Sunday, January 18, 2009

January

Has it really been over a week since I wrote last? I feel a little disconnected lately. Floaty, like I am here but not really. I will be doing the dishes, but looking out the window instead of down to the task at hand. Looking out at the new snow, which falls fresh every night, it seems, and which is deceptively beautiful to gaze at, with no suggestion in its sparkling, crystalline blankets of the slushy puddles it will leave on the floor and the chapped ankles from where it will sneak in between your boots and your jeans.

I'm also doing things in excess lately, I notice. Drinking too much coffee, so that I feel a constant, jittery unease in the pit of my stomach. Eating too much chocolate (see previous post) and even dipping into Jim's beers, for which I rarely feel any desire. I've even been somewhat overzealous in exercise, mindlessly doing leg presses until the screen on the Nautilus machine warns me that I've completed the maximum number of reps and should either stop or lower the weight (which is embarrassingly low to begin with, so this is more an example of my compulsiveness than of my fitness.)

I seem to be wallowing in some sort of melancholy, or perhaps more succinctly, some sort of disinterest in the dailiness of life, the dishes and the laundry and the errands by which I generally mark my time. Instead, I keep rereading Anita Shreve books- Where or When, The Last Time They Met- which are perhaps unwise choices when one is feeling a little off, as they tend to be pensive and sad and on the theme of impossible love. Jim found an old Sarah McLachlan CD of mine when he was cleaning out his desk last week, and I've been listening to it almost daily, as some sort of soundtrack. Also, most alarmingly, I seem not to care much about dusting lately, which heretofore has been my favorite chore, though I suppose this could likely be attributed to an inevitable resignation to the constant presence of dust in our lives at this stage of remodeling.

It is somewhat depressing to realize how easily I am felled by such a common and cliched affliction as the winter blues.

Also, incidentally, flaky winter skin. Le sigh.

9 comments:

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Step away from the Sarah McLachlan. Seriously. Weepy chick music stuck on repeat is always the first sign that I'm hovering on the edge.

How about some bouncy, fun, happy music? Change the soundtrack, change the mood.

Or you could just tell me to shut it since I currently live in sunshine. (By this time next year, I will be punished. Don't worry.)

Swistle said...

We need something happy to happen.

Hillary said...

This is how I've felt all day, maybe all week. The Boy's first birthday last weekend seemed to mark the for-real end of the holiday season and nothing has seemed much fun since then. Maybe Clueless But Hopeful Mama is right: Christina Aguilera, perhaps?

desperate housewife said...

Swistle: You're exactly right. I think I'm in limbo waiting for Jess's baby to come- yes, he's still not here! It's not nearly as tedious as being the pregnant person, but I'm still fairly keyed up about it, since it will be the first baby I've actually seen born other than my own, which doesn't really count.
Note to Jess: But I WILL NOT be annoying labor person! I SWEAR! Will stand in corner silently and take photos and video, WHEN APPROPRIATE. You won't even know I'm there! Unless you want to know it!

d e v a n said...

Ooooh, that will be neat!!! I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope something really happy happens soon.

Bird said...

I like the idea to change the soundtrack.

But also, sometimes we go through these phases. Is it healthy? I don't know. I do know that it happens sometimes.

RachelAnn said...

Trust me, we're all feeling the blues this winter. I think it's the combo of the winter blues and the crappy economy. As to changing the soundtrack...try a local MN band called Gaslight Anthem, they're pretty sweet. The best song is called "59 Sound"

Mommy Daisy said...

I think your title summed up the problems. It's January, it's snowy, and the weather is blah. It's good that you're keeping up your committment to exercising though. Any motivation for me? I've thought about going to the Y, but I honestly don't know if I could drag myself there everyday and adjust my schedule to do it.

Jess's baby will surely be a joy for you. I know she's ready for this to be over, but she looked so cute with her big pregnant belly on Sunday.

Astarte said...

Yes, January. I'm not usually blah until the end of February, so I've got a little time yet. Isn't it funny that the one thing that will make us feel better - cleaning or whatnot - is usually the first thing we blah-out about?