Deep Breaths

I don't even know where to begin. I wasn't planning on writing this post until weeks in the future. I was going to write something light and funny today, possibly about the surprise food poisoning we all got this weekend from our favorite Mexican restaurant! Instead, I'm so stressed out right now that my heart has been pounding in my throat all day long. Actually, it's been doing that for a week, on and off. I'll be fine fine FINE until I am not, and then I snap and yell about tiny little things, so much so that I'm trying to avoid my kids as much as possible except to hug them. Also, today I made the colossal mistake of reading the latest posts in the Faces of Loss blog that I subscribe to, and I finally cried, partly out of guilt because, oh, what is another miscarriage compared to losing twin babies at birth, right? But also partly out of grief, because while a miscarriage is not the same as stillbirth, no, it is also not the same as having a sweet (albeit unplanned) baby, or as never having accidentally gotten pregnant at all, and so it sucks and it hurts and it makes me angry.

Which is to say, I am pregnant. Surprise. Not planned, not at all, so much so that I was embarrassed to even tell anyone. Then, when we got the first blood draw results, when I would technically have been almost a week late already, my hcg was only thirty. Which... is terrible. It did double in forty eight hours, to eighty-eight, but that's still terrible for this point in pregnancy (technically I'd be considered six weeks on Wednesday, though I think I ovulated late, so more like six weeks on Saturday.) My progesterone is also very low, thirteen point five. Basically, all signs point to miscarriage (seventy-five percent chance, technically) or ectopic pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different, and I also know that it's possible I ovulated a lot later than I thought or something, so that could explain the very low hcg levels, if I was just a week behind where I thought I was. But I also know what my hcg s were in all six of my past pregnancies and they have NEVER been this bad, not even with the early miscarriages. So.

I'm waiting, on pins and needles, for a call from my doctor to discuss the results of my third hcg draw on Saturday, and the possibility of an ectopic diagnosis. She has fifteen more minutes and then I'm calling to bug them again, because dear Lord, if I have to wait until tomorrow morning my head is going to burst from stress. It also sucks that I am leaving for the three-day doula workshop Friday morning. The last thing I want is to be in the middle of a miscarriage, or still in limbo or whatever. My client is also STILL pregnant, so I feel worried leaving her, especially now: she just had to have emergency surgery for a pregnancy complication, AND found out her mom is really sick. I feel so badly for her, and hate to leave her for any amount of time.

Oh, and then there's the food poisoning. Basically, I'm just a basket case right now and could use any comforting words anyone can scrape up. I just can't believe this HAPPENED at all. We've never had an accidental pregnancy, which I was proud of, so I guess this is my punishment for being cocky about using the rhythm method so successfully, huh? Sigh. I just can't believe I'm probably facing another lost pregnancy. I so wish I could figure out why my body doesn't want to hold onto my babies. My heart does. I don't know why I can't get in synch.

Quick Edit: I just got off the phone with my doctor and my hcg was at three hundred thirty one on Saturday! So that seems... good, right? She said it was a very healthy increase and to just come in on Wednesday for an appointment. Apparently if it were ectopic they'd be expecting to see it slow down by now, rising but not quite doubling, and this is twice now that it's almost tripled, so...? Maybe everything's ok. Still iffy, what with the low progesterone and generally low betas, but not definitively bad, yet. Still a surprise with a capital S, but better than a miscarriage. We'll see.