly noticeable.

So anyhoo, they say it'll be done by tomorrow night. Painted and trimmed and everything. I'm thinking Saturday we'll get everything moved back in and cleaned up, and then by Monday we'll be all ready for a nice President's Day party!

A Sign

As the carefully chosen cycle approaches when we will begin trying again for Baby #3, I have found myself growing more and more apprehensive and thinking of more and more reasons why I'm not ready yet. The den still isn't quite done, and how will I handle the stress of construction while on Clomid and feeling extra hormonal and stressed out already? Or while pregnant and cranky and exhausted? And speaking of exhausted, how will I EVER nap with two little kids around all day? Especially since one of said children's idea of a nap is now to merely lay in Mom and Dad's bed watching The Diamond Castle and reading books and singing and then popping up OUT of bed about twenty minutes later looking for Mom MOM MOM! I mean, I well remember the I've-been-run-over-by-a-truck, I-would-sell-my-soul-for-another-hour-of-sleep kind of exhaustion that pregnancy brings, and let's just say I'm not getting any EXCESS of sleep here as it is, so this fear of tiredness is way up there on my list.

Another fear is running out of space and then not having the money to add on (since moving is definitely tabled until the market gets WAY better.) Fear of lines at the bathroom and no storage space for clothes and a cramped kitchen while I'm trying to cook- all those little things that are manageable, sure, but on bad days can kind of eat away at your happiness.

Then yesterday in church, the message was about letting go of fears that are holding you back and giving freely of yourself in whatever it is that you are called. I didn't hear an audible voice or anything, but I felt a little nudge in my heart that this message was for me regarding the area of our family. I KNOW that we want a large family, I KNOW that I am emotionally ready for another baby, and I KNOW that we can afford it, though it may mean less eating out and more buying of generic brands in bulk and that sort of thing. But I FEEL afraid. So I prayed that if this was a message to me, telling me to release those fears and go ahead as planned with baby making, then to please let there be some clear signals in the coming days.

Well, today I picked up my friend's daughter for her after school, something we had discussed last week, so that she could go to a job interview. Her daughter is eleven, and her school is literally about a minute from our house. The afternoon went really nicely; Breanna had a snack with the kids, and then asked if there was anything she could help with. I told her I was going to put a dessert in the oven and then try to get some cleaning done while the kids were playing in the living room. She mentioned that she loved baking, and I was all, "Hey! I HATE baking! How 'bout you follow this recipe right here and I'll go change sheets and empty trash cans?" And she did! And it was awesome! There was blueberry cobbler for snack tonight, and I never had to stir or mix or clean up a thing!

When her mom arrived, she told me excitedly that she had gotten the job. However, she was now going to need someone to pick up Breanna and keep her after school until five thirty or so, three days a week. That someone will be ME, and I couldn't be happier. Breanna is great with the kids and says she wants "babysitting experience," and she loves to cook, which is my least favorite thing to do! So basically, I'm helping them out, and in return I'm getting a free mother's helper, more or less. I mean, I'm not going to use her for slave labor or anything, but I can definitely see the possibility of, say, a few months down the road when I'm presumably pregnant and tired, actually getting those afternoon NAPS! And she could go with me on errands and help corral the kids, and... Yay! (I will make sure she has peace and quiet to do her homework when needed, too, rest assured.) So it seems one of my fears is, if not entirely put to rest, at least quieted.

Then also today, my husband's friend from out of town who is a contractor called to let him know that he has the end of the week off work, and he would like to come stay with us and help Jim until the den is finished! Which means, by next week, the den will actually, really and truly be DONE! Even though this probably puts a dent in any Valentine's Day plans, this feels like the best gift anyone could give me. Now it will definitely all be back to normal around here before I get pregnant. I could just about cry with relief. Plus, we won't have to pay anyone (since the guy says he won't accept it) and Jim and his friend will get a chance to reconnect and spend time together! This is SO awesome! Check another worry off my list.

So, are these the signs I was looking for? Maybe, and maybe also just coincidence. But it's good enough for me.

To Whom It May Concern

Kitchen. Stop getting so gd filthy every day, defying my nightly scrubbing. You are sapping my will to live. (Floor beneath high chair, I am looking at YOU.)

Head. Stop aching constantly, for no conceivable reason, and in spite of all the water drinking I am doing to help you out even though I don't really enjoy chugging water. You are making me worried. And cranky.

Hair. Please PLEASE stop being so frizzy and dry and unmanageable. I only wash you every other day, I rarely use a hot iron to tame you, and I recently got about five pounds of you thinned out. I lavishly apply expensive condition and even let it SOAK instead of rinsing immediately. So just give in, okay? Lay down and relax for awhile.

Hands. Stop cracking and splitting around my fingertips, causing me no small amount of pain during totally routine activities such as opening car doors and zipping coats. Your delicate, fragile act is getting real old. You'd better toughen up, because all that dish scrubbing and hand washing? It's not going away any time soon. Deal, my friends.

Coffee. Also, Wine. Thank you, my friends. Many thanks. My gratitude to you is immeasurable, and my reluctance to give you up (see, ttc next month) is not insignificant.

Double The Fun

This is so, so, SO premature, but here's the thing: we are probably going to start Clomid in four weeks, which even at the low dose I will be on does increase the likelihood of twins, so... I keep finding myself staring off into space contemplating twin names. Wondering if they would be a boy and a girl or two of a kind. Wondering if my body would ever recover from that pregnancy. Wondering how reasonable/possible it would be to attempt to exclusively breastfeed two babies while caring for a four year old and a two year old, even if the four year old were in part time preschool. Wondering if it's possible to give birth to twins without a c-section, of which I am terrified (mainly due to a VERY bad experience with spinal anesthesia when I had knee surgery.) This concern is so great I've been dreaming about giving birth to twins naturally.

So, again, I REALIZE I am jumping the gun and overthinking and borrowing trouble and all that, but do you guys have any words of comfort related to the above subjects? Or, failing that, some really great name ideas for two boys, two girls, or one of each?

*Also, I want to say, I realize that I'm making it sound like twins is my worst fear, which obviously would come across pretty, um, crappily to those of you who already have them. Don't get me wrong, I think IN THEORY twins sound adorable and fun too. But ideally, the twins would come FIRST. Then any singletons you might have. When I try to contemplate adding twins to our existing family, my eyes start getting wide and panicked. When I imagine taking a preschooler, a toddler, and two newborns anywhere out of the house together, the idea overwhelms me completely. When I envision two high chairs, two exersaucers, two cribs, etc., I feel like our house would be overtaken completely by kid stuff and I should just give up trying to pretend grown ups live here too.
So yeah, I guess the idea has me a little freaked out. But I sincerely apologize to any of you with twins who are feeling a little miffed by the TONE of this post. I of course can also envision lots of lovely things about twins, but those things don't have me panicked. THESE things (see above) DO have me panicked, so those are the ones I am asking for help with.
Thanks in advance!

Snow Bunnies

These shots are from Wednesday afternoon, when it was still about ten degrees out and we were knee deep in snow. It was Eli's first go at playing in the snow, and boy did he have fun. Unfortunately it wasn't good packing snow, so there was a lot more throwing of snow into the air (and face) than there was snowmen or snowball fights.

Addy's favorite thing to do that day was get handfuls of snow and lick at them delicately until her face was an attractively red, chapped, slobbery mess, and Eli's was to crawl determinedly through the snow like a mushing sled dog, planting mouth first more often than once. Still, despite his painfully beet-red face and eyes streaming from the cold, he screamed in protest when I finally took him inside, worrying about hypothermia and cold burns. It really is a thankless job, trying to keep your kids relatively safe from themselves.