Friday, December 12, 2008

This Is A Long One

I haven't talked much about when we're planning to try to conceive baby number three, have I? Ever since August's ill-fated pregnancy, and my unofficial diagnosis with luteal phase defect, we've kind of been taking it one month at a time, but with the general agreement that we would wait at least until after the holidays.

Also, I am pretty much convinced that I want to be on Clomid when we try again, since out of my last three pregnancies, the only one that went to term was conceived using Clomid. The other two were supplemented with progesterone to try to correct my low hormones, but the supplements alone apparently weren't enough. The new doctor suggested giving it one more go with just supplements, but starting them as soon as I ovulate rather than waiting until I get pregnant. And logically, that seems like a reasonable option. But emotionally, I just cannot chance that it won't work and that I'll lose another baby. So apparently we'll be chancing twins instead! Whee!

I went for an ultrasound a couple days ago to make sure everything was good to go in the ole' reproductive organ department, and then Tuesday I have a pre-Clomid consult with the fertility specialist at my OB's office. Anyways, at the ultrasound, the tech apparently knew that I was there to prepare for a round of Clomid, but didn't know what the Clomid was being prescribed FOR. As soon as she got a view of my ovaries, she got all giddy and exclaimed, "Look at this! You've got a great big follicle on your right ovary! You're going to ovulate this month- you should try to get pregnant on your own!"

For some reason, this made me irrationally angry. "I KNOW I can ovulate," I said a little snappishly. "That's not my problem. If I get pregnant this month on my own, I'll just lose it." What I wanted to say was, "Stick to your job. Measure my uterus, measure my ovaries, take note of my follicle, whatever. But don't give me fertility advise when you have no idea what I'm here for." I think it just made me feel inadequate all over again. I mean, there was a lovely, giant follicle, ripe for ovulation, and I have no choice but to let it go to waste.

Well, sorry about that detour into Unresolved Hostility! The point is, we're getting ready to try again soon, albeit with pharmaceutical assistance. Slowly but surely, I've been feeling the Baby Urge again. I want to the hospital to visit a friend and her day old baby girl last Sunday, and whew, it was so fresh and exciting, yet so familiar and instinctive, to hold a tiny baby again. I forgot how they fit perfectly into the crook of your arm, their heads in your hand and their feet tucked in your elbow. I forgot how you can rock them on your lap and just STARE at them forever and not get bored once. I forgot- but so quickly remembered!- how inexplicably sweet they smell. Especially before their first bath... Oh. It is the smell of newness and innocence and magic. As I watched my friend snuggle her new daughter, wearing that very particular, exhausted but satisfied new mother smile, I felt just like Tina Fey in 30 Rock last week: "I want to go to there!"

It's just the getting there that has me hesitant, still. I know adding another kid would just be more chaos and mess and noise and sleeplessness, but really, once you have two, how much worse could it get? So I'm pretty much over fearing the realities of another child. I just fear the realities and risks of pregnancy. I so badly do not want to experience another loss. And I so badly do NOT want to be nauseaous and tired and weepy for three months, and then bedridden and bloated and dilated and crampy for another two months at the end. Pregnancy is miraculous, sure, but, just like a newborn, it is a miracle that is filled with messiness and complication and major inconvenience.

I wish I liked being pregnant more. It's kind of a sore point with me, because I always thought I would love every second of it. I wish I could walk around the whole time feeling like a glowing Madonna, rubbing my fertile orb of a belly. Instead, I mostly feel kind of like a joke. Like a whale. Or like my regular self, stuffed into a fat suit that I cannot escape. The fat suit prospect is especially scary given that I am finally getting into shape for the first time in my life.

But. I think we will probably try again soon. Or soon-ish. So, um, if you're pregnant, or just LIKE being pregnant, pretty please will you leave me some reminders of why it's special! and magical!?


Lori said...

I'm 5 months pregnant with my 3rd and am feeling those little kicks and punches that I love. Just had my ultrasound and saw the tiny little fingers. Today my 3yr old rubbed my belly and leaned in to shout "Hello baby!"

Mimi said...

I don't especially enjoy being pregnant either. But last month when I had my first ultrasound... even the third time it is still magical to see that there is actually a BABY in there. It makes you forget how yucky you feel for a while.
I wish you all the luck in the world. =)

Lisa said...

I recently lost 60 lbs...and found out I'm pregnant with my third, so all that weight is just going to go right back on my derriere. I'm excited about another baby...being pregnant, not so much. But hearing the heartbeat, nice :-) Seeing little acrobat doing flips on the ultrasound, nice :-)
Good luck and sticky baby vibes for you :-)

Jana said...

Since we've got three, we're done having kids (which makes me a bit weepy). But I'll always remember the first little kicks, rubbing my belly and talking to the baby and seeing a little hand or foot pushing out in the last month or so. Too cool. Made the carpal tunnel and peeing every 2 minutes totally worth it.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

I'm 19 weeks and just starting to feel those fluttery fish-swishing-in-a-fishbowl feelings in my belly.

After three months of misery in my first trimester, it is a revelation and a joy. A little life! Inside me! We made a PERSON (or a fish).

Chelle said...

Ok, so I haven't been pregnant in over ten years (God, I'm OLD) but I was talking to a friend yesterday who-after suffering several miscarriages-is pregnant enough that her doctor thinks it will "stick" (greeaat bedside manner there, Doc!).

We were talking about what she could expect when the baby really starts moving and I could recall-in VIVID detail-exactly how it felt when my daughter's foot pressed on a specific spot on my right side. She liked that position especially well and her foot was there often, we could actually see and trace the outline of it on my belly.

Would I do it again at my age? Hell no. Could I ever forget how AWESOME the experience was? Not even with a head injury (I hope).

Musings of a Mom said...

I'm one of those for whom pregnancy is relatively easy - it's the kid part that is tricky for me. I just think that anything good is a FIGHT. Whether it's the pregnancy, or the baby fussiness, or the expense of their day care or education, or ... the list could go on. It's a battle. I think it helps to acknowledge the battle and realize you might have to war for what you want.

Not that there aren't times to concede, or to realize that what you're battling for isn't really right or worth it, but IF you realize that the battle is worth it, and IF you're fighting for what's right, then it helps to realize you have to FIGHT.

Musings of a Mom said...

My comment sounded a little dire, so I want to follow it up with - we're not fighting alone. "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

I'm trying to remember the same things.

I like the kicks more than anything. But I also love that feeling that your little one is completely safe and held within you. That despite the discomfort, they're learning you and your voice and your cadence... and when they come out? THey KNOW. That's the miracle to me. :)

Best wishes and prayers to you!

jess said...

Being that I'm pregnant and you know that the last pregnancy was miserable for me - remember that every pregnancy is different. This pregnancy has been a BREEZE and for the most part I have felt glowing and wonderful (up until a few days ago when I started getting a little uncomfortable). This pregnancy could be completely different than the others.

Swistle said...


I don't like pregnancy either. Things I DO like about it:

1) The daze, right after finding out, but before there's queasiness.

2) Thinking, "It could be a BOY!! It could be a GIRL!!"

3) Figuring out the due date. Starting to think things like, "At this time next year, we'll have a four-month-old!" and what ages we'll all be when the baby is born.

4) Making lists of names. Thinking, "We could choose ANYTHING!"

5) When I'm having trouble sleeping, thinking about the baby and thinking about what he/she will be like, look like, be named, etc.

6) The food in the maternity ward.

d e v a n said...

There are some good things about being pregnant. :) There are some super cute maternity clothes. It's a good reason to wear nothing but elastic waists for several months.
Baby showers. Teeeeny newborn clothes.
Names. Kicks. Anticipation. Labor (not the painful part, but the baby being born part.) and newborn cuddles.

Mommy Daisy said...

I am not currently pregnant, but we are trying to get pregnant (not general knowledge to close friends and family, thanks). My problem is I have a hard time getting pregnant. I suppose it would help if I saw a doctor about the issues, but honestly I've always taken the more ladi back/God is in control approach to all that.

I am excited for you and your possibilities though. Yay!

I did enjoy being pregnant. I was so sick for the first few months, but I wouldn't trade that for anything. I just loved being pregnant. The first flutters, then the kicks and nudges, then the joy of giving birth, it's all so miraculous.

April said...

We've been trying to get pregnant for a while now, unsuccessfully. My first daughter was a birth control baby, so it's frustrating that, 5 years later, I'm having trouble getting pregnant. I was on bedrest for the last month with my daughter, due to hypertension/pre-eclampsia, but I would due bed rest again just to be pregnant. I miss the baby kicks and growing belly, not so much the nausea. I'm trying an herbal supplement, FertilAid, that I found/researched on the internet. I figured I'll try that for a few months and then call my doctor for further help. Good Luck!

bat7mess said...

Best of luck becoming and staying pregnant. Having suffered through a loss myself, I understand your fear. I also lost 40 something pounds (30 from previous pregnancy and about 13 that I never wanted there in the first place) before becoming pregnant this time. It hurts to know I'll have to start all over soon, but at least I know I CAN and I know how to do it the right way (insert plug for weight watchers and daily hour-long treadmill sessions). But here I am 6 months pregnant and mostly loving it. I love feeling bonded with this beautiful child that I will meet in 3 months- feeling those kicks and rolls all the time.

bananafana said...

Well pregnancy isn't especially easy for me - it has been full of worry and scare at the end both times - but what I still remember more than anything is sitting in the bathtub and watching my stomach move around and sitting up in the middle of the night with a hand on my stomach feeling kicks and just dreaming of what this baby would be like.
Of course, we're still planning on no more. But the second I started reading where you were talking about how they fit in your arms, the smell, the FEET I got all teary. I immediately thought about not being there again and something in me just thinks maybe it's too soon to be done since it was all so unbelievably worth it just to hold that baby at the end.