Monday, November 07, 2011

Deep Breaths

I don't even know where to begin. I wasn't planning on writing this post until weeks in the future. I was going to write something light and funny today, possibly about the surprise food poisoning we all got this weekend from our favorite Mexican restaurant! Instead, I'm so stressed out right now that my heart has been pounding in my throat all day long. Actually, it's been doing that for a week, on and off. I'll be fine fine FINE until I am not, and then I snap and yell about tiny little things, so much so that I'm trying to avoid my kids as much as possible except to hug them. Also, today I made the colossal mistake of reading the latest posts in the Faces of Loss blog that I subscribe to, and I finally cried, partly out of guilt because, oh, what is another miscarriage compared to losing twin babies at birth, right? But also partly out of grief, because while a miscarriage is not the same as stillbirth, no, it is also not the same as having a sweet (albeit unplanned) baby, or as never having accidentally gotten pregnant at all, and so it sucks and it hurts and it makes me angry.

Which is to say, I am pregnant. Surprise. Not planned, not at all, so much so that I was embarrassed to even tell anyone. Then, when we got the first blood draw results, when I would technically have been almost a week late already, my hcg was only thirty. Which... is terrible. It did double in forty eight hours, to eighty-eight, but that's still terrible for this point in pregnancy (technically I'd be considered six weeks on Wednesday, though I think I ovulated late, so more like six weeks on Saturday.) My progesterone is also very low, thirteen point five. Basically, all signs point to miscarriage (seventy-five percent chance, technically) or ectopic pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different, and I also know that it's possible I ovulated a lot later than I thought or something, so that could explain the very low hcg levels, if I was just a week behind where I thought I was. But I also know what my hcg s were in all six of my past pregnancies and they have NEVER been this bad, not even with the early miscarriages. So.

I'm waiting, on pins and needles, for a call from my doctor to discuss the results of my third hcg draw on Saturday, and the possibility of an ectopic diagnosis. She has fifteen more minutes and then I'm calling to bug them again, because dear Lord, if I have to wait until tomorrow morning my head is going to burst from stress. It also sucks that I am leaving for the three-day doula workshop Friday morning. The last thing I want is to be in the middle of a miscarriage, or still in limbo or whatever. My client is also STILL pregnant, so I feel worried leaving her, especially now: she just had to have emergency surgery for a pregnancy complication, AND found out her mom is really sick. I feel so badly for her, and hate to leave her for any amount of time.

Oh, and then there's the food poisoning. Basically, I'm just a basket case right now and could use any comforting words anyone can scrape up. I just can't believe this HAPPENED at all. We've never had an accidental pregnancy, which I was proud of, so I guess this is my punishment for being cocky about using the rhythm method so successfully, huh? Sigh. I just can't believe I'm probably facing another lost pregnancy. I so wish I could figure out why my body doesn't want to hold onto my babies. My heart does. I don't know why I can't get in synch.

Quick Edit: I just got off the phone with my doctor and my hcg was at three hundred thirty one on Saturday! So that seems... good, right? She said it was a very healthy increase and to just come in on Wednesday for an appointment. Apparently if it were ectopic they'd be expecting to see it slow down by now, rising but not quite doubling, and this is twice now that it's almost tripled, so...? Maybe everything's ok. Still iffy, what with the low progesterone and generally low betas, but not definitively bad, yet. Still a surprise with a capital S, but better than a miscarriage. We'll see.

24 comments:

MotherRunner said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I hope being surrounded by all of those loving women at the doula workshop will give you some measure of comfort. Hoping for the absolute best for you.

Hillary said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry this is all coming at you at once. Sending good thoughts in your direction.

Nik-Nak said...

Well this is just shitty.
I am so excited yet terrified for you all at once. You, my dear, are the world's strongest woman if I have ever met her and I admire you and feel for you and grieve with you if this turns out to be what you think it might.

" I so wish I could figure out why my body doesn't want to hold onto my babies. My heart does. I don't know why I can't get in synch." This is heart breaking and beautiful all at once. And you better keep up properly updated!

Jana said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through. Both of you will be in my prayers.

Mrs. Irritation said...

Well, the edited to add news is good, so let me say -

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I know it was a surprise and I know you have a long way to go, but I will be thinking of you and sending every positive vibe I have your way.

Big hugs!!

katiedid said...

My third pregnancy came as a total surprise - as in our second baby was only 3 months old when we found out. My hcg levels were very low and my progesterone was low. I, like you, went for multiple blood draws. They ended up giving me progesterone supplements (I think so I would stop calling them every five seconds like a crazy person for lab results). Maybe that helped, maybe not. But our third little guy is healthy and growing at 23 weeks pregnant. Sometimes it's easy to psych yourself out (especially after going through a miscarriage or more). best of luck this time around. It looks like you have a really great family.

Mimi said...

Oh my goodness. I'm thinking all sorts of good thoughts for you right now, and a positive outcome.

Scottish Twins said...

I'm here for you. Let me know what you need.

Tess said...

Holy shit! Welcome to my "helpful" comment.

It is going to be okay. Thinking of you guys xoxo

Jess said...

Oh! Oh! Oh, I was SO not expecting this. And given the update on the post, I will say CONGRATULATIONS! And also that I am thinking of you and keeping everything crossed that this one sticks, and all the worst case scenarios do not come to pass.

Saly said...

Yes, I am also going to say congratulations. And hang in there. If anyone can get through whatever lies ahead, it will be you.

Swistle said...

Oh, what a wonderful surprise, and I will hope that this is a late ovulation and therefore good happy news. And in the meantime you have my full sympathy, because this is so stressful and I'm sorry you're going through all these stressy things at once.

Being surrounded by doulas might be one of the best and most appropriate things that could have happened. All those people who so strongly care about what's happening to your body right now---whatever it is. Well, or maybe it will totally suck, I don't know. But it might be wonderful!

Chelle said...

Remember those sunflowers that I didn't plant this year? This is your sunflower. Congratulations!

Fran said...

Oh how fervently I wish the very best for you! Please let us know how you are doing and remember we are behind you always!!

Joanna said...

Thinking of you/praying for everything to turn out beautifully and set your mind at ease.

d e v a n said...

Oh, the edit made me smile and be hopeful for you!! Huge hugs!

Nowheymama said...

Oh! My stomach is clenching for you! I remember SO CLEARLY (perhaps because it happened to me, um, TWICE) being so excited and so terrified by a surprise pregnancy. And that was without all of the extra 'excitement' your body likes to add to the mix.

Thinking of you!!!

Jennifer Doyle said...

Well I'm glad you have a (hopefully) good news update. Congratulations, though, what a wonderful surprise.

Lots of prayers for you, I'm sorry this is so stressful.

Mommy Daisy said...

Congrats! I am praying that everything works out!!

Marie Green said...

Oh, man, what unexpected news! I am so hopeful for you, and I actually think the doula workshop might be good... a weekend full of good birth vibes perhaps.

Will be thinking of you often and hoping hoping hoping it all turns out for the best!

Laura Diniwilk said...

Congratulations! I will be thinking about you, hoping for the best.

Tracy said...

Well, I'm glad I didn't read this until your update. Otherwise, I might be crying (you know, post birth hormones...)

I think that number is fantastic. With all of my early miscarriages, I started off with really crappy numbers. Like 15. Then it would double to 30. Then 60. Then drop dramatically down to like 10. My progesterone was always crappy. But my RE said that anything above 12 was ok. ;)

Anyway, Congratulations! and enjoy your workshop!

Michelle said...

I got chills when I read you are pregnant. Chills. Sending good vibes your way and anxiously awaiting updates.

Greenstylemom said...

So I'm really late on the commenting, but I just found you recently from Marie Green. Was reading back after you mentioned several m/c because I've had a bunch also. Thinking about trying again, so your success is inspiring.