Saturday, July 08, 2006

A Semi-Life?

I'm a little depressed lately... I don't know why, either, which always makes it worse, right? For instance, when our kitchen was all torn up for repairs, I was in a bad mood because the kitchen was all torn up and I wanted things back to normal. And then when they were, I was happy again. But right now I'm just grumpy, in a PMS-y sort of way, but I don't have PMS right now (unless one can argue that PMS could in fact extend to the entire three weeks which are, technically, premenstrual.)
So, I guess I'm just, witchy right now. I feel like all I want to do is sleep, even though I have been getting plenty of sleep. I feel no motivation or excitement to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to pull the covers over my head and pretend it's still nighttime.
Okay, I just reread that, and I think I know what it is, why I don't get that motivated in the mornings : it's that- surprise, surprise- I spend a great deal of my day alone! And oneself is not always the most stimulating of company! I just wish that there was an actual reason for me to shower before three in the afternoon, or somebody sitting down eating meals with me to shame me out of eating cookies for breakfast. I wish somebody was my boss, actually. Sadly, I thrive under supervision. I want someone checking up on my work and praising me for a job well done and giving me to do lists and noticing my cute work clothes and styled hair. (It has been an entire month since I have blown my hair dry, much less curled it.)
When there is only me, a big horsey dog, and my daughter, who would be perfectly happy to roll around on the floor all day and who communicates by shrieking, it's hard to keep myself from feeling as though I am the sole warden of a small zoo.
And here I am alone again. It is Saturday morning, and my husband is golfing, and here I am still tending the zoo. I do not begrudge him golfing, I really don't. He should have fun and time with his friends, that is right and good. It's just... it's just this feeling I have, as though I'm always being left behind, baby on my hip, waving from the door while he pulls out of the driveway.
I see the unfairness in the mental picture I have just drawn, though. I know that my husband has cheerfully stayed with the baby many times while I went out with my friends. So I would like to point out that this moodiness isn't entirely about him. I guess it's about the friends too, and how I just feel out of touch with some of them- the non-mom ones. I listen to their stories and as much as I do not miss being single, I sort of miss how every other day there was some new crisis and some new piece of information to get either outraged or thrilled or devestated about. Life was... happening, there were things happening all the time. There were things to think about other than, "When was the last time I cleaned out the fridge?"
I was talking to one of my friends the other day about how furious she was at her ex over something she had just found out, and I asked her, "Does it feel like your heart is going to pound out of your chest, it's beating so hard?" And she said, "Yes, exactly like that." It was kind of surreal, remembering what it physically felt like to experience such an intense emotion, even a negative one. And I realized that I just haven't felt much of anything for a while beyond baby-love feelings. So maybe that's why I'm out of touch with my friends- they sense that I can't really relate anymore to the every day highs and lows of their emotions. I'm just here, at the sink, or loading the dryer, or pushing my grocery cart full of baby food and toilet paper.
But I'll get over it. It's just immaturity, probably, to always need something new going on. What I feel to be boredom I should try to cultivate into contentment. It could be much, much worse, my life, and for those moments when everything is just steady, I should be grateful that everyone is safe and well and fine.
To think, I was just preaching to my husband and sister-in-law the other day about how the best way to parent is to just be all Zen-like and find inner peace and radiate it around your house and then your kids will pick up on it and, I don't know, start mediating whenever they feel a tantrum coming on or something. Gosh, was I on crack? What was I talking about? I can't even find inner peace when there's nothing wrong, much less when I'm around a bunch of fighting kids!
So anyways... forgive my ramblings. I am fine. And to those certain people who were subjected to my insane diatribe on theoretical parenting techniques, ignore me! I am clearly no expert on modeling inner peace!


Doing my best (or am I?) said...

I'd like to point out that this was the one and only time I went golfing this summer. I go 0-1 times a year.

desperate housewife said...

As I pointed out, the bad mood had little to do with behavior of husband and quite a lot more to do with frame of mind of myself.

desperate housewife said...
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