Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Proof That Boys Are Indeed Harder

Ways to exhaust yourself completely, trigger lots of contractions, and occasionally induce heartburn, yet accomplish absolutely nothing save to drive yourself crazy:
-Sweep and mop your front hall, kitchen, and laundry room
-Scrub your bathroom within an inch of its life
-Vacuum under every single sofa cushion in the house, as well as the cushions themselves
-Dust entire house, including baseboards
-Rearrange all the picture frames and knick knacks in the living room (several times)
-Walk around the mall
-Walk around the farmer's market
-Walk around K Mart
-Eat seafood and Chinese food
-Take evening primrose oil capsules
-Carry your toddler around everywhere
-Pack your hospital bag
-And of course, that most foolproof of tactics to bring along baby, Have Sex Around The Beach Ball That Is Your Belly

Grrr. This baby is more than stubborn than his sister right from the womb. I'm incredibly happy he's made it this far, but now I am ready to kick him out, I'm afraid. I mean, I'm very excited to meet him, too, and get to see his little face and introduce him to his family, but also, especially at two in the morning when I'm tossing and turning and peeing every half hour, I want him to GET OUT GET OUT!
Every single time I answer the phone or make a call, I must answer the ever popular "Are you in labor?" question. It has replaced "Hi" and "What's up?" as the standard greeting everywhere, apparently. I'm really wishing I had not broadcast to everyone my and my doctor's expectation that I would again go into labor within days of being off bedrest. So much for that. Every morning I wake up still pregnant is a mockery. Plus, I'm getting a little worried- sure I did natural childbirth last time, but I had a short labor and a five pound baby. Can I really hack it this time around if this baby just keeps growing and growing in there? I'm gonna have an eight pounder by the time this kid decides to grace us with his presence!
I have decided the Good Lord must have made the last month of pregnancy so torturous just to ensure that women would actually be HAPPY about going into labor. When else are you thinking, "Oh, this is getting painful- yes! At last! Here comes the awful part!"
Anyone else have any totally useless "go into labor" suggestions that I may try just for the sport of it?


Sara said...

Ah yes, that last pregnancy month, especially when it's August sure does stink!

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I believe that is EXACTLY why the last month of pregnancy is so tortuous. How else could you actually be glad about passing a watermelon through an opening the size of a lemon?

It's almost over...

Swistle said...

Whenever you go a couple days without posting, I do what people do when they call you: "ARE YOU HAVING THE BABY??" Every time I see a new post from you, I do what people do when you call them: "IS IT THE BABY??"

A woman I know went into labor after eating an enormous steak. So with her next pregnancy, when she got restless waiting for the baby, she ate an enormous steak--and went into labor that night.

desperate housewife said...

Steak, huh? Worth a shot.

Kelli in the Mirror said...

I would vote steak before vodka and castor oil, which is what I had planned to mention.

I did natural childbirth with an 8 1/2 pounder- totally by accident because I didn't get there in time for the epidural, but you can do it! If you want. If not, go for drugs. It's all good.

I'm so glad you're feeling well enough to post!

Kelli in the Mirror said...

Oh, and I have to say, if my husband read the title of this post, he would cackle, "heh heh, you said harder", a la Beavis and Butthead. :)

jess said...

Others I've heard:

nipple stimulation
stripping the membranes
herbal teas
castor oil
eggplant parmesan

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I think the methods I've heard have already been said. Anyway, I'll send labor vibes your way, which is probably useless since I was induced both times and never went into labor on my own.

Shannon said...

Failproof: come and clean my house. Not only will you be getting physical exercise but you will be so far away from your doctor and hospital that you are 100% guaranteed to go into labor.

Mommy Daisy said...

I didn't go into labor on my own, so I'm no help. When I was 39 weeks pregnant, we did an ultrasound the predicted the baby was 8 1/2 lbs. Then the doctor looked and me and said he thinks it's closer to 9 lbs. And he said precious words, let's get this baby out. Uh huh. I thought I'd want to wait and go into labor on my own. I was prepared to go two weeks over my due date. All until I heard 9 lbs. 9 lbs! And he proved everyone wrong, and was 9 lbs 11 ozs the day after that ultrasound and an induction.

Here are some things I've heard could speed up labor. Black licorice (I hate it, but it was on my list if needed. And then my grandma said she craved it and ate half a bag before she delivered my mom. She didn't know it was supposed to speed up labor.) Sitting on a lawn mower or washer/dryer (guess it'll shake him out). Nipple stimulation.

It's worth trying at this point. We'll see what happens. Keep us posted.

T with Honey said...

I think it was dark chocolate truffles that did it for me.

Devan said...

Oh yes, that's a good explanation for why those last 4 weeks are torture. When else would you be looking forward to, nay - BEGGING for - the pain to come?!
I have no suggestions. Everything I tried (and I tried it all) did nothing.

Devan said...

I'd be willing to try chocolate truffles the next time though.

Marie Green said...

Actually, better than sex or any of the other ideas mentioned, is nipple stimulation. Here's why:

When a baby nurses, your body releases a natural hormone to help your uterus contract back down to its normal size. That's why those first weeks you feel such strong contractions while nursing. So the same thing happens when you are pregnant- stimulate your nipples and your body will release a hormone to contract your uterus.

So, dorky and akward as it sounds, I would sit around (do you have a birth ball? another great trick- sit on a birth/yoga/exercise ball to put pressure on your cervix) and rub your nipples.

Come on, if you're desperate enough you'll give it a try! Stimulate away!

Good luck!